Back by popular singular demand, here's the final installment of Imma Wiserd. May Joseph G. Buttsex have mercy on our souls.
When we last left off…
we turned around... it wuz... VADERMORT FLYIN ON HIS DOLLA BILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111
"yes i have it... AQND NOW IM DA GRATEST WISERD EVER" a ball of dark electricty formed in his hand "YES NOW EVERYTING IN MY PLAN IS GOING ACCORING TO PLAN.... PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111"
den... a ball of red energy hit him on da side of hed.
he flew down an hit da stone floor brekin it.
"wut da hell" he sed
it wuz... JESUS!!!!!!!
"i tot u were suspended!!!!!" he sed
"i just got bak" sed jesus and thru anodder big red lazor ball at him.
den vadermort made a sord of dark energy in his hand. he cut da ball in haff and each side flew 2 each side. da walls esploded.
"i crusified u once... AND ILL DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!" sed vadermort
den... da battle began...
Well Fluff, think we can finish this battle once and for all?
That's the spirit!
Chapter 52, da biggest red ball of dem all
jesus made a big lazor ball in his hand and thru it. vadermort cut it in haf and both sides exploded again.
Well, it's good to see that nothing has changed since last time.
"TAKE DIS" sed vadermort swingin his dark sword. jesus blocked it wit da big red ball and den punched vadermort in da face an it esploded.
The sword exploded? The ball? Vadermort's face?
vadermort flu bak in2 da tower. stones cracked and crumbled.
"did i get him" sed jesus. but he didnt. a ball of dark energy (not 2 b confuzed wit blak energy)
Yeah, because confusing the two would just be stupid.
flu at him. jesus tried 2 doge him…
Oh god, it’s the return of the Bark Lurd!
Please dear wizard Jesus no, one bark lurd was enough! I'd rather just think of that one as Dumblydoge.
but he didnt. da ball hit him an it esploded. jesus flu bak 1000000 feet and crashed into da grond.
"lolololololololol" sed vadermort
"now dat i hav da wiserd stone............ NO ONE CAN DEFEET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!"
da sun was risin in da north.
Considering Hogwarts is in Egypt and the timeline is as confuckulated as My Immortal's, the sun rising in the north might be the most reasonable thing about this chapter.
but den i relized... dat wuznt da sun.... DAT WUZ JESUS MAKIN DA BIGGEST BIG RED BALL EVA!!!!
You were saying Ray.
"HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN" sed jesus liftin it ova his hed.
Did Jesus just pass a kidney stone while holding the boulder?
Maybe the red ball was a kidney stone?
"wut" sed vadermort suprized. he tryd 2 slash it wit his sord but it wuz 2 late.
"N0OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" sed vadermort crashin in2 babel tower.
"HORRAY" sed me an david. but den... we herd a rumblin. da tower of babel was fallin apart under r feet!!!
"da tower of babel was fallin apart under r feet!!!" sed david
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" i sed but we were fallin.
It's okay, just try to fall through one of the countless plot holes littering the story, you'll be fine.
da chillin were runnin out of ravinclaw commin room gettin crushed by bolders. den noah came out lookin all angry.
"wuts goi on" sed noah.
den a bolder flu towards him. "o hell no" he sed. "WHITE HOLE" da white hole apperd an sucked up sum bolders.
"RUN CHILLIN" sed noah "ITS NOT SAFE HERE" an they did.
but we were still fallin.
"is dis da end" sed david.
Chapter 53, jesus saves :
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" me an david sed as we were fallin 2 r deaths.
but den... jesus flu up an caught us!!
Really? Jesus ex machina? I guess it makes as much as everything else, but at this point I was hoping for something way more ridiculous.
david was in his arms an i wuz in his bak.
"hang on" sed jesus "its gonna be a bumby ride".
den dere wuz a sonic boom an we were flyin away.
"WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" me an david sed.
How exactly does one pronounce thirty four consecutive Hs?
With a lot of blood, sweat, and tears.
but we spoke 2 soon. vadermort wuz firin dark energy at us lik a machine gun.
"I CANT USE MY HANDS" sed jesus so he put david on da ground an started firin red balls at him. but vadermort wuz catchin up on da dolla bill.
"let me help" i sed an took out my gun an my wand an started shootin bullets an magik at vadermort whu tryd 2 doge dem but cuddnt.
