Hentai Man is back in action as he takes on his biggest case yet! But will his sanity hold out?
Get out your objection gifs we are going to need them.
Phoenix White: Right and Blue, The Justifications of Justice! by CloudMistDragon
Way to go! The wrote all of this and you don’t even know the name of the game. It’s Phoenix Wright not White.
Phoenix White trembled in fear fearfully
as he standed in both the defendant's stand and sat on the defense attorney's bench
How does one standed and sit at the same time?
(what else would you do on a bench) at the same time.
Thank you fanfic for once again breaking the 4th wall. The next time I am standed on a park bench, I will think back to this story and realise that I should infact sit.
He had to defend himself once again, for once again, for his mentor Mia Fey had been murdered once more, and once more, he had been suspected thanks to Mr. White once again.
How did it all happened...?
Phoenix Wright was looking at his e-mails on the computer when the mailman slided a letter through the throrough mailbox slot in an electronic manner (robotic mailmen are possible in the future).
I needed a good laugh. Also, you finally got the character's name right. Good job! A for improvement.
He picked it up and redd it.
Get it? It’s funny because it’s a website.
"I'M IN YOUR HOUSE," the letter read evilly, "YOU JUST HAVE TO LET ME IN."
How do you let something in if it’s already in? And how does a letter read evilly? How does a letter read?!?!
At that momentous, the door opened and it was...APRIL MAY!
If you are trying to build suspense, three periods will not suffice. (Insert hockey joke here)
"What are you doing here, April?" Phoenix gasped with air. "I thought you were in the big house in jail for hacking a website through Maya's phone!"
I’m just going to assume that you need to have played the games to understand that. Moving on.
"On the day of my release, I breaked out just for you big brother!"
If you were released why breaked out? Hent no understanded!
April May pounced and sunk her cat claws into Phoenix's chest like a brother.
"What do you mean if you meant that?" Phoenix debated. "I thought you hated me, we're not family!"
Hay. You know what we need right now? Drama.
"Oh yes we are," April made, "we used to be Mr. White, the president of BlueCorp's pets.
Is your characters name White or Wright! Also, exposition is exposition.
We were a cat and a bird, and you were my big brother, best friend forever! LIKE A CATS AND A MOUSE WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER TILL YOU DIED.
That's enough to make me forget the hate. But through the power of future science, we became human!"
"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOO!" Phoenix writed like paper. "Why didn't I remembered recalling this?"
"Because you have a bird brain, silly." April flirted like a straw. "The reason I remember this is because...I just...REMEMBER YOU KNOW!
I fucking hate you, you stupid internet persona!
But that's not important, since Mr. White is dedd like the color read now,
The color of read you say? Lets see… paper is white...but the text on the paper is black...I’m going to go with black. Final answer.
there is no one to run BlueCorp! White didn't have any children or friends or co-workers or strangers,
How does one have strangers?
so he left everything to his pets. You must take over BlueCorp Phoenix! It is your destiny!"
The man has a law degree, a law firm, and a video game franchise. Why would he ever want to become the CEO of a pet store?
Phoenix agreed, for he couldn't argue destiny,
“Fuck Destiny! You don’t have to do shit! No more prophecys or god like figures! Do what you want to do!” Said the American.
the same way he was destined to defend his clients, so he left a suspicious message to Maya asking her to buy miak so she wouldn't get suspicious.
Left a suspicious message to a girl about a suspicious substance that is probably a typo, so that she won't get suspicious. Sounds like a plan. Not a good one but...a plan.
He renamed BlueCorp WhiteCorp, because his true last name was now White, and he didn't use blueish blackmail to ruler over the authorities, he used whitemail.
That meant he bribed them with money, cars, and doggie treats. He didn't have to be a lawyer anymore, because he was rich now and the law was changed to "innocent until proven guilty",
- That was already the law.
- The fuck is going on?
- Why do you need to threaten people if you own a pet store?
- The fuck is going on?
- What is the point of a Phoenix Wright story if there is no court case?
- The grade of this paper.
which meant that everyone was now innocent.
……..until proven guilty.
Authorities didn't have to arrested people anymore because they were already innocent before trial started, so they couldn't be proven guilty.
Everything was going great, until MAYA RETURNED HOME FROM THE STORE.
How long has she been at the store? There is no way the justice system made new laws in the time span of at least three years.
Phoenix thanked her, and then sent her out to buy milk from Japan, a long walk away from California. Because Maya was too preoccupied thinking about burgers, she agreed.
