Review #118

Reporting for Duty

Story by Jason

Review by Ray

Hm, what to review next...

List of beloved children's shows to ruin

This is the first Commander Hoohaw/Lumpus fic

Heh. Hoohaw. It's funny because vagina.

(yeah, that’s mean a YAOI/LEMON) that I know of. If you don’t like the material, then it’s time for you to click the back button, k?

Under normal circumstances that would be very reasonable. But come on, when have we ever been reasonable here on The Retributionists?

Now, on with the fic. Enjoy.


PS- The plot isn’t that involved because I know you just want the smut.


Why I never! I'll have you know that I was browsing through the Camp Lazlo section of Adult Fanfiction to find terrible smut and terrible plot my good sir, and to suggest otherwise is downright ungentlemanly.

It was around 1900 hours at Camp Kidney, so that meant the Bean Scouts were busy chowing down at the mess hall…at least, almost all of them. Lazlo was outside, walking the grounds of the camp, bored.

What the matter Lazlo? Looking for the plot? I know how you feel man, I don't see it either.

The monkey didn’t stand still for long and eating was no exception.


As he was walking, he saw the brights of a car pulling into the camp. Lazlo perked up and went to greet whoever was inside of it. Out stepped Commander Hoohaw, grunting and complaining as always.


“Monkey, where’s Lumpus? This camp is so disorderly; I’m just waiting to close it down!”

Considering there's only one scout in the entire camp who's out of place, this actually seems like one of their better days.

“I think he’s in the Scoutmaster Cabin, sir,” Lazlo said quietly. Hoohaw murmured something under his breath

"Why couldn't this just be another Harry Potter fic? Instead I gotta be involved? This is bullshit."

and walked toward Lumpus’s cabin in a hurry…

Scoutmaster Lumpus was laying naked, spread eagle on his bed, stroking his thick cock.


The writer wasn't lying, this really didn't waste much time at all on the plot.

“Finally, with Slinkman and those hooligans at the mess hall, I can have some time to myself.”

He said, out loud for some reason…

Thoughts of having hot sex with Jane Doe, his crush, made him even more horny and excited.

Just as Lumpus was about to empty his aching organ,

I've read enough depraved fanfiction to know that this could either be his groinsack or his stomach.

he saw a figure standing at the doorway,


it instantly it was…

“Commander Hoohaw!” he screamed,

"Commander Hoohaw? I hardly know her!"

sitting up and covering himself up with a pillow. “Sir, I d-d-didn’t see you there, I don’t know what to-”

Hoohaw just smiled, slyly at that, and put his index finger to his mouth,

I don't know whose mouth they're referring to, and I don't think it makes a difference.

signaling the moose to be quiet.

“Well, Lumpus, it seems as if we’re having some evening fun tonight, mm?” The large ox started to walk toward the frightened Scoutmaster.

A story where the scoutmaster is the one being molested? Actually, I'm okay with that.

“Sir, please, I didn’t mean-” started the moose, but was silenced when Hoohaw started to kiss him.

In Soviet Russia, Hoohaw kisses you! And yes, I do have more terrible Hoohaw puns that I'm not afraid to use.

Lumpus was shocked at first but then was surprised at how much he was enjoying this kiss.


The moose parted his lips and let his superior enter his warm mouth, now using tongues as Hoohaw explored every crevice.

After a few minutes,


Hoohaw broke the kiss. “Scoutmaster, take off my uniform top.”

Lumpus moved his shaking hands to the ox’s top, unbuttoning each button and then slid off the uniform. Hoohaw was rippling with muscle; his biceps were amazingly huge and his pecs were fully developed along with a tight stomach and a hard six pack.

Also he's an ox. I feel like we should be addressing that more.


See? Ox. By the way, here's a fun fact. Jeff Bennet, the voice actor for Commander Hoohaw, also voiced Lobster Number Three in The Penguins of Madagascar. I only mention it because if anyone ever reads this story, then the lobster thing will look much better on his resume when compared to Commander Innuendo.

Still standing, Hoohaw began to pose for Lumpus, making every muscle bulge out.


“Like what you see?” the superior yelled, flexing. Lumpus’ cock became even harder, and he nodded in awe.

"Meanwhile, dozens of bean scouts looked on in awe and horror from the window, because oxhead is literally shouting at this point."

He looked down and saw the tight, large bulge in the ox’s pants.

The Commander saw Lumpus looking then smiled again. “Lumpus, come here and remove my trousers. My cock is ready to tear them off.”

Then let your cock tear them off! That would actually be a very neat trick.

Lumpus was now hornier than ever and nodded, words absent. He grasped the ox’s belt buckle and undid it, then zipped down the fly. Pulling down the trousers, he exposed Hoohaw’s jockeys, tight and his cock clearly outlined in the fabric, pulsating.

Hoohaw moaned in pleasure and smiled even wider. “Scoutmaster, you know what to do…”

Does he? Based on the Jane Doe fantasy and the surprise over enjoying the kiss, it sounds like he's been more or less straight until this point. Granted, I can't imagine sucking dick is that complicated, but there are certain courtesies that some people might not be aware of. For example, teeth should not be involved at any point.

