Review #117

Emily H The Viking Princess

Story by emilyh96

Review by Ray




this story is something ive been working on for some time now, its kinda a mix of my dreams and just some improv.

In other words, you didn't spell check any of this, did you Emily H?

i hope you fiend the hidden message in it and it helps you in your life.

Quest Received: Locate the bullshit hidden within the legend of the Mary Sue!

this is the first story im putting up so only good revues,

 

if you dont like it then just dont read it,

You know what? That is a fantastic point. I guess I'll be on my way then, b—

but im sure you will like it,

 

So close to escape. So close. "Hey, you don't have to read my story if you won't like it, but you're going to like it, so you basically do have to read it. Also you can only say good things about it." That's the kind of logic I would expect from a child, so let's do some math. Emily H's username is emilyh96, so it can be assumed that she was born in 1996. This story was posted in 2012, putting her at roughly sixteen years old.

 

its kinda a love action story with some pretty cool twists.

True Romance is a kinda love action story with some pretty cool twists. This is Mary Sue incarnate.

"Emily H the Viking Princess"

Said the… narrator? Titlecard? Okay, I give up, who the hell said that? And if nobody said it, then why the hell was it in quotes?

it was the 16 hundreads, the time of the vikings (not the base ball team), my name is Emily h im 15 and a half years young.

Oh, this is going to be beautiful. I… I think I need a moment.

 thanks animated GIF

One more time; I want to read that again.

it was the 16 hundreads, the time of the vikings (not the base ball team), my name is Emily h im 15 and a half years young.

That puts us at fifteen and a half things wrong with the very first sentence, which is just… just amazing. Thank you Fanfiction Jesus, for this gift you have bestowed upon us.

I love my golden hair that flows around my almost emo slender body, im a b cup but im comfudend in my body even though i was made fun of as a kid.

It's been a while since we did this, but I think it's time.

Mary Sue Counter: 4

guys are always mad mackin up on me when im working at my job, i work as a watriss at the town tavern, ships are always cumming into th town port and lodes of vikings croud the smalll viking village.

Well, I know somebody who won't be getting a spellcheck award anytime soon.

my father is the caption of a smaller ship used for scouting and other small expodisions.

 Make your own inspirational or funny motivational poster for any occasion.

A motivational caption indeed.

i love my father more than anyone else in the world, my mother was killed in a rade when i was just a babby, she died saving my life.

A unique story surrounding her birth or infancy?

Mary Sue counter: 5

my father is all i have left, i dont get to see him varry much though cause hes always out on important missions. i spend my time working, and at our small house day dreaming about meeting a real boy,

 

not one of those rude viking pig boys that are always chasing after me. my father has been out on a scouting mission now for 6 months and summer now, i love summer most of all.

I feel like the first half of that sentence doesn't quite match the second half of that sentence, but I don't feel surprised about it.

its so warm and the slowers are all growing and i love to pick them and decorate my small house thinking about when my father will return and scoop m up in his arms and kiss me.

Well, I think we all know where this is going.

"EMILY, get your ass over to table 4 they need there drinks" said my boss mancy, she was a mean old viking, tuffer than a lot of worriers, one time i saw her beat a viking in to the ground just for making a rude remark about her face.

To be fair, that viking sort of had it coming.

but she pais me well and i know she loved me like a daughter.

Out of character special treatment?

Mary Sue Counter: 6

I rushed over and filled there goblets till they over flowed. one of them put his huge arme over my shoulders and said in rough voice how bout a kiss wench.

 

i struggled to get free of his smelly arm but wasnt strong enough, a single tear rad down my face as i remembered a time when my father had saved me frome a bully and that he wasnt here to help me cause he was on his mission, i was about to give up and hope a kiss was all he wanted, another tear ran down my face as i closed my eyes andand thought of the horror of what he would do if a kiss wasnt all he wanted, i was a vergin still, and shuddered at the thought of this pig being my first.

That was a sentence. A horrible, horrible sentence. How could she possibly be a virgin if she can't even resist a simple kiss? Why is she having flashbacks in the middle of being assaulted? How do people manage to avoid spell check so vehemently? Also, I couldn't help but notice that Emily H is conveniently helpless in this scene, despite the fact that her upbringing would indicate otherwise.

Mary Sue Counter: 7

then i heard a voice say let the girl, i swear to you ill cut off your balls if you dont let her go scum!

"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little wench? I’ll have you know I ascended to Valhalla top of my crew in the viking raids, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on villages, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in battle axe warfare and I’m the top beheader in the entire Norse armed navy. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on Midgard, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the tavern? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across Europe and your family is being targetted right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Norse gods and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable arse off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little 'clever' comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo."

the man let me go and i dropped to the ground, as i looked up seeming to be in slow motion, i saw him, the most beautyfull man i had ever seen.

Ah, conveniently helpless only to be saved by Prince Charming, even better.

Mary Sue Counter: 8

he had long currly brown hair coverd with a dark green helmit, he was varry skinny with white skin and only stood maybe 6 feet tall, ok i know 6 feet is pretty tall but in my viking town all the men are suuuper tall and built like a truck, he was like no boy i had ever seen, right away my body went numb and started to tingle all over, i had never felt this way about a boy before.

he was really really sexy.

Thanks for clarifying, I was having trouble trying to figure out how you obviously felt about him.

the viking pig who had his arm around me grunted who are you to tell a caption what to do BOY!

Oh fuck, did she waste all of her quotation marks on the title? Dammit, looks like we're in for some interesting dialogue.

leave this place and never return and ill think about sparing your life.

lying on the floor i started to get worried about the boy, he had no chance agenst the viking caption he wasnt even half the size of the massive caption.

Emily H has enacted the rule of empathy, I think he'll be fine.

he just stood there with unwavering light sky blue eyes, glaring at the caption.

I see you will not heed my warning boy, so be it ill cut your legs off and make you beg for your life coward, belloed the caption as he drew his massive sword with chains atached to the hilt.

That sounds horribly impractical, but I'll actually give it a pass. It's no chainsaw katana, but still, the rule of cool makes the chains acceptable in my eyes.

i screamed nooooooooo as the man charged at the boy. like lightning but in slow motion

So, in no way similar to lightning.

cause i was still dazed by everything that was going on the boy leaped in a upward twisting motion over the captions huge body and while in mid air drew a long slender dark

 

as night blade and with one flick halfed the captions sword, with a flawless landing had already sheitht his blade

I don't speak Norse, but I'm pretty sure he just shat a sword.

the boy comanded i saved this girls life, she new belonges to me,

Aaaaaand now he's an asshole.

if you ever touch her again it wont be your sword that i cut, it will be you.

the bafeled caption had never seen anyone fight like that before and slunk out the door as the boy walked over to me reaching out his arm twords me.

bump BuMp BUMP…

Just try saying that out loud. Then learn from the master.

my heard beat hard as i looked into his sexy blue eyes and my hand made first contact with his. as he helped me to my feet i could feel even though he was skinny he was varry strong. my legs really wobbly he said calmly lets walk outside so you can get some fresh air,

"Nevermind the fact that you were just working, or that you don't know who I am, or that fresh air probably wouldn't make much of a difference in the first place."

still to shocked frome all that had just happened he walked me outside without me responding.