He's susceptible to mortal weapons and it's taken this long to defeat him? SIR, I doubt the verisimilitude of your…
"BULLSEYE" i sed.
da dollabill started swervin. but as soon as i sed dat badermort made a big ass ball of dark energy an thru it at us. so jesus made anodder big ass lazor ball an thru it. der wuz a bigass esplosion an we were flung 2 grund.
"I TOLD U" sed vadermort "IM INVINCIBLE!!!! NO 1 CAN DEFET ME AS LONG AS I HAVE DA WISERD STONE!!!!!!"
You know, it’s hard for me to admit. But with the horrible spelling errors aside, this was a pretty cool fight scene.
It does have its moments, doesn't it? Don't get me wrong, the story is campy as hell. Still, and it's hard for me to admit too; there have definitely been parts I enjoyed.
This story is changing us! It’s turning us into nice people!
This is bad. We need to bring in one of the meanest people we know.
Allow me to rustle your jimmies.
but den... just as he sed dat... sum pirate ships started commin down da river....
Chapter 54, harod potter an da atomik antimagik nife
I'm sure J.K. Rowling was considering that for one of her books, but then she remembered that she still had some self respect left.
"IMMA WEAR UR ASS AS A HAT" sed harod
"HORRAY" sed bradberry.
"I meen im gonna kill u" sed harod
"oh..." sed bradberry.
↑ Conversation we have here at the Retributionists.
josef had out mosess staff an da gay sameritn had out his sord an wand blade.
"u mite have killed my entuire crew" sed harod. which wuz tru bcuz da nile river ran red an dere wuzznt a part of eygypt dat didnt have part of a ded slytherin on it.
"UR INSANE" sed da gay sameritin "ULL KILL US ALL"
"dat may b" sed harod "but im gonna kill u first"
How is it that the spelling got worse as the story continued?
den da gay sameritin ran at him. "DIE" sed da gay smaeritin. harod steped outta da way den cut his sord an stabbed him. da gay sameritin fell down on da deck all bloody.
"HAROD POTTER YOU BASTARD" sed steven runnin at him wit his big gay muscles.
Sure, his muscles are only attracted to men, why the hell not?
den he thru da biggest gayest punch eva.
harod but up da nife an bloked. but he wuz strugglin unda his big gay muscles. den as he was about to win somden when ova his hed.
"HMMMMMMMMMMM" sed harod. da gay smaritin wuz sittin on his hed tryin 2 put it up his butthole.
"DIE YOU LITTLE SUN OF A BOITCH". den dere wuz crack. he had brokin harods hed between his buttcheeks. harods body fell 2 da floor an da gay samariten slurped him up his buthole.
"r u alrite" sed bradberry.
"yes" sed da samaritin.
Well you shouldn't be. You really, really shouldn't be.
but den he sed "oooohhh.... i dont feel so good."
den... da atomik vibratin antimagik nife stabbed out of his stomach den cut him in haf.
Oh, we’re back to this?....Okay
sed da hufflepuffs as harod clawed his way out of da gay sameritins dead body.
"YOU BASTARD" sed a hufflepuff.
"you cant kill me dat easily" sed harod
"ive had enough of dis" sed josef steppin towards harod. "PREPARE 2 DIE"
"Hello! My name is Joseph G. Buttsex! You killed my butt pirate, prepare to die!"
Chapter 55, revenge
"u tink u can kill me?" sed harod
"yes i tink i can" sed josef
"DEN COME ON" sed harod an ran at josef slashin. josef blocked wit da staff bcuz he cudnt use magik bcuz it wuz an antimagik nife.
"I CANT USE MAGIK!?!" sed josef
"no you cant" sed harod.
The dialogue in this fanfic is just beautiful.
The dialogue in this fanfic is just beautiful?
de josef thru harod 2 da ground. he was about 2 bash harods hed open but harod doged an stabbed at josef. but he doged an hit harods leg an broke it. den he made a wand blade an cut harods had off an da nife fell thru da ship into da river.
"i dont need dis staff 2 kill u" sed josef kikin da staff aside. den he clicked his heels an did a lil turn. "RAINBOW!!" he sed.
"NOOOOOOO" sed harod as he caght on rainbow colored fire an esploded like fireworks.
"we got sum prisioners" sed a hufflpuff wit slytherins in chains.
"looks like were gonna have dat gay butt sex party afterall" sed steven.
"u know what dey say" sed josef "revenge is a dish best served with gay butt sex!"
"NOOOOOOOOO" sed da slytherins.
