Review #123

the surviver

Story by protecter22

Review by Ray




If apple short and Secondpillow collaborated on a story, I imagine it would turn out something like this.


 

Well, damn. Let's dismantle this wall of text one brick at a time.

"I am shadow death I am a human turned to pony.

Gary Stu Counter: 2

my mission was simple that's what my employers said. I had to save a city from a vires that doesn't exist.

 

YOU CALL THAT BLOODY SIMPLE I LOST MY LIFE AND BECAME A FUCKING PONY IN ANOTHER DIMENSION!

Let this be a lesson protecter; you wouldn't have to shout if you hadn't put a wall of text between us.

now here I am in eqestria is it. anyway I met 6 ponies that amazingly trust me and help me adapt.

Pick a tense protecter, I can already tell this is going to get confusing.

I thought I was never going to find love.

What the fuck does love have to do with anything else that's been said?

this place made it happen.

 

Oh. Well, I hope everyone likes the taste of lemons.

this is where all will be told about my life here so far. this is what happened."

(diary entry ? written after all events)

It's always a good sign when not even the writer is sure about what the fuck is going on.

"I am shadow death as I write this there is no explanation I can give to where I am.

Wait for it…

I-im in a place where talking ponies thrive.

Boom, one sentence. One fucking sentence and the writer has already completely changed his mind.

its amazing but I need to get back to earth

 

I never understood that about this type of story. If the character hates the regular world, and finds happiness in the new world, why would they want to leave the new world?

im probably in another dimension or something but that doesn't happen unless... no oh god no please tell me I didn't die. MOTHER...FUCKERS! I KNEW IT WAS A GODDAMN SET UP (sound of glass breaking). huff...huff...huff huh that amazingly got me calm surprisingly quickly.

This has a suspicious amount of sound effects for a diary entry. Honestly protecter, if you're going to bother establishing a frame, why would you go out of your way to smash that frame to pieces immediately afterwards?

but im in a house this is where I appeared (lights turn on) oh...shit im dead again im so dead again." (throat clears) "who are you, how did you get in my library and why do you look like you've seen a vampony." "mm-m-my name ii-is shadow death. I was a human but I died and I guess you understand the rest. I died because I was set up. im sorry for waking you I have a new life to live now by."

"my names twilight sparkle. by the way if you think your going outside in the cold without a heat source your mistaken but I do have a couch so if you want you can stay

Immediately taken in by the obvious love lust interest?

Gary Stu Counter: 3

I am a unicorn so I used a lie detect spell on you. you...weren't lying

Which probably means he's delusional at best and a supernatural liar at worst.

 

I feel bad for you if you need to talk come to me or my 5 friends. rarity, pinky pie, fluttershy, applejack, or rainbow dash. just come to anyone of us and we will help ok. goodnight."

 

Okay, sure, friendship is fucking magical. But there's a difference between a friend and an incredibly shady stranger. I mean for the sake of all fucks, his name is literally Shadow Death!

"goodnight and thank you. I awoke the next morning to 5 faces staring down at me.

 d22.png

I said let me guess your twilights friends." "they all stared at me and nodded. o...k can you girls give me space.

That depends protecter; can you give me any justification as to why you're using quotes in a way that makes no sense whatsoever?

all but one backed away. all of a sudden the pink one which I guessed was pinky pie

Gee, how'd you figure? Next you'll be telling me that Rainbow Dash is the fast one with a rainbow mane.

was all up in my face with a stare that would put both the ghost rider and grim reaper to the hall of shame for life and it could kill the devil 20,000 times over."

Being nonchalant about something that could kill the devil 20,000 over, even hyperbolically?

Gary Stu Counter: 4

"finally she let out a hi with 200,000,000 i's.

 

that is what would've happened if I didn't do what came to mind to shut women up.

 

Oh please, do go on.

I fucking kissed her right on the lips. (yea didn't see that coming did ya)

Actually, that's pretty much exactly what I saw coming. You're not as original as you think you are protecter. In fact, a majority of the story so far has been an incoherent patchwork of cliches.

I was rewarded not only a blushing pinky pie but a bunch of jealous looking mares.

 

Gary Stu Counter: 10

I only said I did what would make her silent." "they finally nodded but screamed as an arrow came out of nowhere and was about to hit pinky pie until I pushed her out of the way and caught it myself through the chest.