So can she not talk or something?

after a fiew minutes i had calmed down and the fright and confusion had left my golded eyes and the turned back to there normal beautyfull shiny coler,

 

Magical colorful eye nonsense, definitely counting that one.

Mary Sue Counter: 9

the boy said as he looked off twords the mountins in the distance my name is

samson and you owe me one,,,

One lesson on basic English punctuation?

whats your name girl.

i timmidly replied my name is emily. well mss Emily wont you let me walk you home samson said still gaising at the mountins, as it is im quite bussy and cant be saving you all the time, best i get you back to your family so I can be on my way.

For a Prince Charming, this guy is kind of a douche canoe.

my heart skipped a beat when i told him that i had no family but my father who was off on an important mission, and that i haddent seen him in well over half a year now, i faught back a tear and swollowed back a lump in my throught.

I also have no family samson said as he turned and met my eyes, he held my chin and turned my gaze twords his deap sky blue eyes, they looked like the flowers i like to plant around my house.

That might almost be cute, if I didn't hate everything preceding it.

my body went all numb again like when i had first saw samson not even ten minutes ago. i could have slapped myself for almost being happy he had no family, but it made me smile that we had something in common. and here was the boy that i had been dreaming about my whole life a sexy boy who would keep me safe, i wished i could imbrace him forever,

 slapping animated GIF

You don't know him! All you fucking know is his name!

even though i had never met him and knew nothing about him more than his

name,

 

samson, samson, samson,

 

i said his name over and over in my head, what a strong name, just standing there with him made me feel safe.

ok so that was like chapter one i guess

Really Emily H? Do you really have to be coy about what a chapter is?

but theres some sex in the next chapter, but im a good wrighter and i swear it wont be gross, like im not a kid or anything.

No, not at all. You just think and act and write like one.

but like yeah if youll get offended you dont have to read on, ok so hope your lking it so far. part two.

we turned and started walking twords my small house at the edge of the town, i tried to walk as slow as i could so i could be with him as long as possible,

Even though he said he's a busy person with things to do, and it's clear that he considers her an inconvenience.

i didnt want him to leave i wanted to be with him forever. i started rehersing something to say to him when we finally got to my house, like maybe i could offer him something to eat, or i dunno damnit i just dont want him to leave my head raced.

I'm not a fan of this superficial romance bullshitery, but I think I'll be fine as long as they don't use the word love. And I will say that I'm actually impressed by Emily H's restraint so far, I would've expected her to be using it multiple times in every run on sentence by this point.

we got to my house after some time and my heart sunk as i studdered something tring to invite him inside but before i could get it out he put his soft lips on mine as he started to kiss me i thought i was going to

Slap him, because that's exactly what the other viking did.

melt, like i had totally never been kissed like this before, his toung dancing around mine as his hands slowely moved down my back. he picked me up off my feet and carried me inside without ever braking contact with my lips. my body was tinggling so intensly now as he layed me down on the small bed that i had been sleeping in since i was just a kid,

Aw yiss, if I child's bed doesn't turn readers on, I don't know what will.

we were making out for awhile now and i started to get wet, he was soooo damn sexy and he was all over me, pluss he was the firs boy i ever let get this far

True, in Mary Sue terms this is like fifth base. Oh, that reminds me, the rescue romance trope.

Mary Sue Counter: 10

While it might not be inherently Suey, it certainly does share some characteristics, and Idontlikeit.

so i was pretty new to it all, i placed my hands at his waist and started lifting off his shird cause it kept getting in the way of our hot make out session,

His shirt did? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Emily H has never been involved in a hot make out session, or even seen one for that matter.

he finally broke contact for the first time as i was pulling off his shirt and my golden eyes met his blue eyes, his eyes were filled with a hot burning passion, i could tell he wanted me, i had seen that look in so many other boys and viking that i had served at the tavern ii work at, but this time it was coming frome a boy i liked and that was more sexy than anything i had ever seen before i wanted to go all the way with him.

Well that's good to hear, because based on both of your antics so far, it doesn't seem like you really have a choice.

as if he had read my mind, he started to untie my the front of my dress

What the fuck kind of dress is she wearing?

exposing my perfict chest his lips went down to my neck this time as he kissed and sucked at my neck slowly moving down closer then closer then sucking on my breast my eyes glazed over in pleasure, i had never felt this good before still tesing my nipple with his toung i could feel his hand on the inside of my thie slowly moving up, i couldnt take it i felt so good my head went back and i let out a soft moan, ahhhhhhh his hand now slowley rubbing my wet spot i felt like i was floating in the sky,

I can't tell if I hate this ridiculous run on sentence, or if I admire it for the heat of the moment voice it's conveying, albeit incidentally.

we were in our own world filled with passion and love,

Did someone dare to use the word love?

 

Let me tell you why this isn't love. Anyone who's heard any of my other rants on love can skip this at their leisure, because this is the same exact thing I bitch and moan about when it comes to most romance. But since evidently it's still a problem, I'll go ahead and address it yet again.

  1. These characters know nothing about each other, they said it themselves. Love can be expressed physically, yes, but it's formed mentally. And for these two to be filled with love, they must either be remarkably shallow or remarkably stupid.
  2. Lust at first site is legitimate; love at first sight is bullcockhorseshitdonkeydildodolphindiareahhippomuckgiraffetaint. It's not a real thing, is what I'm getting at. Granted, my experience with love is atypical to say the least, but I just can't conceive the notion of being so attached to a person who you haven't shared more than an hour with.
  3. As Louis C.K. points out, we waste the shit out of our words. If you really love him less than an hour into the relationship, then what are you going to say at the very peak of it? What word could you use then that would ever trump the love you apparently felt for him in that first moment?

as i undid his belt i slipped his pants off so he was naked like me, his body was sooo warm and damnit is was the most sexy body i hade ever laied my golden eyes on.

I'm not sure exactly why, but…

Mary Sue Counter: 11

Yeah. Now here's the thing; I'm guilty of a lot of stupid shit in writing. Back when I was sixteen I wrote the epitome of a Gary Stu, I attached author's notes to every chapter, and I made grammatical mistakes left and right. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I even had a story or two featuring nearly instantaneous love. And yes, I did have a character with purple eyes. It was related to the plot, but still, it was only marginally better than the golden eyes in this story. But you know what the difference between me and Emily H is? I was rarely cocky about my writing abilities. Far from it actually; I would often criticized myself before anyone else even had the chance. So I'm not upset because Emily H is new to writing, but rather, disappointed that she doesn't acknowledge the vast room for improvement. consider this review a chance for her to open her mind a bit.

i never wanted to stop, he wispered in my ear "im coming in" the words tingled in my ear as i was happy and filled with bliss as i slid my light body up on the bed farther getting ready for him, as he got on top of me i could feel him sliding inside me, nothing had ever felt like this brfore, my arms were wrapped around him as i scratched at his back, he was so big and i was so small, my golden hair falling off the of the bed i let out a scream and a tear of bliss ran down my face, i never wanted it to end, feeling him inside me was more amazing than anything, he started going faster and i couldnt help but scream more and more, my head now hitting the headboard every time he thrusted into me.