Oh you’ll get over it.
den as dey were about 2 put dere smelly cocks into da slytherns assholes dey herd a voice.
"LET MY PEOPLE GO" it wuz... MOSES!!
"why are u fiting?" he sed "do u want sltytherin 2 b like gobblygoo one of da original houses da was destroyed in da war between da houses?!"
"but dey tryed 2 kill us!" sed steven with a slytherin in a big bear hug with his cock inches away from his buthole.
"dat may b" sed moses "but we shud all get along. josef! u shud no better!"
"but dey killed da gay samariten!!" sed josef
"WUT" sed moses "WHO DID DIS!??!"
"well were is he?" sed moses
"hes dead" sed josef
"good" sed moses "we dont need his type at hogwatrs"
"but i gess dat mens u dont have a headmaster" he sed
No, I’m with you on this one. I’m more confused than I was with My Immortal.
"hey dats rite" sed a hufflepuff
"i say dis" sed moses "since da slytherins attacked hufflepuff from now on only a hufflepuff can b hed of slytherin. an since da hufflepuffs fought da slytherins only a slytherin can b hed of hufflepuff."
"does dat meen ull b r new hedmaster" sed steven
"yes" sed moses
"den who will be r hedmaster" sed a slytherin wit bradberrys can up his buthole.
I'm going to pretend I understood that.
"some1 who has shown grate courage" sed moses
"who is dat" sed josef
"its u josef" sed moses
"ME" sed josef
"yes" sed moses "now we must stop fitin. dere is an even bigger battle takin place rite as we speek."
Battles I wish we were reading about instead of this shit.
"wut" sed josef
"vadermorts fitin jesus an turtles in truble" sed moses
"RELEASE DA PRISINORS" sed josef
"TO WAR" sed josef an moses together
"Release the prisoners to war!"
as da slytherins an hufflepuffs climmed on2 da ship.
"fabulous" sed steven.
Chapter 56, snape gets naked (cough)
"DAMN" sed vadermort
"FIRE" sed josef an all da ships turned dere canons an fired at vadermort.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" sed vadermort an dey all hit him and esploded on him. but.... DEY DIDNT RLY!
he had caut dem all and he thru dem back at da ships!!!!
"wut" sed josef jumpin up just in time. da balls went thru da ships but dey didnt sink bcu dey still had sum life in dem.
"OFF DA DECK" sed josef .
"GET DEM" sed vadermort an den hundreds and hundreds of deatheatters came out of da trees and bushes wit guns an wand blades and swords an missle launchers.
We get it, Voldermort’s bitches are packin some heat, get on with it.
while da hufflepuffs an slytherins ran toward da detheatters josef looked up an sed "RAINBOW" an made a rainbow up to vadermort. he he slid up it wit da rainbow between his butcheeks.
I'm starting to get the impression that Joseph Gay Buttsex, the inventor of gay buttsex, might be a homosexual.
Secretly, I think he might be a lesbian.
"josef! i new ud cum" sed jesus who wuz a lil bit on fire. his hair wuz smokin an his clothes were ripped so u cud c his big muscles
"turtle wuddahya doin here" sed josef
"im just ridin around on jesus" i sed
"HEY! U NEVER LET ME DO DAT!" sed josef
"u want a differnt type of ride" sed jesus
"lets blast dat bignose muthafukker back to hell were he came from" sed jesus
"i like dat" sed josef
den.... from da fite below... some1 jumped up 1000000 feet 2 were we were wit 2 wandbladse in his hands an cut da dollabill in2 2 25 dolla bills.
"WUT" sed vadermort
"JUDAS ITS U" sed jesus
"hope u didnt miss me 2 much" sed judas an den fell back 1000000 feet in2 da battlefeild were he brought down his wrath on ani poor muthafukka who got in his way.
down on da battlefeld....
2 knittin needles were flyin around pokin ppls eyes out an a magikal string of yarn wuz stranglin ppl. it wu da patronis of mary margerine!!
den a detheater kicked her an she fell down
Well she went down quick.
"MY NAILS" sed mary margerine den a pair of needles stabbed da guy in da balls an nailed him 2 da moon.
Whaddya know, somebody wrote a song about this story.
vadermort wuz tryin 2 keep his balence on da 2 bills
"nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn" he sed
jesus thru a big ball at him but he bloked it wit da sord.
josef shot a rainbow at him but he bloked it wit da sord but it turned da sord colorful an flowers grew out of it.
I bet it could still kill some people, they would die a gay death, but it would still be death.