Lumpus moved his trembling fingers to the waistband of the jockeys, but the Commander stopped him. “No, do it with your teeth.”


Lumpus shuddered in pleasure of just the thought.

Oh, did he really?

Out the outside it seems he hated Hoohaw with a passion, but really, he respected and admired the Commander.

Oh, did he really?

And now, he was taking this admiration to a whole new level…

OH, DID HE… well yeah, actually I guess that one's kinda true.

He bit down on the jockey’s waistband and began yanking them down, smelling the ox’s manly musk and detergent. And there it was, exposed to him now. A foot-long cock, pulsating, covered in fine veins.


Lumpus’ cock got even harder if possible.

But what if it wasn't possible? Do you have a contingency for that, mister narrator? From now on, I'm expecting a split timeline in this story. One that follows the events in a universe where Lumpus' cock could get harder, and another that follows the events in a universe where Lumpus' cock could not.

Hoohaw was moaning again, Lumpus’ hot breath against his crotch making him extremely hot.

“Scoutmaster, suck me. I want my cock in your hot mouth, pronto.”

If I had a nickel for every realistic line of dialogue in this story, I would have zero nickels.

Lumpus was nervous; he knew he couldn’t fit that monster into his mouth, but he would try. He needed to taste and worship the mammoth offering.

Retribution Band Name #2: Worship the Mammoth Offering

Lumpus swallowed, and then his tongue, licked the underside of the ox’s shaft.

I'll admit that it's a minor point compared to the punctuation of other stories we've reviewed, but why would there be a comma, there? It's, just odd. It interrupts the, flow in a way that doesn't even make, sense.

Hoohaw was moaning even louder, grunting in pleasure.


Lumpus licked it a few more times, then swallowed the cockhead, and several inches of the shaft.

Hoohaw hissed,

That just sounds unhealthy.

placing his hands on the moose’s head, rubbing it.

Which head is he rubbing? The world may never know. Or care.

Lumpus kept on sucking the shaft, enjoying the musky flavor of his superior.

“Keep going, Lumpus,” the Commander cried, then began to face fuck the moose.

Geez, no need to be bossy if you're just going to do it yourself anyways.

Lumpus tried his best to keep in time, feeling Hoohaw’s cock invading his throat muscles.

After a couple minutes, the ox let out a primal roar,

"Which scared away the few brave bean scouts who were still watching from the now foggy window."

and Lumpus felt warm cum invading his mouth. It seemed like gallons, but he eagerly swallowed it all,


savoring the taste of Hoohaw’s hot offering. He saved some of it in his mouth, and kissed the ox, sharing his load.

 Dr. Evil Air Quotes - "Sharing"

After a few minutes, Hoohaw was showing that smile again. “Scoutmaster, go get some lube.”


Lumpus knew what was about to happen, but he happily obliged. He ran to his sock drawer, and Hoohaw watched the naked, sexy moose retrieve a bottle of KY.

But on the way back, Lumpus tripped and fell on his hand.

"Ow!" exclaimed Lumpus. "I think I hurt my knuckle!"

Then, to make Lumpus feel better, Hoohaw rubbed against the moose knuckle. And that's the story of how yaoi became yuri. The end.


Hoohaw grabbed Lumpus and spread his body over the bed. “I’m going to fuck you senseless, Scoutmaster,” Hoohaw laughed, spreading the moose’s tight cheeks and preparing the rosebud.

Preparing the rosebud. Huh. That is an oddly accurate metaphor, and I can only imagine what this rosebud is going to blossom into.

Lumpus moaned in pleasure as his Commander’s fingers invaded his hole, spreading the lube.

The fingers drew back and Lumpus felt a pulsating new heat,

"Which probably did very little to compensate for the cold emptiness of just having been fingered," said the narrator, and definitely not Ray from having watched this among several other comedians such as John Mulaney and Louis CK.

and then Hoohaw’s cockhead push against his awaiting hole. In one thrust, Hoohaw pushed half of his mammoth cock into the Scoutmaster.


Lumpus screamed in pleasure and pain

That seems to happen a lot in these stories.

as Hoohaw began to ride him, slamming his cock in and out against his prostate. “God, you’re so tight, Lumpus,” the Commander moaned, moving in and out faster and faster.

"Yeah, I was trying to keep it that way, but whatever."

Soon, the moose could not take any more sexual torture, and blew his

"—Brains out."

load, shooting cum all over his bed.

Lumpus’ hold contracted and that was enough to send Hoohaw over the edge, roaring,

"As the bean scouts cried in their cabins, wishing it would just end already."

shooting another load of his hot cum in Lumpus’ innards, drawn to the hilt.

Hoohaw laid on top of the Scoutmaster, cock still buried into his now open rosebud, both of them basking in the glory of their love-making.

“Hey, when’s my turn?” Slinkman suddenly said from the corner, jacking his own hard cock…

So whacky, such knee slap, very twist. But for real writer, don't make a sequel with the banana slug, I don't even know what we would be able to do with that.