One. Fucking. Sentence. At this point, why not just go for the record and write the entire story without using any periods at all?

i dug deaper into his back, as his movement got even harder i was having an orgasem so intense i felt like i was floating, my head started getting light, all i could hear was his low grunts and he looked at my pleasure filled face. he

pulled out and came all over my belly with a grown.

Hm, I can't tell whether or not grown is a typo there…

we were laying down togeather still naked and sweaty, he was looking into my golden eyes when he said, that was amazing, i have never had sex with anyone that was that good, i got a cold chill at the thought that i wasnt his first like he was to me, but i guess that didnt matter, all that mattered was that he was with me now.

And the fact that you now have viking AIDS. And if you thought regular AIDS was bad, then holy shit, wait 'til you experience viking AIDS.

i cuddeled up to him softly and thought to myself i had never been so happy.

a knock at the door snapped me back to the real world, i woundered who it could be as i got out of bed and wrapped a blanked around my still naked body,

Making it no longer naked.

as i opened the door i was suprized to see kalub a younger boy who i took care of sometimes when his mother and father were busy. what is it kalub you look worried.

out of breath like he had ran the whole way here he said "your fathers sh-sh-ship in pulling,, ininto the harbor, and it looks bad its on FIRE and all beat up.

Holy shit, no way! Not the fire thing, we'll get to that later. I'm just amazed that Kalub has the ability to speak in quotation marks! That's like a superpower in this story.

my face went pail as i looked out into the distanse and saw the smole rising over the tree tops, was my father okay, what had happened?!?!?!?

#AllOfMyInterrobang

ok srry to leave you guys at such a cliff hanger. O:

Oh, silly Emily H; the audience has to care about the story before it can have a proper cliffhanger.

but its more fun this way, ill put up the rest of the story tomorrow, its really long so get ready guyzz. hope you like it so far and if you dont you can just go 2 hell.

Well that's a little extreme.

no hattin yall, i put alot of work into this,

So? I put a lot of work into taking a shit after eating breakfast at Taco Bell, but you don't see me telling everyone that they have to like it.

and if you guys like it im going to try to send it in to this place and get it written into a reall book

The sad part is that she really could self publish this online, and it would be just as legitimate as the books that are actually worth reading.

i grabbed my dress and got dressed as fast as i could, samson did the same, we ran down the hill and through the town, vikings were running around and shouting "get more water"

Bitches, the boat is on the ocean, you have all of the water you could possibly want.

"put out the flames"

 

"is anyone still alive" tears ran down my as

i saw the horror that was my fathers ship, a mangled twisted wreckage, flames licked the sails and bow.

Pretty sure I know exactly how this happened.

 

i shuddered nooo as i covered my mouth and gasped,

She said no and gasped simultaneously?

 

how was the ship even still floating. that did not matter though, all i was concerned about was fiending my father. at the waters edge now samson and i could see men jumping off the wrecked ship and swimming to shore.

Wait a minute, I think I recognize two of them…

 

Oh!...ha...ha...ha….man…. that was the last time I let my waifu take me on a cruise ship.

 

Crap, now I smell like wet dog, I blame you for this Hent.

Hay! I clearly stated when you got on the ship “Fluff; if this ship for whatever reason sinks, I will use you as a life preserver.”

The desire to drown you is rising with every second. Oh hey Ray, didn’t see you there. What’s up?

The Mary Sue Counter is currently at eleven, that's what's up.

Only eleven instances of Mary Sue? This story must be the best Fanfiction ever!

No my wet friend, that title still rightfully goes to any and all ComicNix related fic.

Oh, speaking of title.

Mary Sue Counter: 12

I'm just going to preemptively add that for when she becomes a princess.

with no warning there was a loud crack and the ship broke in half and started to go under,

You see that Fluff! If I hadn't thrown you overboard, we would both be dead!

Well we’d still be dead because I’d drown you then I’d freeze to death.

And by the way, what's she on about with this "with no warning" bullshit? The ship was on fire, that's a fucking warning.

i felt so helpliss just standing there worried about my father.

Worried? These vikings are tactical geniuses, they've rendered themselves immune to enemy attacks.

 

i reckonised one of the men who had just reached the shore, he was my fathers first mate and closest friend. i ran over to where he was, still crying my eyes out. mymy father, is he alright, wheres my father i cried out. gasping for breath my fathers friend

just had a grim look on his face. WHAT HAPPENED i screamed again.

Well he’d gladly answer you if you gave him a second to answer. Also, are quotations to hard to ask for?

Yup, speaking in quotes is a very rare ability in this universe. So far only a little boy, a handful of nameless extras, and the title card have been able to do it.

Oh well at least we have the title card, all hope would be lost without quotes on that.

Fluff...I don’t think we want him to answer that question.

And why would that be, Hent?

 

...no reason...

we were on our way back when we spotted an island that wasnt on the charts and seemed to be moving twords us, we set sail twords it to check it out, when we got coler to it we could see riches beond anything we had ever seen in our lives,

 

we all ran ashore shouting out what we were going to do with our share, blinded by all the gold and treasure we didnt realize we were being watched. out of nowhere we were under attack hundreads no thousands of worriers swamped us in seconds,

 

your father was cutting the down two at a time i had never seen a braver man, he held them off so that the remaining vikings could retreat to the ship,

Have we made a football joke yet?

but the strange demond like soldgers were on the boat as well, most of us died fending them off the ship. your father stayed behind to hold them off so that we could get out,

So Hent, Fluff, you guys were going to go back for him, right?

It’s every man for themselves Ray.

I’m a lover not a fighter.

the last thing i saw of that horror island was your father slaying demonds.

my whole body was pail and shacking tears streaming down my face,

By the way, this is Emily H narrating now. If only there were some way to differentiate between speech and narration, some sort of punctuation.

“Oh Ray, why how ever do you mean,” said Fluff, confused.

my knees went weak but samson wrapped my arms around me and held me tight, the comfost of his warm embrace soothed my sole and warmed my heart.

In Norse mythology, the Bifröst is the burning rainbow bridge which connects Midgard to Asgard. And in shitty fanfiction, the comfost what Frosty would jizz if I had actually managed to find that snowman erotica.

Looks like someone just watched the Thor movie.

he just held me there as the whoe village was running around in a mad panick to figure out what had happeneda.

A village! I hope they have nicknacks! I promised Mart that I would get him a souvenir.

Oh, sorry Hent. I forgot to tell you, Mart was on the boat as well, he well...he didn’t make it.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO I USE HIS DOCTOR STATUS TO PICK UP CHICKS! I NEED HIM!

 

I’LL SAVE YOU MART!!!

 

then all went silente and my whole body felt light as a feather, my eyes changed frome there ushal golden color, one firey red and the other ash gray,

Mary Sue Counter: 13

This one is almost impressive. I already gave her a point for having moodring eyes that change color based on her emotions, but she managed to take it a step further and give herself dichromatic eyes that change color based on her emotions. This is just remarkable.

i could feel my whole body being filled with power as if i were a golden cup and the gods them selfs were pooring pure nrg into my vary sole.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’d love me a nice cold glass of nrg right now.

