Review #12

Doctor Hoo

Story by x-sparklegurl1997-x

Review by Ray

Whovians and lovers of the English language alike, get ready to rage.

It may not seem like it, but there’s a whole team of people behind each instalment of the Retributionists. And by a whole team, I of course mean a couple of people who casually help out. Joining us this time is Lieutenant Fluff, who’s found more than a few of the stories we review. He also writes fanfiction, but unlike Tara and ComicsNix he’s good at it, so try not to hold it against him.


Chapter 1

Hey GUYS im reeeeeealy trying to improv my stories

I can appreciate a good improv, but I don’t think writing is the place to do it.

I don’t appreciate a god damn thing from this author.

Welcome to the team.

Thank you.

and my frend wanted me to write a doctor who fanfictin so I WILL! HAHAHAHJAHAHA!


SUMMER IS OVER. and im rely sad ALL SUMMER LONG I said goodbye to my beautiful quebec city

And it’s from this point forth that all narration shall be read in a Canadian accent.

Those Canadians just write the best of fanfics.

Good music though, when they’re not named Justin.

I also played kindum harts an persona and my frend introduced dcter who to me.

I hate your frend.

How many fanfiction authors has Raven corrupted?

Who’s Raven?

She helped write My Immortal. Any time a fanfiction author has been influenced, there’s a chance she’s to blame. And while this may not be goffic, the characteristics of bad spelling and worse plotlines are there.

There’s plotlines?


 Unforgunately I have bad bad bad bad bad bad terrible news. IM MOVING TO TORONTO…

I have the world’s smallest violin with your name on it.




Da English are stupud.

Your English are stupid.

Xcept for the peple who mad doctor who

That’s fair.

Doctor Hoo chapta 1

My name is Buttercup Butterfly Trudeau.

So far so good, the protagonist only has three names.

Two if you call her Mary Sue.

I work at Hooters and I'm 19 yeas old. My parents were killed by the silence

Silence kills? New plan LT, don’t say another word.

I’ll try.

and my favourite soccer team is Manchester United, I am friends with Doctor Who and we travel in the TURDIS together,


I, uh… I don’t think this silence plan is going to work.

What do you mean, it’s working perfectly.

Rose is there too but shes a slut. When I was little daleks ate my dog.

Has she seen Doctor Who?

It’s pretty well known that most fanfiction writers never watch or read what they are writing.

Have you seen Doctor Who Lieutenant Fluff?

Nope, I have a life.

Fair enough, how’s that Whovian Fanfiction coming along?

I’m on Ch. 6, the Doctor is about to fight his twin brother.

His name was River Song he was River in disguise



Either way, this character just got more interesting.

and so she is dead.

And she was soo young.

Not to mention how attached to this character we’ve grown. Rest in peace man woman dog river.

One day we were in the TARDAS and we went to London and saw Manchester United win every single football game (IM NOT CALLING IT SOCCER CUZ IT SOUNS DUMB).

I agree, but I think that if you have to clarify the effect is a bit moot.

Then we went to Quebec just before the referendum and made everyone vote "oui" using the sonic screwdriver. Quebec is now its own country THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED

And then the United States invaded and conquered Quebec, the end.

Epilogue: Mexico invaded while we weren’t looking.


Suddenly out of nowhere, my worst enemy popped up. It was…STEven HARper!


The face of evil.

Apparently he’s the prime minister of Canada, looks aboot right.

He said, "I want quebec back!" and doctor who said, "in the name of david tenant I WILL END YOU!" and he shot him with the sonic screwdriver.

Does the sonic screwdriver shoot people? I haven’t seen the show, I’m just guessing it doesn’t because it’s a fucking screwdriver.

Rose gasped. "Doctor who how can you?" and he shot rose too but she came back to life because she is part time lord on her dads side (her dad is Romana 100).

We went back to quebec and Justin Trudeau was in charge. He is ver y sexy but not as sexy as Doctor Who becuas doctor who waers sexy orange tuxedos!


Today he had on a green tuxedo

Well that’s not very sexy, orange tuxedos are the epitome of sexy.

Excuse me while I look up what epitome means.

it was sparkly and it says "I love Butterfly Butterfly" on the buttons and my name was on the back of it too in sparkly good.

My Sue senses are tingling.

Mickey came and said "HI doctor who! How is Donald duck Doctor


 Who asked, "He is fine.”

We went back into the TARDUS and danced to Simple Plan "my heart heart hreat



The spelling, the plot or lack thereof, the songs; it all adds up.

All that’s left is a paragraph on what she’s wearing.

Don’t tempt her.

She already did a sentence or two about the Doctor’s sexy orange tuxedo.