"DAM" sed vadermort
"DIE" he sed pointin at josef. but osef relfected it bak at him an it ripped thu his shoulder. but da shoulder gre bak agin. but den a big red ball hit him in da face an esploded. now his close were on fire showin in his big mussles. but not rly cuz he didnt have any.
as da cloak burned away jesus saw it. "SNAPE" he sed
"BLAST" sed vadermort while his small wite cock flopped around in da air. even josef didnt want to look at it.
Now that's a burn.
"ewwwwwwwww" sed josef
"JESUS CHRIST ULL PAY 4 DIS" sed vadermort. den he closed his hands an opened dem an litnin flew out.
"WUT" sed jesus an he cudnt doge dem all. he was gettin hit left an rite.
"JESUS NO" sed josef but den got hit by litnin right in his. he got flown bak doin cartweels. den he hit da gorund wit such force dat it made a crater an vaporized alot of ppl.
by dis time da detheatter dat mary margerine had nailed 2 da moon wuz flyin bak 2 earth as a flamin dead body.
Oh, he’s back. I’m sure he’s gonna be useful in the plot.
"NO" sed mary margerine an judas
"YES" sed da detheatters
"VICTORY IS MINE" sed vadermort his lil wit cock floppin around in glee.
If I had the ability to combine Stewie Griffin, Voldemort, Darth Vader, and a little penis into one image, that's exactly what I would put here.
Chapter 57, da death of vadermort
snape wuz standin up on his 2 dolla bills laughin at his victory. dere were more detheaters den slytherins or hufflepuffs. jesus an josef were both badly hurt. it looked like we were gonna loose.
I never wanted the bad guys to win so badly.
trupets started playin a da gyriffondoors were marchin ova da hill. at da front wit da sord of gryfindor wuz issac (u havnt met him yet but hes da hed of gryfondoor).
A character we’ve never heard of before, suddenly coming into the story out of fucking nowhere
In the bible, Isaac is the only son of Abraham. So let's see if that has anything to do with his role in this story.
an runnin up bside him wuz da picture of abraham lincon
Wrong Abraham, Mr. Author.
attached 2 a robot with 3 legs an 2 machine gun arms. "tell da devil in hell i sed hats off 2 ya" he sed an started gunnin dem down from behind.
I… I won't even question it. The rule of cool has won me over.
den up da river sailin thru da ruins of da hufflepuff ships was an arch... an on it... wuz.... NOAH AN DA RAVINCLAWS!!!!
"u destroyed r home u lil bastard" sed noah "normally we wud haf 2 of every animel on dis thing... but today we have someden a little different" den da monsters from babel tower came rushin out of da ark. dere were elefents wit dragen heds insted of trunks an dere were zombies an dragens an vampire werewolfs.
Fun fact: vampire werewolfs are a close relative of mine.
an da ravinclaws were runnin bside dem wit guns and wands and grenades.
i was in da middle of da detheaters. i had been fitin so hard dat my mussles were gleemin wit sweat even more. dere were mountains of detheater bodies on eitehr side of me.
"thank god" sed david
"yeh" sed judas
Don’t bring God into this, we have enough people in the Bible to fuck the Harry Potter franchise with.
an den we ran wit new energy in2 da detheters. i wuz lookin 4 jesus cuz i hadnt seen him in a while. i found him on da ground smokin.
vadermort waz up in da air throwin litnin down on everybody.
"jesus! r u alrite" i sed. he looked at me all week like
"im pretty baet up" he sed "i better just give up"
"I better just give up."
—Jesus Christ (Imma Wiserd 6:57)
"GIVE UP?!" i sed "u cant do dat ur da gratest wiserd of dis time"
That title goes to the great Dumblydore thank you very much.
"im only one of da gratest wiserds of dis time" he sed "da odder is josef. an vadermort beet us both"
"no he didnt" i sed 'ur still alive. u can beet him. if u try. i believe in u."
"u believe in me?" sed jesus
"we all do" i sed "me an mary margerine an judas an david an josef an abraham lincon"
All of whom are gonna die pretty soon.
"dats rite" sed lincon gunin down sum detheters. den he wakked ova 2 jesus an got on his robot knees an put a machine gun arm on jesuss shoulder.
"for score an years ago i wuz in a predicament like dis. but did i give up? NO. an if i could have founded da jews an found gryfondoor u can defeet dis cracker wit a small cock" he sed.