 

my eyes darted open as there was a dephining rore, everyone froze, not a sound could be heard but the faint eco of of what we had all just heard, i my gaze went tword samson whos hair had gone strate and gone black as the darkest night, his eyes were also blue and gray.

I’d like to point out that you’re was red and grey not blue and grey, but I’m more confused on how everyone suddenly has Heterochromia?

Maybe the narrator popped some acid before telling us the story, who knows?

what was going on?!?

They're digivolving, just give them a few minutes.

but i had no time to think, we turned to see a great king dragon diving twords the harbor,

 

Ferocious little fucker isn’t he.

wat was a king black dragon ding this far north. then,,, nothing. i could see the scared viking rushing to the catapolts to try and fend off the king dragon, as the

dragon was nearly on top of us now my whole body was raped into the air

 

flying twords the flying great dragon, i opened my mouth to scream but as i did this a great ball of golden fire bellowed out of my mouth into the smoldering sky, samson took my hand in his, and in my mind like esp i heard mih, he said to close my eyes and consintrate on Ethnobotany,

You guys! I made it back...but….BUT…..

C'mon Fluff, we got this!

The man needs mouth to mouth, Hent get over here!

Sorry Mart. No homo.

It’s not gay if he’s unconscious.

Realy?...Let me see that book.

 

Well I’ll be damned… Well here we go!

 

Well I’ll be damned Hent, I didn’t expect you to the be the one. *proceeds to unzip pants*

Well, I guess he wasn’t unconscious, sucks for you Hent.

I said. NO HOMO!!!

 

That’s the last time I will ever save someone that has a Y chromosome.

It’s your own damn fault for thinking I was unconscious.

 

Then why the fuck did I have to carry you the whole way!

… My legs were tired.

*make gif of anime person getting shot in the leg and add it in later*

i had nooooo idea what he ment!

Neither do I, ethnobotany is as unrelated to vikings as it gets. Is this part of the secret message that was hinted at in the beginning?

 

but i trusted him with my life so i did as he said and thought of Ethnobotany.

 

What does any of this shit have to do with ethnobotany?!‽

samson drew his once slender blade but it had changed, it was now pure gold and longer than 8 feet long, the hilt silver and increasted with green jems.

His sword grew, eh? Compensating for something there Samson?

i saw him fly twords the dragonand i could see how he was flying, there was a dark figure with wings like a demond and a head like a greaat green turtle carrying him through the air like an angel,

Okay, the moment you begin writing about giant, flying green turtles you know you’ve given up all the fucks you had in this story.

In that case, I'm pretty sure Stephen King gives a negative amount of fucks; he actually manages to steal fucks from the reader.

Stephen King did it the right way; this on the other hand just is saying whatever the fuck it wants.

Yeah, fair enough. Hm, maybe we're just missing something in this story, and if we knew about it, then it would all make sense. Does anyone know an ethnobotanist?

I didn’t even know an ethnobotanist existed 20 seconds ago.

Alright then, fuck it; from now on, I'm double majoring in ethnobotany and underwater basket weaving.

i turned my head only to see i was also being carried, much unlike samsons though mine had wings like a dove and and the head of a antilope with long horns of blue and gold hair.

Of course it did.

i turned just in time to see samsons attack fail as he was inglofed with flames, i screamed at the sight and fire again barreled out my mouth, i heard a vaice it was the angel talking, she said it was up to me, only i could defeat the king black dragon,

Why does the dragon have to be black?!

 

 

 

If people actually commented on our stuff, I would be very scared right now.

she said its up to you emily i can lend you my power but you must deliver the kill, take my wepon she said, and in a blind confusion i reached back and felt a chain, i took it in my hand it was a gold chain with a three prong blade on the end,

No one seems to understand that gold is actually a very soft metal and would make a terrible weapon.

No wonder it sucks so much in Minecraft.

that was glowing with red smoke and seemed to come to life in my hand, the angel swooped up in the sky and dropped my above the black dragon that was now roring and pelting boats with orange fire, as i fel twords the beast i felt no fear, my body was filled with unemaginable power and i knew what i had to do, i swung down screaming

What in the fuck did I just read?

And that's not even the entire sentence. As a whole, it's a daunting 235 words.

fire on the dragons dark neck it turned its gaze up to me as my arm swung the three prong sole stealer into its face, one prong in each eye and the third its nose, the golden chain changed frome gold to black as the dragon rored as i was stealing its sole and taking its power for my own.

Oh my god a period, I thought I wasn’t going to see it again.

 

the dragons skin and flesh burned to nothing and my soel stealer dissapeard as i floated to the ground, i couldnt hear anything over the chears of my people (THE DRAGON IS DEAD< EMILY KILLED IT) they cried.

How did they cry <?

Objection!!!

You cannot kill a Boss level monster without shouting out an attack name!

i whispered samson, oh samson where are yo,

Word.

i looked up as i saw him rising up out of the ash floating and walking twords me, his skin was burnt and chared he looked awefull, but as he floated twords me the

closer he got the more his flesh healed, then he reached out to me naked as he was, but without a scratch on his muckular body, his eyes still blue and gray.

I have no idea what I was reading, but I think the story just raped me.

i took his hand in mine and he whisked me away,

Sex Away!

 

up up up the mountian that my village was at the bottom of, we came upon a cold grassy feild and still floating above the ground he took me into his arms and started to kiss me,

This whole story has become a monstrocity of a cluterfuck, but let's go over what the plot seems to be so far.

Something about that doesn't quite seem right. Also, even if I'm not sure exactly what happened, I'm fairly certain that the Mary Sue counter needs to be raised a few notches. But, since I don't know how many, this should cover it.

Mary Sue Counter: >13

 

i could see in his eyes that my eyes were also still red and gray, i thought the power must still be lingering in our bodys, i kissed him pack passionitly, as we floated and he (un)tied my dress in the back.

 

my dress fell to the ground as he ran his warm hand down my chest to my opening and slid two fingers in. i was almost scared to let out a moan fearing i would breath fire again and burn him

The guy just got done fighting a dragon, I don’t think fire breath would do anything to him by now.

but it was to much and my head went back and i let out a soft yessss. my arms wrapped around his sexy body and down to his firm butt.

 

i could feel his hard cock pressing against my slender leg

"As part of your recent transformation, you now have a leg vagina. Use it however you see fit."

Gladly.

and i wanted him so badly. he was kissing my neck when he pulled his fingers out and started to sex me good,

 

Yes he..sure does sex you good…

 

 the power still in my body i had never felt this way before,

If she could breathe out fire, good god I’d hate to see what would happen if she came.

I fear for what happens during the blowjob.

 

 

I’m counting on it.

i wanted more, i wanted it faster, he never missed a beat, our bodys were one, my beautyfull skinny pail inosint body in perfict sink

Man. I wish she could describe herself instead of just saying beautiful.

"I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!)."

 

with his tall manly body, i ran my fingers through his again brown hair as my golden locks seemed to be in zero gravity just floating around us as we had the most magical sex known to mankind.

finished as we were i sighed as we floated softly to the ground

Wait, the entire sex scene was in midair? Okay, fuck it, that's actually awesome.