And I was a sentence away from finding my good lobotomy hammer.

If you need one I have a spare.

is so jet lagged" we sang it French because English sucks except when Doctor Who says English because he has a sexy accent.

So, point of interest; why are you using it? English isn’t the most sensible language, but it’s incredibly versatile. If you don’t want to write it however, we don’t need to read it.

But just then…



He was wearing a sexy yellow tuxedo that matched his hair. It said I hate Amy on the back because she cheated on him with Doctor Who.

That’s it, this is Raven writing this. She changed her name and began a new story.


Rose tried to have sex with him but he pushsed her away and she died again. River Song came out of nowhere she said "hello sweetie spoilers" and she and Rory got married except she was in dog form so he was arrested b y the space rhinos/

What the fucking fuck? What story is this?

This stopped being a story when we found out Raven wrote it.

Raven has a story? Red, hold my hammer.

I might use it on myself if I do. And we might have to have a talk about Red.

Just then River song remembered she was dead so she died.

If I convince myself I’m reading Green Eggs and Ham, will that happen too? Please?


And I cried because she was MY DOG and I was sad we had a funeral.

I was going to mention how fucked the chronology is, but I suppose they have a time machine.

The dcotr who cried with me he loved that puppi, and he was sad. So I gave him a present it was…

A new puppy?

128549309 different coloured tuxedoes!


And matching boties. And a fez. He was soooo happy he asked "Butterfly my little butterfly will you marry me"

END OF CHAPTER plz review

Rest assured, we’re on it.

Chapter 2


There’s so much wrong with that title that I don’t know how to begin. So I won’t.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Machester united is da best team shut up

I wasn’t saying anything, mostly because I don’t know shit about either type of football.


When I woke up that morning I saw that Doctor Who was in bed with me.



Well Ms. Sue, it seems you’ve developed a case of selective amnesia, very common in hokey writing.

He laughed and said "do not worry Buttercup I did not sex you. I just like your sleeping face" "well that's creepy but cute ok" I blushed a lot.

Cause that’s how everyone reacts when someone says that to you.

We turned on the news and saw that da gummi ship had landed in Inaba, where we lived (AN: READ MY OTHER FICS IT WILL MAKE SENSE).


But stepen harper didn't let the gummi ship land because he's a mean asshole. He ruled japan now so we had to rebellion!



Oh, Hentia Man, have you met Luetenant Flu… Hentai Man?


I think he’s gone. Looks like he’s the smart one.

We found le louche and he was now the captain of Manchester United instead of Lionel Messi.

Weird career change.

 He said "konnichiwa bitches lol that's a bad work jk everyone we have to save Japan from the evil Stephen harper."


Everyone cheered including Justin trudeau who is rly hot. Doctor Who got out his sonic screwdriver flamethrower gun AK-47 and said "LETS KILL THESE BITCHES" it had a banana on it


 and he was wearing a sexy blue sparkly tuxedo that said I LOVE NIPPON on the back beause steven Harper renamed Japan to Nazi Germany.


He was smiling and holding a kitten, how evil could he possibly be?

He probably was trained by a Bond villain.

He also had a Mohawk that was rainbow coloured and neon converse. He was voted Cosmos 15th sexiear man of the year.

Stepehn harper pulled out a cellphone and texted somwon.

Thank you x-sparklegurl1997-x, for that detail. Now can we get back to what little plot there is?

Suddenly the sky was black becausae the sun was blocked out because there were 5464372956 spaceships in front of it. We could here EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE from the paceship. Doctor who made an oh no face.


A dalek came up to us and doctor who said buttercup we don't have much time. He pinned me to the groun and isad I LUV U BUTTERCUP and by the way we're married now so we can sex.

That was faster than Twilight.

I moaned in pleasure and I said Please sex me. He put his penis into my clitasaurus and Imoaned a lot and my tits grew really big because of Doctor Whos magic powers


. We sexed for hours and hours and he had a really big organism.


He made it grow with magic it was Great. (AN: THAT WAS MY FIRST LEMON SCENE LOL WAT DO U THINK)

I think I’m glad the scene is over.

I’m glad the story is over.

 Doctor Who sscreamed ROSE ROSE ROSE and I gasped and cried and said BUT SHES A SLUT and Doctor who said BUT SHES PRETNANT WITH MY BABY and I gassed

It’s not polite to fart after sex.

 and cried.

When we got home I took a pregnet test and I was.


Or not, the last update was back in 2011. We can hope, but the return of Doctor Hoo isn’t looking too good.

And is Doctor Hoo supposed to be an owl or something?

I think you have a new plot twist for chapter seven.

I’ll begin writing right now!