Miawhile, Phoenix was planning to use the miak (SEE IT WASN'T A TYPO, HA HA FAT CHANCE)
Just because it isn’t a typo doesn’t mean it’s still not wrong.
for something evil...He was going to use it to bring Mia Fey back to life with science!
Hell at this point I’m just glad he didn’t make a Phoenix Down joke.
But when Mia came back to life, she tripped over desk and fell out the window and onto a fire hydrant, and was run over by an ambulance, and PHOENIX WAS RESPONSIBLE.
Good for him that no one is ever guilty anymore. Remember that plot point from a little while back? Yeah, fuck all of that.
He tried to say that he was innocent until proven guilty, but the fact that someone was died proved that he was guilty like a fishy bird.
I...I just don’t know anymore.
So that is what happens...NOW RESUMING COURT.
Oh goody. The flashback is over. It only took over half the story and could have been summed up in-
“Hi. My name is Phoenix. I was accused of killing a bitch.”
Because of the amount of evil evilled in Phoenix's evil crime of neglected stupidity, three prosecutors were resigned to the assignment of the case, Winston Payne, Miles Edgeworth, and Franziska von Karma, all sitting on the prosecutor's bench.
Why? Because he is Evil and corrupt and destructive and hateful and heinous and hideous and malevolent and malicious and nefarious and vile and wrathful and repugnant and flagitious and angry and foul and low and villainous and not good and iniquitous!
"COURT IS NOW IN THE RECESSION WHICH IS LIKE RECESS BUT RECESS IS OVER, SO COURT IS IN SESSION!" the judge proclaimed.
Holly shit! The dialogue is so realistic! It’s like I’m watching an actual court case!
"THE PROSECUTION IS READY AND REQUESTS NOT TO BE BADGERED BY PHOENIX BECAUSE HE IS GUILTY AND THE PROSECUTION IS NOT AND THE GUILTY DON'T HAVE A WRITE TO OBJECT ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE ABLE TO BE GUILTY ENOUGH TO BE GUILTY EVEN UNDER THE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY LAW!" the prosecution apertured.
What is it Mr. Man?
"HOLD THE OBJECTION! IT HOLDS!" Phoenix held the power in his finger. "Judge,
this explanation doesn't obey the laws of physics and it's kinda illogical!"
You are not allowed to use that word...ever.
"The court does not concern itself with gravity Phoenix unless it holds water!" the Judge said lofty. "The prosecution's logic is odd, but it's scientific, and scientific is always logic, so it's sort of correct!
So you do realise that gravity is scientific and it also does hold water, all water on the earth might I add.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE ANY MORE OBJECTIONS UNTIL THE END OF-OWWWW!"
An objection is a formal protest raised in court during a trial to disallow a witness's testimony or other evidence which would be in violation of the rules of evidence.
As there is no witness and they are not referring to a piece of evidence, you can’t object anyways.
"DO NOT SPEAK THE TRUTH PRUDENT PRUDE OF WISE DECISIONS!" Franziska said as she whipped the judge. "IT IS REDUNDANT, FOR THE TRUTH IS ALREADY IN THE OPEN AIR, AND IT'S FLOATING OVER PHOENIX'S FACE!"
"Hey, there's air in your face too you air-headed candy belt!" Phoenix thought.
If he didn’t say it, there is no need for quotation marks.
"You are doing a good job Phoenix...but you are also doing a bad job!" Edgeworth initialized like his ME (not the malevolent entity kind, hisself).
I’m just going to assume that made sense in your mind when you wrote it.
Edgeworth felt sorry for Phoenix, because he was his friend, but he was also his enemy, so he had to be mean and nice to Phoenix simultaneously to make everything good work!
"Anyways, the prosecution has three witnesses it would like to call to the stand." Winston bolded with his bald hair and bold statement. "Rich Wellington, Moe the Clone, and Matt Engarde."
"WAIT A MINNIE MOUSE (You're getting warmer...HEE HEE HEE)!" the judge shouted. "All those convicts you listed...are convicted criminals! And they're in jail!"
Someone please just put me out of my misery. Where to fucking start?
- From what I have played of the games, Edgeworth is not Phoenix’s friend.
- There is no deus ex machina big enough to have a good ending here.
- A witness is deffined as - someone who has, who claims to have, or is thought, by someone with authority to compel testimony, to have knowledge relevant to an event or other matter of interest.
Therefore, you can not call upon any of these (witnesses) as they have no knowledge of the event or any relevance.