 

That beg the question. Were they doing it above the other people who were just watching?

...wouldn’t you?

 

and just layed there for what seemed like hours on end in each others arms looking at the stary sky.

I awoke to the sound of samson breathing and i had never felt so calm and peacefull in my life, then i jerked

Didn’t have enough?

upright and let out a small scream, my father, he was still missing!!(!)

Emily H, what do you think parentheses are for(?)

What does Emily H think basic writing is?

WHat do you think the H stands for?

samson got up with me as we got dressed in a hurry and ran down to my house. I opened the chess in the far corner of my small house, and proceeded to take out my light armor and putting it on, it was pure silver but light as a feather, i looked really sexy in a badass way.

Careful Emily H; the rule of sexy passes, but you're running out of artistic licenses, and I'm going to have to add this one to your tab.

Mary Sue Counter: >14

in the bottom of the chesst was a varry old sword my father had givin me when i was young, ["this sword will protect you in your time of need, its woven with emence power"] my father had told me,

[Who the fuck told you these were what you put up instead of these “”]

he had won it in a rade of the land of worlocks. it was slender like my body and there were vines with thorns ingraved along the blade, and a long red ribbion flowing off the hilt. i atached it to my belt as samson asked "what are you going to do emily" whatever I can i replied, I cant leave my father out there all alone, hes all i have left and hes always been there for me, now its my turn to save him.

Now, every rational thought would suggest that he should be long dead by this point. So obviously, he'll be waiting for them on the island, sipping a glass of lemonade atop a pile of demon baddies.

Im coming with you emily, you will need me on your jerny!

A new adventurer has joined your party!

i was happy he was coming with me, even though i had just met him

That didn’t stop you from having flying sex with him now did it?

Or from engaging in ethnobotany with him. Whatever the fuck that meant.

i felt so safe when he was around, i knew we wouldnt fail in our mision to save my father.

we were walking through the town now to samsons small boat, we looked suuuuuper BADASS togeather, my slender legs covered in silver and the ribbion on my blade flowing as we walked.

She then tripped over the ribbon and impaled herself because her armor made of precious metals didn't do shit. Samson later died of viking AIDS, and the rest of the village lived happily ever after.

everyone around up couldnt hepl but stare.

"That's them! Those are the two who were fucking over the village earlier!"

we got to samsons boat after talking to my fathers friend who gave up the location of the island, and we set sail, i was standing on the bow of the boat with the wint blowing my beautyfull golden hair as i looked twords the horizon.

It had been 3 days now and samson and i had enjoied many good nights togeather on the boat to pass the time, my cries of pleasure would carry out over the water for miles and eco back.

I was starting to get worried now though cause it had been 3 days and we still haddnt come across the island.

Shouldn't it be a good thing that Generic Cursed Island is nowhere near Generic Home Village?

No amount of logic will quell the impatience of the Mary Sue.

it was pretty hot with the sun beating down on my face all day long so i decided to go for a swim (in the nude)

Well of course.

Wait, is she saying that there's some other way to swim?

Yeah, swimming not in the nude.

Huh?

You know, with clothes on?

Blasphemy!

 

those words, is it even possible to use them in a sentence like that?

to cool off. samson smile as he watched me undress, I dove into the water head first my small body hardly even making a splash,

"I should have frozen to death, but I didn't, because—"

Mary Sue Counter: >15

I opened my eyes and looked down the visibility was good i could see maybe 100 feet down before it got to dark. the beauty was emence but i didnt feel good, i was worried about my father, what could be happining to him, was he ok...

I’m sure he’s fine

 

i wondered where he could be, would we ever fiend him.

then in the distance I coud see a figure gliding twords me, i couldnt tell what it was but it filled me with wnder and intrest, it was so beautyfull, closer now I could tell it was a deep green blanket octopussy.

 

 

The legends are true! The whole reason I went with Fluff and Martin and my waifu and Santa Christ and the Mary Sue's dad on this cruise in the first place! The octopussy; one woman, eight vaginas. Farewell everyone, I've found my place in this world.

 

I’m gonna miss him.

I have to follow him, he was the best kisser I've ever known!

 

i was frozen with wonder as it stopped right in front of me and just hovered there looking into my eyes like it was trying to comunicate with me. on impulls i closed my eyes and focused on Ethnobotany.

 

then i heard it, faint at first then clearer, he was talking to me.

Magically talks to animals, fascinating.

Mary Sue Counter: >16

he said in a great proud voice my name is Gollum,

 

i have been sent by your father to fiend you, he is in great danger and needs your help, then with my eyes closed gollum sent my a pitcure in my minde of the island and where we would fiend it,

Didn't they already have directions? Are they really going to trust the random talking octopussy more than the father's first mate?

then he said " in your time of need I will help you, all you have to do is consintrate on Ethnobotany and i will help".

"Ethnobotany (from ethnology, study of culture, and botany, study of plants) is the scientific study of the relationships that exist between peoples and plants. Ethnobotanists aim to document, describe and explain complex relationships between cultures and (uses of) plants, focusing primarily on how plants are used, managed and perceived across human societies. This includes use for food, clothing, currency, ritual, medicine, dye, construction, cosmetics and a lot more."

You just put up the entire definition of Ethnobotany and I still don’t know what the fuck it is.

Yeah, I feel like the "and a lot more" category could be a little more specific. But I checked, and the Wikipedia article doesn't address how vikings can make love in midair, or how they gain the ability to talk to sea creatures.

he turned and swam away, i couldnt breath, i had to surfac, as my head broke through the water i gasped for breath as i through my hair back, little droplits of water sparkling in the sun.

samson reached down to me and pulled me onto the boat, he said " i was worried about you, you were down there for a long time! i was painting to catch my breath

Well someone wants to be an art major.

 but i managed to explain to him wat had just happened. WOW that must mean your father is an Ethnobotanyman

 

Make that second shittiest superhero

 

and passed it on to you, you both have great power and are to be feared.

i had no idea what this ment

Join the party.

but i didnt have time to think about it, we turned the ship and set sail in the islands direction.

hours passed before the island was in site, i was so releaved when I could see it, we were almost there.

They travelled three days and a a few hours in change to get to this island, all the while knowing where it was. So, it's fair to assume that it would take roughly the same amount of time for the father's ship to return from the island to the hometown. ON FIRE. THEY SAILED FOR THREE DAYS WHILE ON FIRE.

my spirets high i just wanted the damn ship to go faster, samson must have senced my angst cause he put his arm around me and just smiled, were going to fiend

I’m seconds away from making a find/fiend counter. Don’t make me make a find/fiend counter.

your father emily hes everything is going to be A OK.

finally after waht seemed like hours but im sure was only minutes we landed on the shore line of the great island.