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Because why the fuck not?

(ノ ゜Д゜)ノ ︵ ┻━┻

No, really, let's just go all out at this point. We already have the self inserted Gary Stu, the "edgy as fuck m8" plotline, and a complete disregard for character. Why not add in the lightning fast reflexes and the completely unnecessary heroic sacrifice?

‎(ノಥ益ಥ)ノ ┻━┻

While we're at it, can we get Shadow Dark'ness Dementia Raven Death to come back to life afterwards with no consequences whatsoever? It would make the sacrifice completely pointless, plus it would make room for a snide comment!

I blacked out 10 minutes later and woke up in a hospital bed with 6 ponies looking down at me in shock. fluttershy said your not dead but how the doctor said you were dead. I said it takes more than a puny arrow to keep me down and when I say a more I mean planet sized monsters more. because I...don't...die."

┻━┻ ︵╰(ಥ益ಥ)╯︵ ┻━┻

Gary Stu Counter: Two Hundred Million

"the doctor walked in and looked shocked. I got up out the bed and left the room. I was almost out when a lightning bolt hit me from behind this caused a sequence of events to take place in my body and I turned from pony to human decked out with weapons from the future. (2 double bladed katana's, 2 Deagle's, a plasma shotgun and a fucking nubetube. I was wearing some sort of decked out super armor that was colored in black, gold, platinum, red, and white. all of which gave a techno hippy type look.)

G̵àr̀y͟ Stu͘ C͏o̵un̨te̛r:̛ ER̨R̶OR͘! E̷RR̛O͡R͟! ̀SYS̕T̢EM ͡OV҉ERLO̸AD̸! ̨GAR͡Y͢ ̴S͝TU̴NESS͢ ̴H̶AS͢ ҉EXC̸EȨDE̶D̛ T͡A͡N̴GIBLE ME̢AS̛UR͏E̡M͟EN͘T͡S̕!

 

I turned around to see a unicorn with a cape a wizard hat. I said prepare for your death for I am shadow death."

Oh weird the incredibly shady stranger named Shadow Death turned out to be a senseless murderer who saw that coming besides literally everyone.

"she looked scared out of her mind. before she could even do a thing i sliced her in half.

Because why. The fuck. Not.

 

the 6 girls saw me and the mare (so called Trixie) which was in 2 pieces now. i turned back but as soon as i did i fainted. the things were gone when i woke up."

 

"i was in twilights house

 

"You showed up in my home out of nowhere, kissed my friend without any indication that she would be alright with it, and brutally murdered a complete stranger. You can spend the night at my house!" Said Twilight Sparkle never, because that would be completely fucking stupid of her.

when a baby dragon came down stairs. he said his name was spike so i told him my name.

"Shadow Death, huh? Come on dude, my name's Spike, and even I know that Shadow Death is pushing it a little."

after everything the girls have done for me i haven't repaid them. i was going to change that.

Oh, is it rape time already?

i got a job as an explorer/hunter because of my unique ability to change forms." "i was in the everfree forest when i came across 3 wraths fighting a treeant so i went to my human form and ran at the wraths decapitating them as i ran. when i stopped and turned back to pony form the treeant thanked me and said you were once human were you not.

"Yeah, like, three seconds ago."

i nodded and the treeant turned to a human as well and said in this dimension you can be anything once you die anyway. i can understand that but i have to get back to ponyville. i got to turn in my findings so far."

What findings? All you did was stumble upon a random fight, assume the wraiths were the bad guys, and then behead all of them. That's not a finding, that's a social problem.

"i will come back later if there is nothing to do ok. the treeant nodded before saying i want to go with you. i said ok as long as he was in his human form with me.

 

he said his name was thorn so i would know what to call him. we walked for 3 minutes until we ran into an ambush of mutants, corrupt demons, death weavers, orcs, ogres, cluster fuckers, bombnoms, and a pony version of jack the ripper."

Hm, sounds like quite the conundrum. So how many words is it going to take for protecter to resolve the situation while contributing nothing to the overall plot?

"we finally killed everything

Four, astounding.

and were just in time for the so called sun calibration. when we entered i saw not the princess twilight told me about no i saw an evil looking princess of night. my instinct told me to light her the fuck up but on the other hand my mind told me not to.