D. Wait a Minnie Mouse, is now one of my favorite dumb lines form fanfiction.
E. “All those convicts you listed...are convicted criminals!” Redundant much redundant?
F. Your grade on this paper.
"They were in prison my honor's your honor."
Saying it once is enough. We don’t need to be reminded in the same sentence we are told.
Edgeworth venerated. "But they are all witnesses who knew about the crime and even thought they don't know the exact details of the crime, their imagination is strong enough for them to envision EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SCENE EVEN THOUGH THEY DIDN'T SEE IT."
"Wow, truth really is stranger than fiction!" the slow judge fantasized rapidly.
"What is this, Aesop's Fables?" Phoenix commentaryed in his thoughts.
"But wait, how are they out of prison?" the judge asked.
"With the growing power of the authorities, the prosecution had enough authority to give shovels, drills, saws, spoons, and doggie treats to the convicts so they could break out of prison." Edgeworth explained.
"Wow, you prosecutors are nice." the judge admired. "You even give treats to the most unforgivable of people."
I’ve had it! There is now way you can be this dumb! A court would not let you break people out of jail for any reason! If they were a valid witness, they would let the criminal out to testify but with security around him. Also, why would you give them spoons to dig when you also gave them shovels? Finally, I am sick of the cleshay usage of spoons as a means to escape jail. If I am able to bend my spoon while trying to eat ice cream, it would be impossible to break through concrete, iron, or steel with a spoon!
"Yes, everyone loves a Teacher's lone wolf." Phoenix Hungaryed in his thoughts.
There is no NEED FOR QUOTATION MARKS!!!!
"Anyway, the prosecution calls it's first-OWWW!" shouted Winston Payne.
"FOOLISH DOCTOR WHO HAS A HOUSE AS FOOLISHLY HEAVY AS A PAINFUL BROMANCE WITH NURSES AND MOTHERLY MEDICS FOOLISH AS SWEET HOME." Franziska spouted out some blackly funny black comedy. "We don't know need to call witnesses to the stand, it is a redundant method most redundant, for I have made things simpler by CALLING THEM ON THE PHONE BEFORE CALLING THEM. Rich Wellington, come!"
Well it’s time.
"My name is what the prosecutor just titled," Rich Wellington sucked down, "and I am the second greatest rated person in the world next to Johann Sebastian Bach, meaning I am a second-rate rich kid compared to you first-rate foals. Now as for the testimony-YYYYY!"
Rich Wellington choked himself to death with his teas until he was dead, and fell over and died.
Everyone gasped for air.
"HE'S DEAD AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY, SO SOMEONE EXPLAIN WHY!" the judge commanded.
"We don't know, but the show must go on!" Edgeworth proclaimed as he knew all about movies, stages, plays, ballets, and the courtroom. "Our next witness, Moe the Clone, whose clone (think science!)
Ummm. Hent? Are you ok?
can only be seen here, for the real one was put in prison again after his release for disturbing the peace!"
Moe the Clone came on the stage.
"I AM MOE THE CLOWN," Moe pressed his buttons, "AND I OWN A TAVERN! AHA AHA AHA! GET IT, IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S A SIMPSONS REFEREE AND I HEAR THAT SHOW IS REALLY FUNNY SO I'M FUNNY!"
Dude! You had one pill! How strong is that shit?
"It seems this witness makes unfunny jokes whenever his buttons are pressed," Franziska pushed her weight, "SO IF YOU PRESS HIM MR. PHOENIX WHITE, HE COULDN'T HELP IT, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! (I SHIT YOU NOT, THIS IS THE REASONING THEY USE IN THE GAME).
I highly doubt that.
Triple rainbow….what does it mean?
"FAULTS ARE FUNNY, ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE IN ROADS AND PEOPLE!" Moe punned horribly as he made a terrible pun about big turncoat t-shirts. He then laughed until he died.
"THESE ARE SOME OF THE WORST TESTIMONIES I'VE EVER TESTIFIED TO MY EARS, BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST, WHAT IS HAPPENING?" the judge demanded an answer.
"We are not in the zenith of knowing, but we must continue even to nadir!" Edgeworth reasoned. "Proceed to the final witness, Matt Engarde!"
"ON GUARD!" Matt banzaied like a cat (YOU'RE IN THE FURNACE!)
Seriously Hent! Go lie down.
with his aluminum sword made of nickel. "I-"
Just as he began the testimony, he accidently swung the sword into his head, severing into a part of his face, leaving a huge cut, and killing him as nickels flew out of the peeled graping cut.
Ok I wasn’t paying attention since Hent took the pill. What the hell is going on?
"I IS INDEED," the judge willed.