How did you not see a “great island” if it was just a few minutes away from you?!

there was a cliff face 1000 feet high

 

with great trees growing out of it, the trees seemed to be crying golden tears, i reached out and a leaf softly landed on my hand, i looked at it and it was made of gold, my eyes were as wide as bowls, the leaf was as light as any other normal leaf but it was made of gold

Fuck logic, fuck reality, fuck this story.

 fuck animated GIF

 and glowed even in the dark. I now knew why the viking had gotten so siced when they had first found the island, the whole island was growing treasure and rare jems right out of the ground. samson said " we souldnt take anything, we might anger the island demonds, this island isnt of this world, we will be in great danger if we let greed take over our soles."

But they're ethnobotanists; surely it would only be a matter of science if they were to examine these trees, and maybe take a sample or thirty.

i nodded and we started to treck down the beach to of sault and pepper gold and silver sand to fiend a was in the treasure jungle.

Fiend/Find counter:

Fiend - 7

Find - 0

we found a path that lead up the mountin and started the hike up,

Because the marked path is the least likely to be booby trapped.

 star wars animated GIF

nothing could hold me back, I couldnt think of anything but fiending my father.

Fiend/Find counter:

Fiend - 8

Find - 0

I didnt even notice that the trees had vines of silk and thorns of of rubys,

Clearly you did, since you're describing it.

and that even the small animals had fur of so soft it could keep you warm even on the coldest days.

So let's get this straight; you went out of your way to touch the small animals and didn't notice their softness at the time, but then you were later able to recall how extraordinary the experience was? Is that what you're telling me Emily H?

we were walking on a vary small path now with a sheir cliff face up to the left and down hundreads of feet to the left, one bad step and,,,

[AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA]

[AAAAAAAAAAA why are you still using brackets AAAAAAAAAAAAA]

my foot slipped and a began the long fall to what i was sure was my death i could see samsons faild atempt to grab me, it was to late i was gone, a tear ran down my face, i wasnt ready to die.

So I guess the whole flying thing is only when you’re having sex right?

 

i turned down and saw a pond, this was my chance, i wasnot ready to die i had to aim for the water but theres only so much you can do when falling.

Like thinking clearly, something you’ve done rarely at all throughout this entire story.

i closed my eyes and prayed i would make it, it felt like hitting a brick wall but with a great splash i darted down into the water and surfaced swimming to the land. i was soaking wet

 

but alive. i layed down on a huge uncut dimond with moss growing on it to dry off and calmb down. but the second i closed my eyes i passed out, my body had to reset to take in all that had just happened.

i awoke and slowly opened my lazy golden eyes, only to see that standing infront of me were th3 tall demonds i shot up and reached for my sword, to my shock it was gone, the tallest demond

 

Feind/find demond/demon, how many fucking counters do you want us to make!

Oh, that reminds me. Being spared by the creatures who killed others on arrival?

Mary Sue Counter: >17

sad in a dark voice 'looking for this' as he held my blade in his dirty hand and laughed, im not alone i said if you touch me samson will kill the shit out of you demond scum!![!]

??[?]

hahahahahah! is that any way to talk to your new owner, laughed the domond. he reached out and grabbed me by the shoulder and lifted me up off my feet, with his other hand he tore my armor off

Wow, that armor was even more useless than it sounded like it would be.

so that i was naked and exposed, i started to silently cry, and he grined and said dont worry, im not going to kill you.

he tossed me no my back and got on top of me, his slimy hand grabbed my breast and squeezed it hard, i could feel him pressing up on me, he started to rape me,

Rape right the fuck out of nowhere that won't scar the character but instead just serves to gain the character some sympathy points?

Mary Sue Counter: >18

tarring me open cause he was so big, i screamed, in pain but there was a little hint of pleasure in my scream as well,

She get’s pleasured even when being raped.

Mary Sue Counter: >19

Also, let's just go ahead and give this a more appropriate name.

Mary Tsundere Counter: >19

his hand still rubbing my breasts as his other hand slid up my chest to my neck and he started to choke me, my small body couldnt handly this he had been raping my for wat seemed like hours, and then i heard one of the other demonds yell and scream, blood splattered onto my face and the the tip of a dark blade came out of the demons belly and he rolled off me. samson stood over them and quickly turned and decapitated the third and last demond.

Wow, these demons suck almost as much as the vikings who lost to them.

he grabbed me up and embraced my tightly, im sooo soos o sorry emily, im so sorry i wasnt there for you..

"I promise to make up for letting you get raped. Probably by having sex with you."

Sex makes everything better.

i searched for you for hours. i have faild you as your protector. i couldnt talk i just cried, and then passed out again.

samson layed me down on a bed of moss and cleaned the blood and grime off my skin, he slowly moven his hands along my sexy comatose body

Sexy comatose body… that's it, I'm stealing another thing from Rob.

Retribution Band Name #1: Sexy Comatose Body.

Come to think of it, I actually might have stolen that one before.

 jimmy fallon animated GIF

checking for any cuts and cleaning them up with the magic water.

When was magic water ever established and why do I think it would matter if it had been?

then starting a small fire and sitting by my side trying to stay awake, but evetualy falling asleep by my side.

"And I remember all of this distinctly, despite having been completely unconscious."

then out of the dakness crept a figure quietly talking to its self, hehheh they finally fell asleep, shhh cant wake them the boy will surly run me through like he did the gundamns,

Is Gollum back?

hehheh what fine wepons ill just take these for mysewlf he snickered. (he was garth the theif, a lonely wounder who stumbled across the island and was filled with greed but the island gundams let him be for he was no harm, he was a good sole)

I’m sure you meant soul and by the title of his name I think the name Garth the Thief is the opposite of a god soul.

You'd certainly think so.

hehheh what a pretty girl you are he grinned his pearly white sharp teeth as he softly ran his hand across my breests,

Well he might not be very considerate of other people's personal space, but at least he has excellent dental hygiene.

then as quick as he came out of the darkness he was gone back into the forrest of riches.

So all he came to do was steal their supplies and cup a feel?

 

i woke up the next day clean and clothed, i could see what once was a fire smoking and samson sitting next to me, i sat up and he handed me food, i was so hungry i stuffed it all in so fast, slow down samson said, youll hurt yourself, something must have stolen our wepons last night, when i woke they were gone.

And you’re so nonchalantly dealing with it.

''what had happened last night, i couldnt remember anything'' i thought.

He just told you what happened last night, pay attention.

then it came back to me, i dropped my food and just sat there, then i remembered my father,

Is she still trying to fiend him?

Maybe he's teaching ethnobotany to the demonds.

i looked away frome samson and said, let there be no talk of what happened, it doesnt matter, right now all that matteres if fiending my father

You’re doing this on purpose and you know it.

and getting home. samson replied we dont have much time, i heard one of the demonds say there king is going to eat a powerfull viking tonight on the full blue moon to gain his power,

 

theres no doubt its your father

Oh really, it could be any Viking you don’t know.

we must hurry to the treasure island demond village and save your father. we made our way through the treasure forest to the demond village making good time,

Very good time considering they shouldn't know where it is.

finally we cleared the top of the last hill and were looking over the village, it was a small village, only the top incharge domonds were aloud to live here

How do you know this and why is it relevant to the story?

so there were only maybe 20 or so, that we counted but they were much bigger than the domonds we had ran into before, big enough to knock a house down with one strike,

So then I’m sure when you’re fighting them you’ll win none the less, and not get ripped to shreds.