Waddaya know, Shadow Death has a mind, it's a fucking miracle.

so i trusted my mind but i kept my nubetube ready for anything. then she just vanished and the 6 girls rushed off into the everfree forest so i followed them."

Here's a challenge for you protecter; have an idea that lasts for an entire paragraph. Now I know that it's asking a lot. It asks that you learn what a paragraph is, and it asks that you actually make some effort to tell a legitimate story. But do the world a favor and just try it out.

 "they went into an abandon castle and i entered behind them with thorn behind me. they reached a room at the top of the castle and the evil bitch showed up. i stuck to the shadows and waited for the right moment which was now so i fired my nubetube right behind evil bitch and an explosion took place.

 

Oh, sorry, was there a story going on here?

i stepped from the shadows and into the light of the flames and pointed my nubetube at the bitch and said this here does that while pointing at my gun to the destruction.

Nope, didn't think so, g'night everyone.

 sailor moon animated GIF

i said now one chance who the fuck are you and where did you come from."

"And why the fuck am I so needlessly fucking aggressive all of the fucking time?"

"she said my name is nightmare moon i came from my imprisonment on the moon. i said ok now you get 3 seconds to go back or you fucking taste the goddamn rainbow of death.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

she just chuckled at that and said do you really think you a mortal can kill me. i shrugged and pulled the trigger and BOOM! pieces of flesh fly everywhere." "i warned her did i not.

Because murdering someone is totally fine as long as you give that person a three second head start.

everypony there stared at me in horror until thorn spoke up. just then a bright light entered the room and low and behold the princess celestia was here and was looking at the remains in horror and shouted who is responsible and i said for what the hole or the puddle of blood if its both its me sorry i can pay expenses now. celestia glared at me

 

and said she was my sister and you killed her now i will k- i interrupted by saying i...don't...think...so who is the one with the O.P. weapon here oh yea ME. she glared until it hit her i was human and she had no power over me unless i gave her that power."

 

"well its been an interesting day but i have to go to bed night everyone. little did they know i was going to go deeper into the forest.

"Well, I'm bored with this tangent, time to find another one that's just as meaningless."

i was in the forest with thorn when we heard fillies screaming i ran to the sound but thorn sensed danger and tried to stop me but to only see nothing. i was nearly there until i saw a beast worth killing. it was 20x bigger than me but i was game for kicking this things ass."

 

"5 minutes into the battle it was waving a white flag in the air but i sliced its head off as a precaution.

So at this point, I assume protecter's goal is to make Shadow Death impossible to sympathize with.

that's when i saw three fillies run to me only for me to fall to my knee in pain i could see blood dripping from my arm and chest. the three of them tried to run off only to bump into thorn who was starring at me in terror and relief. i couldn't do anything as i blacked out

*Blacked out again

and felt a power surge through me. i woke up in twilights home to be greeted by 6 ponies, 1 baby dragon, 1 princess, and my bro thorn."

Is Twilight's house a checkpoint or something? Every time he faints, he ends up back there again, good as new.

"celestia said how did you survive an encounter with the gutterdrake. all i said was easy kill the damn fucker. she said i mean HOW did you kill it the only way to survive is to kill it. i sighed and said i could tell which scales were cutable and which ones weren't.

Ah yes, knowledge of gutterdrake anatomy, it comes with the Gary Stu intuition.

she looked like she never knew how to skin." "i said i managed to skin the bitch so rarity can make me a tux that's protective.

We've been following Shadow Death for every waking moment since he arrived in Equestria; at what point did he ever learn that Rarity makes clothes?

rarity approved of a new resource to make my tux out of so she grabbed the scale covered hide and bolted for her place. i said that the thing shot needles at me all of which were covered in syrup like liquid. everyone looked at me in worry as i said one hit me in the arm. they said the stuff was poison that kills in 3 minutes and that im alive is impossible."

This is what, the fifth time he's blatantly defied death? At some point, they should really stop being so surprised.

"i said impossible my ass im alive aren't I. they giggled at the joke

Joke?

and burst out laughing and soon enough so did i. once we finished laugh fest we did what we always do group hug.

Yeah, they always do that, that's why we've never seen it before.

it is now night time as i write this part. i just wish no one dies the way i did. but if i didn't i would have never met these girls or even the one i love (pinky pie)."

Something tells me they eat a lot of cupcakes.

i am shadow death signing off.

diary entry #1

to be continued.