Oh hay! its hoolusination rAy* Hose it guing?
Um, are you alright Hent? You don't look so good.
Isssssssss fon$ just not….kare_
That bad, huh? Alright, let's see what we're dealing with.
Hoos yulloow doed *\^_^/*
"I DON'T SEE AN I THAT CAN BE SEEN BY AN ALL KNOWING EYE IN THIS LACK OF EYE-OPENING TESTIMONY! NOW THERE ARE NO WITNESSES LEFT! I SHALL HAVE TO POSTPONE THIS TRIAL UNTIL TOMORR-""HOLD IT!" DRUM DRUM DRUM drummed in everyone's ear drum as Franziska made music with her words.
Sweet mother of Nonsense Jesus I have made a terrible mistake by joining this review.
Join the club.
"THE PROSECUTION DOES NOT WANT TO INVESTIGATE FOR ANOTHER DAY BECAUSE IT'S BORING AND WE LIKE SHOUTING MORE, SO JUST IN CASE WE COULD NOT GATHER RELIABLE WITNESSES, THE PROSECUTION HAVE FORGED SOME PLAUSIBLE ALIBIS AND TRUE EVIDENCE STRAIGHT FROM THE PROSECUTION!" Franziska applauded herself.
"Very well," the judge replied, "I'm not a big fan of forgeries, but if they're true and for justice, THEN EVERYTHING IS CORRECTION."
Everything is not for correction, a forgery by its very definition is untrue!
"First, the lullaby that will put the criminal to sleep in more ways than one," Franziska hushed. "PHOENIX WHITE HAS GROWN SO POWERFUL OVER A RULER OF THE AUTHORITIES THAT HE IS BECOME A DEITY.
I never actually played the games, but wasn't he a lawyer? Like, just a lawyer?
hissss look a pet stor owner nd his #trial for person new>
Fascinating. Hey, pass that over here once.
HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF EVERY MORTAL BEING IN THE UNIVERSE ACCOUNTED, EVEN THE ONES WHO ARE IRRECOUNTABLE. HE BROUGHT MIA FEY BACK TO LIFE BECAUSE HE LOVED HER AND HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW SHE WAS ALIVE, THEREFORE, HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD A MOTIVE TO KILL HER, THE DEMONIC DEMON."
"What reasoning is that, you try being the deity of the world!" Phoenix DeifyfienFeenPhoened.
"YOUR ACCOUNT COUNTS FOR RESPONSIBLE THINKING, FRANZISKA," the judge numbered the days.
Ain't nobody responsible for thinking anymore!
"But you're going to need a presentation of presentable proof."
"I do..." Franziska got out a scrap of paper with the words "PROOF THE DEFENDANT KNOWN AS PHOENIX WHITE IS GUILTY"
(It worked with griffins and chimaeras faces in books, and this pun is a draconequestria of a lot of different things) written on it and presented it to the court. "Here is the finishing blow, you broken combination!"
"Hmm..." the judge thought decisively. "THIS PROOF HAS PROOF WRITTEN ALL OVER THE PAPER AND IN THE PUDDING. I THINK THIS IS ENOUGH TO MAKE MY VERDICT!"
Repetition repetition does not a good story make.
"No, judge please!" Phoenix pleaded. "I know I'm too late, but it's not too late!"
Contradiction does not a good story make but it does.
"Sorry Phoenix," the judge condolenced, "but you are..."
Ellipsis… does not a good story make.
"HOLD IT!" BOOM BANG BEES exploded the courtroom walls
and everyone was sucked inside Phoenix's head.
"Neither innocent or guilty." Mia replied as she appeared and the landscape became clouded with clouds (YOU'RE CELESTIAL!).
Did I overdose? Is that was this story is telling me?
Yup, nothing. I'm dead now.
"Mia!" Phoenix shouted. "You're alive three times now!
What happens, this did not make sense!"
"Phoenix, the courtroom never existed, because you are a mouse!" Mia surmised. "You were not Mr. White's pet bird, you were his pet mouse and you got killed by his pet cat April May! That is why we were all so catty and mousey, because you imagined us all!"
"HOLD IT!" Phoenix realized. "Then that must mean that we're in..."
"Heaven." Mia augusted. "The place where everyone has an overactive imagination because they get bored of being dead, the only place where you could've imagined that you were a bird and a defense attorney and a mythical creature!"
"NO! This can't be! I objection to this ending!" Phoenix objected. "The ending is never ended!"
Then it was all final.
Man, I can’t trust you guys with anything can I? Well, time to get to work!