Mhmm.

they had already began there chanting, there wasnt much time left, we had to act, we could see my father tied up to a poll in the center of the town. and the demonds were circled around him, what were we to DO!!?(?)

Ethnobotany or some shit.

then it came to me, GOLLUM,

 

I needed his help, samson lend me your energy, i need to call gollum the great octupuss, he will help us.

If there's any one sentence to concisely summarize how few fucks this story gives, I'm pretty sure it's that one.

we sat down and held hands, we closed our eyes and focused all our energy on Ethnobotany, we started to glow! it got super intence, out of the sky fell gollum the GREAT OCTUPUSs he was larger than a fucking moutian he was killing and tarring apart the demonds, out of the forrest came hundreads no thousands of demonds attacking gollum but nothing could hurt him he was invincable tarring flesh and crunching bowns fire was falling frome the sky all around the island, burning and hell was coming out of the ground but nothing could hurt him he killed the whole fucking island, it started to sink in to the abiss, samson grabbed me

 

Uh-uh, you can't kill and sink the entire island, then run away from the island. Order of operations, it's simple math.

and we bolted over to my father, togeather we ran to samsons boat dodging and cutting demonds the whole way, we jumped onto the boat and to our suprize garth was in there huddled down under our supplies, but we had no time, we cast off and got the hell out of there just in time.sailing off away frome that curssed island.

Really hope you guys like it, if you didnt you dont have to be a dick and poste mean things about it or me, i worked really damn hard on it!

Yes, don't be a dick, what a wonderful message. Now, let's take a look at what else emilyh96 has posted under her account.

I hate Mike!

Well Mike hates you too.

Hate letter to mike.

Well this is promising. Quite the tone shift from, "Don't be a dick and post mean things."

Mike is a stupid little BITCH, all he does is complain and play videogames, and then complain about getting shot in the back, like wtf who cares! join the real world mike.

"Yeah, join the real world of anime vikings!"

he is a dirtl player boyslut with stupid hair, he thinks hes hot shit at school cause he plays football and all the other girls like him, but i see through his crap, cus im smarter than the other girls.

You’re not smart enough to know the difference between fiend and find.

You’re never gonna let that go are you?

Never.

he makes stupid dirty jokes and thinks hes kool cause he gets slutty girls to send him naked pictures.

Fuck… Hent, they found your secret secret identity! Delete your account and run!

he thinks hes diseled and shit but hes just flabby. I really hate that jerk he makes girls trust him when he really doesnt even care about them, his friends are just as bad but hes worse, i wish i could run into him in the hallway and just take a raser and cut his stupid fucking face up into pices, cus I fricking hate mike.

I feel like that might be an overreaction. It's entirely possible that Mike is a cunt, but it seems unlikely that he's that much of a cunt.

he gets all his friends to make fun of me just cause he thinks im a bitch cause I dont like him, he makes school not fun and i hate him.

….You done?

anyway, i hate you mike! I FRICKING HOPE YOU DIE IN A FIRE OR SOMETHING EVEN WORSE!!!!!!

If you really hate Mike so much then just show him this story, he’ll happily kill himself afterwards.

Part 1 of part 2 of Emily H the viking princess

I shit you not, that is the actual title. And no, there's no part two of part two.

 

You're welcome.

Martin! You’re back from swimming with Hent, how was it?

Awesome, Hent wouldn't rest until he fucked the Octopussy, but we were attacked by the Buttshark and I had to leave the pursuit, he's still out there looking for it.

Did you at least kiss him again?

Nope.

That sucks, the hardest things to get are usually the things we want the most.

Part two of Emil H the viking princess

Speaking of things we want the most - why isn’t this over?!

we had made it, samson and i had saved my father and were now on our way home.

I feel like we are missing some much needed exposition.

She's about to explain it, grab your popcorn.

 

adrenalin was still pumping through my vains and my eyes showen a slight hint of gold in them, but I had sone it, I hugged my father so tightly and I started explaining to him all that had happened,

Like how we discovered we could fly when we wanted sex, how we found Gollum from LOTR who trasformed into a giant octopussy and killed all the demonds, and how I was raped by a domond and Samuel did nothing to stop it, it was an all around fun trip.

I tole him about samson and the dragon

Could you tell us? Because I still have no idea what that was all about?

and how we found the island and everything, I was just so happy I had my father back, then my father turned to samson 'who was trying to talk to garth

 

They brought Garth‽

Oh yeah, bring the guy that stole all your stuff and molested you while you were sleeping, great idea fellas.

but garth haddent said a word the whole time' my father called samson over and looked into his eyes "so I have you to thank for keeping my Emily safe, you have done me and my whole village a great deed and I am in your debt good sir" samson just smiled and shook my fathers hand. samson asked if he could talk to my father in private,

Well fuck, looks like Mary Sue is about to become Misses Sue.

they went below deck to talk, I woundered what they could be talking about, I had no idea and it frustrated me to no end.

garth came over and sat next to me,

“So yeah I may or may not have touched your boobs back on the island, I just wanted to mention that”

I looked over at his dirty soiled body and realized he couldnt have been much older than samson, he was tall and had sharp teeth, he stood and took off his shirt exposing his rock hard tan chest, I couldnt help but think how hot he was, he smiled at me and dove into the water.

 slow clap animated GIF

I ran over to the side of the ship and watched him swimm through the water like a fish in his cut off shotes,

Because I'm sure they had cutoffs in the 16 hundreds.

Oh, they were all the rage back then.

I was thinking about joining him in the water cause it was a hot day and the water looked so nice, but just then my father and samson came up frome below so I turned and asked what they were talking about, they both smilede at me and said we cant tell you that, its a suprize.

"Surprise! You're getting married because marriage in those days treated woman as bartering goods!"

I shot them a evil glar then smiled, I hate suprizes,

I hate how this story isn’t over.

Seriously, the ending of part one was as good as it could possibly get in this world, everything else is just an unnecessary burden.

but i guess i have to wait, i laughed and then jumped into the water with garth and we swam around and played in the water. after four days on the boat our little viking town was in sight,

"We then realized that the boat had been on fire the whole time, causing this whacky sound effect to play, and we all slapped our knees in delight."

happiness spilled out, I smiled and hugged samosn so tightly, we had made it.

we pulled into the harbor and docked samsons small ship. Martha a viking who was an old friend of mine saw us first and yelled EMILYS BACK AND SHE SAVED HER FATHER, SAMSON AND EMILY DID IT!!(?) like lightning the whole village was around us yelling and asking how we did it whta had happened, its not like I wasnt happy to see everyone, but all I wanted to do was go back to my house and be with samson and my father, my father must have senced this, he shouted its been a long week, my daughter and I are going back to our house to rest we will see you all tomorrow.

the croud made a path and we set off twords our house...

I made a small bed out of straw in the corned for garth to sleep in,

Why is he here again?

before heading to my room where samson was waiting for me.

"So, sex?"