Abraham Lincoln - 1
Vadermort - 0
"... yeah... YEAH" sed jesus "I CAN BEET HIM"
den he flu up 2 were vadermort wuz. "JOSEF CAN U HERE ME"
"RAINBOW" sed josef outta da crater an flu up 2 vadermort.
"LETS TRY ONE MORE TIME" sed jsesu
"ok" sed josef. an he did.
If they were to fist pump right now, it might just top Doctor McNinja midair high fiving his gorilla secretary while superimposed on an explosion after jumping a car through a hoard of zombies.
"BACK 4 MORE" sed vadermort still naked
"yeah" sed jesus
"WELL HIT ME WIT UR BEST SHOT" sed vadermort. an dey did.
vadermort wu thowin dark magik an litnin lik a machine gun. he had his sord out redy 2 cut dem in half. den... as he swung... dey flew under him an pulled da 25 dollar bills out from under him an he fell down 10000 feet to da ground in da middle of da fight.
everyone turned. dey werent lookin at his face. dey were lookin at his small wite cock. 4 a long time no one sed anything bcuz dey were suprised. den some1 started gigglin. den all da detheaters started laughin. den da gryfindoors. den da ravinclaws. den da hufflepuffs. den da slytherins. soon everyone in da whole skool was laughin at him.
issac wuz pointin at his little cock an laughin. "LOOK AT IT!! ITS SO SMALL!!!"
abraham lincon wuz pointin at it wit his machine gun arm. "ITS SO SMALL EVEN I CUDNT SHOOT IT!!!" den he fell ova laughin.
Does Robolincoln even have a dick? Because I feel like he shouldn't be laughing if he doesn't.
vadermort covered himself up and turned red. den he started runnin away cryin.
"NOW" sed jesus an josef. den dey both shot dere magik togedder 2 make a giant rainbow hole (which is like a black hole only rly colorful). some of da hufflepuffs got excited an jumped in expected gay butt sex but got killed instead.
What is even going on at this point?
I think this is supposed to be part of the climax, but it's hard to tell, because that climax has been going on for the last six chapters.
den josef took out da staff an parted it like da red sea so dat dere were two rainbow holes.
"ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG" sed vadermort as he got ripped in two different directions. his lil cock got ripped off. den his leg. den his other leg. den his arms. den his body until all dat was left was his hed. den it esploded and went into different black holes. den da two holes rammed togedder to make da biggest esplotion ever. people were blown away. rainbow flames liked da moon an gave it a rainbow colored halo. trees got ripped up. all da mountains everywere had avalanches.
Welp, Vadermort is dead. Story is over….right?
down in hell da devil got out of bed wit his red night cap. "what da hell is goin on up dere?!" he sed hittin da celilin wit his broom.
You should prepare hell for a lot of new residents, that's what's going on up there.
when da smoke cleared everyone got up. jesus an josef were lookin at da crater amased.
"dey did it" sed someone in da crowd dat no one cud see.
den dere was a long scilence.
"HORRAY" sed bradberry.
den everyone started jumpin up an down huggin.
...no gay sex?
mary margerine ran up to jesus an started kissin him. n bradberry an steven ran up 2 josef an started kissin him.
abraham lincon wuz shootin up in da air.
"turtle? where r u" sed jesus
i ran thru da crowd with david an we hugged. but not in a gay way.
Good call adding that clarification. If you didn't slap a no homo on the end there, people might get the impression that the story has some gay elements in it.
"turtle! cum here!" sed josef.
Yup, definitely no gay elements here.
i went up to him an we hugged. but he wuz huggin me in a gay way.
"whose dis hansom man" sed bradberry
"oh dis is one of my best frends soulja spirit buu jackson. but u can call him turtle." sed josef'
den steven hugged me in his big gay arms. "well hey cutie" he sed. bradberry tipped his hat 2 me.
"but wait" sed josef "deres one more ting we have 2 do. da battle isnt over yet."
den everybody turned at da detheaters.
"fabulous" sed steven.
"horray" sed bradberry in a tuff voice.
everyone wuz hittin dere fists in dere hands an crackin dere necks.
1 of da detheatters pissed himself.
jesus an josef flew up in da air.
den.... "HEY!! WUTS GOIN ON AROUND HERE!!?!?!?!??!!"
everybody turned.... it wuz pumpass pilot.
he was wakkin out of da castle in his pink poka dotted night cap an pink pajamas.
"WHAT DA HELL ARE YOU DOIN OUT AFTER HOURS?!?!" he sed "WUTS ALL DIS NOISE ABOUT!?!?!? MR CHRIST!!
I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU!!!!"
jesus an josef looked down at dere feet.
den he pointed at everyone. "I WANT TO SEE ALL OF YOU UPSTAIRS IN MY OFFICE."
How big. Is this motherfucker's. Office.
note frum josef: "my that was a mighty long chapta 4 such a small cock"
Chapter 58, we truble agein
End the story. You have no bad guy anymore, unless you count pumpass punkass guy as your new villain, but what do you gain from extending the story?!
"WUT DID U ALL TINK U WERE DOING!?!??!" sed lookin at everi1 in his office. "DO YOU NO WUT TIME IT IS??!?!?!?!"
Time for you to pull your head out of your ass?
everybody looked down.
"LOOK AT DA MESS U MADE" he sed pointyin out da window. dere were craters an dead bodies an fires all over da grounds. "I WUZ SITTIN HERE TRYIN 2 GET SUM SLEEP AN DID I HERD ALL DESE ESPLOSIONS AN SCREEMS. AND A ACORN FLEW THRU MY WINDOW AN BROKE IT!!!" he held it up.
everione started gigglin. it wuznt an acron. it wuz vadermorts small cock.
"WUT? DO U TINK DIS IS FUNNY???" sed pilot
"MY QUESTIONS IS WERE WERE ALL DA TEECHERS DURIN ALL OF DIS"
"sir" sed moses "we were out fitin da dark lord"
"I DONT CARE WUT U WERE DOIN" sed pilot "I WILL NOT HAVE DIS TOMFOLLERY IN MY SCHOOL"
"but we were tryin 2 save da world" sed abraham lincon.
"MR LINCON?! YOU 2?!?" sed piolot.
lincon took off his hat an looked at da floor.
I’m confused. Why does everyone suddenly lose their dicks when talking with this person?
To be fair, we still haven't resolved whether or not Robolincoln had one to begin with.
"wheres snape?!" sed piolet. "he seems 2 be da only teecher dat follows da rules around here!!!"
den dere wuz a nock at da door. every1 turned around.
"did u call me?" sed a voice evilly
i gasped an my jaw dropped 2 da floor.
it wuz.... SNAPE!!!
Hey Fluff, I'm gonna borrow a gif real quick.
WHY‽ Snape/Vadermort died, we saw him die, and they built up to his death far too much to revoke it in such a cheap way.
"WUT!" sed jesus an josef "UR SUPPOSED 2 BE DEAD"
Tell me about it!
"wut r u takkin bout" sed snape lookin frum side 2 side.
WUT DID I TELL U ABOUT PIKIN ON PROFESSER SAPE!??!" sed pilot
"tank u" sed snape
"were were u durin all of dis" sed pilot
"i wuz sick in bed" sed snape sneekily. slowly he wakked toward da desk an when pilot wuznt lookin took da acorn an put it unda his coat.
That um… that’s not an...okay...
"well den u shudnt be up wakkin around" sed pilot "u shud b in bed gettin better"
"ok" sed sape an he letf
"NOW AS 4 DA REST OF U" sed pilot "U ALL HAVE DETENTION"
"but" sed issac
"NO BUTS ABOUT IT" sed pilot "NOW GOW 2 UR ROOMS"
everyone left da room gronen
"all dat hard work" sed jesus "an 4 noddin"
I know, right? After reviewing 58 chapters of this, I thought we were actually getting somewhere.
Do we get anywhere with any story we review?
"its not a totally loss" sed moses "at lest harods ded"
and we all went 2 our room.
Chapter 59, da day it rained glay butt sex
[Full of win intensifies]
josef entered da hufflepuff comminroom. dere were fewer hufflepuffs den usual. dey were all standin around all sad.
"i miss da gay smeritin" sed a hufflepuff.
'me too" sed anodder hufflepuff.
den steven turned to josef. "wait... dis isnt ur house anymore...."
Well he's still kind of part of it, but he's in charge of a different house now, but that doesn't mean—
I apologize for trying to make any sense of this.
"ur rite" sed josef lookin down all sad. "but b4 i go... imma give u 1 last present..."
Gay butt sex!
den he lifted up mosess staff an parted da clouds. it started out as 1 drop. den anooder. den... it started rainin rainbow colored drops.
I wasn’t that off.