 

I crawled into bed with him and snuggled up to his warm body, I asked him what were you and my father talking about the other day on the boat(?)

he just looked at me and smiled, I squinted my golden eyes at him playfully and he kissed me, we started making out and I reached into his shorts, he was rock hard, he pulled my dress over my small body so I was naked, he turned me over so we were in the doggy possion and he started sexing me,

Truly, this man is pure genius in the bedroom.

like a perfict song sang by elves in the clean white mountians,

 

Well I’m done eating for the rest of today.

I felt so amazing, he was so deep inside me harder and harder I climaxed like three times, I lost track of all time, as if we were in a whole diffrent dimention of perfect sex, my mones were part of the song of sex, samson like a griffen on top of me never missed a beat, he was the perfict boy for me.he finnished and pulled out, I rolled over into his armes and fell asleep to dream about being with my samson forever.

I woke up the next morning and rolled out of bed feeling amazing samson was still sleeping so i tiptoed out of the room to make my father and samson food, I was looking through the kitchen but couldnt fiend anything to make when garth came through the front door with four orange fesents

Isn't that a sign of the apocalypse?

and a small bore hung over his shoulder. I'm not much of a sleeper

Is it perhaps because you were given a bed of straw?

so last night I went out to get some game garth said with a grunt as he dropped the meat on the table. my eyes couldnt leave him, he looked so hawt carrying his catch, what a man I thought.

What a whore I thought.

he skinned and feathered the birds and bore,

The bore had feathers?

as I went out to my garden and picked some fresh friutes and vegies, together we made a feast good enough for the goddamn gods,

Is that an oxymoron?

samson was the first to come out and see what we had prepared, he yawned and smiled with eyes filled with sleep, wow babe this lookes good, I smiled my white teeth

Has that been added to the Mary Sue counter yet?

Mary Tsundere Counter: >20

 

and skipped over to my fathers door, foods ready father, I heared him grone and step onto the floor, i glided back over to the table and sat next to samson, my father burst through his door 'DAMN THAT SMELLS GOOD!!1' his eyes were filled with life, he sat down and we all started eating talking and laughing. it was heart warming, after we were done I cleaned up as my father samson and garth smoked a pipe outside on the front porch, I couldnt have been more happy. (:

And I couldn't have been more Aladeen ):(

I came outside after I was dont with my work, and asked samson if he wanted to walk through the town with me,

So there’s absolutely no plot left in this story is there? The author is just writing whatever the fuck pops in her head at this point.

he held my hand as we started down the kill to the town, everyone we passed waved and shouted hello and thanks for saving the village frome that king dragon and other praises twords me.

"Thanks for saving us from the dragon king! And for having sex above the village afterwards, that was neat too."

I felt so important. I say a beautyfull red ribbion in a store window and asked samson if he would get it for me, but before I had time to finish the shop keep said Oh Emily Anything For You My Dear and tied it in my golden hair,

Two points to the Mary Tsundere counter! One for the ribbon, and one for the fact that she got it with no effort whatsoever.

Mary Tsundere Counter: >22

I couldnt stop smiling. my life was great and everyone couldnt stop telling me how great I was, I was living in a dream and the dream loved me.

Mary Tsundere Counter: >Fuck You

MMMhhh Emily H is that you, someone said frome behind me, I turned and saw Sam and his right hand man Eric who was smoking a ciggaret and had an empty beer can in his hand.

An aluminum can? In the 16 hunreads?

Sam? I questioned. I havent seen you since grade school,

You actually just went to an island with him to save your father. Oh wrong Sam, oh well my mistake, maybe you shouldn't have two characters named Sam in your story then.

you and your whole family moved to corner stone village years ago, what brings you back here?

he grined almost angerly, Eric spit out his ciggaret 'witch wasnt even lit' and started to say were here to pun, SHUT UP sam said and knocked the can out of erics hand, sam looked at me with an annoied look as eric took out a new ciggaret out of his pocket and lit it.

I could understand Ancient Chinese better than this crap.

I heard about the dragon you killed and had to come back to see the little Emily I once knew who killed a king dragon sam said. I smiled and said yes Yes I did kill a king black dragon, I couldnt have done it without samsons help though, somson put his arm around me and glared up at Sam, what are you, a wizard or some shit?

 

Sam had a dark green earth cloke on and steller aveators on.

I could accept cutoffs, I could accept the beer can, but three strikes and you're out bitch. Martin, hack the thing.

 

No sam replied quickly and turned and walked away ERic following while eating candy. I looked at Samson sharply, why did you say that samson, that wasnt varry nice, samuel was picked on in school a lot, so much his family moved away soon after I heard both his parents were murdered and they never found out who the killer was, you shouldnt be so mean to him. samson just spit on the ground and said I dont like the way he looks, hes got a bad vibe. despret to change the subject I asked samson to come to thomas's house with me, thomas was an old man, sometims refered to as the village elder, he played the most beautyfull music.

we walked around to the edge of the village to his house and knocked on the door, he answered the door with a grim old smile and welcomed us in gently, we talked for awhile about our adventures together, then thomas asked if we would like for him to play a song.

he started playing, the music seeped into our bones and seemed to list me off the ground, samson looked deeply into my eyes and then got down on one knee, my heart stopped, out of his pocket he pulled a ring made of golden leaves twisted into a ring and on top they were holding a breathtaking golden dimond, he took a deep breath and asked me to marry him, thomas smiled as he was playing his music, i let out a small screem and hugged samson tightly saying yesyesyehhhsss!(!) yes I will. thomas congragulated us before we left and walked back to my house, samson told me that he was talking about marrying me to my father when we were on the boat the other day.

we got home and garth was balled up in the corner with no pants on asleep, and my father was reading a book in his chair.

frome that day on till we got married was just a blur of happiness and joy.

the whole village was at our wedding there were flowers and my dress was long sleved and had a hood with white fox ears on it, there wasnt ever a more magcal day in all of history, and that night was even batter. ;)

It had been a fiew months of lazy happy days, all the exitement had died down and life was good..

It was almost summer again now and the town was having the spring festivel, there were charry blossems raining down over the town and everyone was drinking and having a good time at the festivel.

this year they filled the fountian with wine and everyone was dipping there cups into it, even the kids were aloud a little taste. samson and I were sitting together telling little kids stories of our adventures when it happened.

Martha had been drinking a lot of wine and was at her kissing booth when she stood up and just started walking away with a blank face, I thought nothing of it at the time but then more people started doing the same, and more and more, till the whole town was walking away like zombies, even the children, samson and I stood and followed them, samson had his hand on his blade. whats going on I whispered to samson, he replied without taking his eyes off the people, I dont know Emily dark forces are at work. they all walked into a cave at the base of the mountians, I wondered if alchemy was at play here. we were in the cave now with what seemed to be the whole town when I heard a laugh,samson and I turned to see Sam and Eric standing uptop a rock laughing and carrying on, they must have been blazed, they didnt even see us walking over to them.

what have you done Samuel! whats going on I yelled, they quit lauging and turned to face us, Emily Samson I should have known you two wouldnt be effected by my alchemy sam scowled, eric started pulling what looked like a gun out of his jacket, but sam put out his arm to stop him, not here eric said sam.

Sam then mumbled something under his breats and there was a flash of blineding light, by the time samson and I could see again Samuel eric and alll the people had disapeared. What were we going to do!!!(?)