"OMG ITS RAININ GAY BUTT SEX" sed a hufflepuff
dey all started running around wit dere mouths open tryin 2 catch it on dere tonges.
On the one hand, I'd like to taste the rainbow as much as the next guy. But if the rainbow tastes like gay buttsex, I guess I'll just let the Hufflepuffs have it to themselves.
It probably tastes like Mystery Flavor.
da penismids came 2 life an flew up an started goin in an out of giant buttholes in da sky.
Well, it's official, this story has lost the few remaining fucks it once gave.
No they’re there, Hufflepuff is just using them.
da nile river turned rainbow colored an flowers were commin up everywhere. da fish in da nile river turned in2 big cocks an jumped out of da water an started havin gay butt sex.
I don't even know if fish have the proper anatomy for that, but sure, fuck it. If dolphins can fuck each other in the head, then fish can have gay buttsex for all I care.
"ITS A MIRICLE" sed a hufflepuff. dey were runnin around havin gay butt sex. some were even climin on top of da penismids an ridin dem up 2 da buttholes in da sky. even da sfinx wuz gettin in on da fun.
Hurray for beastiality!
he wuz tryin 2 shove one of da penis mids u his asshole. butterflys of every color flew in.
"HORRAY" sed brabery "i gess we got dat gay butt sex party after all!!!"
We’re so happy for you.
Chapter 60, moseses gift
den moses came in.
"well josef" he sed "i gess its time 4 u 2 leeve"
"It doesn't make sense to me either, but it seemed like a good idea at the time, so I guess we're following through with it."
"ok..." sed josef an turned 2 leev.
"NO" sed bardberry an steven an dey ran up 2 hug josef "well never let u go!!!"
"maybe..." sed moses
"maybe wut' sed josef
"maybe... dey can cum 2 slytherin wit u" sed moses
"RLY?!" dey all sed
"yes" sed moses
"HORRAY" sed bradberry
"FABULOUS" sed steven
"well i gess dis is goodbi" sed josef
"goodbi" sed da hufflepuffs "well never 4get u"
"No matter how hard we try."
den josef bradberry an steven left da stone buttcheeks. it wuz da last time dey ever saw eygypt ever again.
"dey seem pretty happy" sed moses. "ill give dem a present. all da slitherins used 2 luv dis 1"
den da clouds grew all grey an it started thunderin. da hufflepuufs looked up.
"wuts happinin" dey sed. den it started RAININ SNAKES!
I’m tired of these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking story.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" sed all da hufflepuffs. dere were giant cobras.
"wait im not done yet" sed moses, den da nile river turned 2 blood an all da penis fish died an floted 2 da top. da flowers wilted an da butterflies died. dere wuz a big cloud in da distance. IT WUZ A BUNCH OF LUCUSTS!!!!!! dey started 2 eat da ded fish flowers an butterflies.
To be fair, that does seem to be on par with the slytherins we've seen in these fanfics.
"OW" sed a hufflepuff. all of da hufflepuffs were sproutin bowls.
den..... "OW" sed anodder hufflepuff. it wuz now hailin an breakin dere bowls.
all da hufflepuffs were cryin an screemin an ran into da penismids covered in snakes.
moses wuz all alone in front of da door.
"i just dont undastand dese chillin" sed moses wit his hands on his hips. den he wakked in2 egypt engoyin da beautiful day.
And they all lived and died happily ever after.
This isn't exactly where the story ends, but unfortunately, the remaining chapters were deleted and nobody seems to have saved them. Which is a shame, because apparently this was originally 69 chapters long. But to make up for the missing chapters, here's another story by Eagel.
You just love making the torture continue, don’t you Ray?
Nigger the pooh
(1 chaqter) i wuz reedin arund in da winnee da pooh book an i found dis lost story which i ut on da intanet.
I read that as “I was reading Winnie the Pooh and just decided to write a shitty fanfic about it”. And now we’re here.
it wuz a sunny day an winnee da pooh wuz wakkin around. den he looked up a tree an dere was a big honney comm wit a hooooooooooooooooole bunch of honey in it.
"my my wut an ingotyable beehive" sed pooh "i wud like 2 partake oin dat honney"
Conflict is a go, we have story. Repeat, we have story.
"but how r u gonna do dat" sed pigglet
"u can fly up on dis ballon" sed owl
"but theyll know im a bare lookin 4 huney" sed pooh.
den i walked in.
"NIGGA" sed pooh
Yeah, hearing a beloved childhood character like Winnie the Pooh, you really don’t expect him to all of a sudden blurt out the word “nigga”. I wasn’t even ready for that.
List of beloved children's shows to ruin:
• Scooby Doo
• My Little Pony
• Dora the Explorer
• SpongeBob SquarePants
• Camp Lazlo
• Winnie the Pooh
All those innocent characters...fucked beyond belief.
"WUT" i sed
"oh sorry" sed pooh "u look exactly like my brotha nigga da pooh"
"well my name isnt nigger" i sed "my name is soulja spirit buu jackson.
but u can call me turtle"
I’d rather kill you so I’d never have to read about you, but this story is thankfully shorter so.
"wait i have an idea" sed owl "hes balck! if we give him da ballon da bees will only tink hes a black rain cloud"
That's so racist it just might work.
"wow your smart" sed pigglet. an dey gave me da ballon.
i floated up in da air. den da bees started buzzin around me. den... i got a grate idea. i broke a stick off da tree an started hittin da beehive.
da beehive fell 2 ground an all da bees died of broken necks.
Yeah, that's what would happen.
den i glided slowly onto da ground.
"HORRAY FOR TURTLE" sed pigglet "HE KILLED DA BEES"
"now im gonna take dis honey" sed pooh "an take it home an put it all ova my fried cikin"
"u cant put fried chikin on honey" i sed
"i can" sed pooh "bcuz im a bear"
den we started walkin. it wuz snowin outside... den... i tot i saw sometin in da bush.
"wuts dat" i sed. we all went 2 da bush. we saw three pairs of footprints.
den we went around around anodder time. we saw 6 pairs of footprints. den i herd a click behind me an i felt someone pop a cap in my ass.
i turned around. IT WAS A GODDAMN HEFFALUMP.
"sneeky son of a bitch" sed pigglet.
Well that was a literary kick to the balls. Pigglet why, you were like the most innocent/annoying as fuck character in the show.
den da heffalump stared pumpin lead into pooh.
pooh flew back. fluff wuz goin everywere.
Hey, you don’t tell me what to do!
den owl flew ova an started to try an stracth da heffalumps eyes out.
"O HELL NO" sed da heffalump an he ripped off owls wings an started beating him with dem. owl wuz coughin up blood.
Not that this story offered much to begin with, but I feel like it's taken an oddly dark turn.
pigglet piked up a stick an tried 2 stab him but da heffalump kiked him away an started beating him wit owls wings.
"pigglet" sed pooh "give me my pop gun so i can POP A CAP IN DIS MUTHAFUKKAS ASS"
pigglet slid it across da ground becauze he coudnt get up bcuz he wuz gettin beetin to deth.
pooh picked it up "SAY GOODNITE MUTHAFUKA" he sed an poped a cap in his ass. but it didnt work bcuz it wuz a cap insted of a bullet. da heffalump turned around an slaped pooh across da face an he flew against a tree.
Damn Pooh, you just got bitchslapped by a pink elephant. Whatcha gonna do?
den i jumped an grabbed da gun by da pipe. i swum. i hit da heffalump in da face. teeth went everywere an his jaw broke.
"muthafukka" he sed.
*He said with a broken jaw.
den i hit him on top of da hed an i herd his skull crack. blood wuz commin out of his trunk.
So remember when this story was about honey?
It is, the honey just turned red for some reason.
den i swung 4 his neck but he grabbed da barrel. we were now on da ground wresslin.
den i took bot my hands and strangled the heffalump. n he strangled me. but i stragled harder an he died.
sweetin i got up. "is everyone alright" i sed.
No, everyone is most certainly not alright.
pooh wuz asleep an owl wuz bleedin an pikkin up his wings.
"im alrite" sed pigglet.
"good" i sed "help me carry dem 2 your house"
AN: plz cum 2 my forums im sure well have lots o fun in dem t/myforums/raveneagel/1623608/ (u have 2 take out da spaces in da niddle bcuz it wont work rite like)
I will make sure not to go anywhere near there.
Well for those of you with a death wish, here's a link that's not broken. Amazingly enough, fanfiction.net blocks fanfiction.net as spam. Anyways, there you have it; those are the complete works of Eagel, or rather, the works of Eagel that weren't deleted from the internet.
Did you have as much fun as I did?
Honestly? Yeah, that wasn't nearly as awful as I thought it was going to be. But if we ever review another long running Harry Potter fanfic, I might just lose the few remaining shreds of my sanity.
I’ll remind myself to keep them off my radar.