Review #110

Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles ) (Post 2)

Story by proudhousewife

Review by Warnuts




So Martin, give us your verdict; can we review the Bible?

 

Why would I care?

So is that a yes?

The goahead has been given!

 

 

 

 

I'll get to work on finding a version that's legible as modern prose, but still fairly true to the original.

That’s a stupid idea, just type the entire bible on docs.

I’ve got time to kill.

 

Remember to put in the part where Jesus and Hitler hook up.

Right, well in the meantime, here's another instalment of Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles.

Chapter 4, Dangerous Days Ahead!

You’re right. Christmas is a dangerous time.

 

Santa is coming after all the naughty kids.

Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize for being gone for so long-

No please, take your time.

one of my little ones came down with pneumonia,

 

so of course, my life has been nothing but doctor's appointments and chicken soup-and that's on top of all the other work a mommy has to do! I had nearly forgotten about this little story of mine

Damn, so close.

Based off of the other stories we have read; I don’t want to know what Mommy work is.

when I sat down to catch up my email and-lo and behold!-there were dozens of messages from this lovely site.

Ray!

I wish she was referring to us, but unfortunately, she was most likely talking about the site where this was originally posted.

BibleHumperWeekly.net?

Nope, although I wish that site was porn. This was first posted to the prestigious FanFiction.net, and if you want to feed the troll(?), here's the link.

Let me go get my poison!

Now, of course, there were some hateful messages

Sorry, that’s my bad.

that made me very sad, but for every review posted by an Evolutionist with a bee in his bonnet, there were three lovely private messages from other mommies out there, thanking me for doing the Lord's work.

 

Atheism may be on the rise these days, but Christians are still prevalent enough that they have no reason to be hiding. It just seems a tad bit strange that such a high number of people would use private messages for no special reason.

Wow! I know when the Lord is telling me something!

Congrats, you got three “nice” messages for your story out of 6,074 reviews, that’s a real achievement.

It’s the only way the blind are able to see the truth.

Wait, did she mean to say that there were only three nice private messages, or that there were three times as many nice private message as there were mean public comments? Either way there's some bullshitery going on, but in the interest of putting up a semi logical argument, I feel like we should get our facts straight while we're swearing our asses off and calling each other names. It's only professional.

Yeah Mart! Suck it!

Could be both, at this point in time she could of gotten one mean review and three nice reviews. I was simply referring to the fact that people who have these kinds of opinion don’t like to hear the other side of the story, and often dismiss it completely or say they are wrong. So ya, suck it Hent.

We should definitely send her a link to our page and see what she thinks. That would be priceless.

So, here is another chapter for all you mommies out there,

You Sexist bitch, what about the dads?

They’d be drunk off their ass by the 2nd chapter.

Besides, look at her username. I think between calling herself proudhousewife and going out of her way to quote Bible verses which urge gender roles, the sexism is pretty clear.

and all you non-believers spreading hatred

 

-well-let's see if you aren't converted by the time this story's over =)

 

When the delicious, filling dinner had ended, Harry wiped some last, tasty cookie crumbs from the sides of his mouth. He was very full-and very tired. Discovering the Truth, being saved, and coming to Hogwarts-it had certainly been a long day for this little one!

Harry was 11 in the book. How old is he in this story?

Well, since proudhousewife clearly hasn't read the book, I would guess that he's coincidentally as old as her favorite child.

"You look like you could use a good night's sleep," the reverend's wife commented daintily. "How would you like to move into your dormitory?"

"I would love to!" Harry cried

We know how you feel Harry, we’re crying over here as well.

cheerfully. He was so excited to become a student here; and he was so grateful for the opportunities the Lord had given him. Sometimes, people who have done without are the most grateful!

Say that to these people.

"Hermione, why don't you show our newest student to the dormitory?" Dumbledore suggested wisely.

I would make a joke about that but it was said by Dumbalydore.

 

My bad, I would make a joke about that but it was said by Dumblydore.

"I'd love to, daddy," Hermione replied obediently with an innocent, girlish smile; and got to her feet; and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming, pink frock. "Should I clean the kitchen first?"

"No you cotton headed ninny muggins, I just told you to do something else, try to listen for once."

My English may not be too good but, is that the way you use a semicolon?

Nope, not in the least. Just like ellipses, there's a specific grammatical use for them. Now, you could also argue that just like the ellipsis, the semicolon can be used to indicated a certain sort of pause or emphasis; I use them like that all the time. But proudhousewife… I just don't think she gets it.

Now all you readers out there can say that our page is actually teaching you something. Bring it up in your English classes. I’m sure it will go over well. Video tape it and send it to us.

"I can take care of that tonight," the reverend's wife

So can she get a name?

She had one in the last chapter, but apparently her entire character has been reduced to her relation to the reverend. I'm diagnosing her with rapid onset Flanderization.

answered indulgently; and she was already beginning to clear the elegant, porcelain dishes.

"Thank you, mommy!" Hermione shouted gratefully; and she walked over to Harry. "Would you please come with me?"

All right! Time to get out the good GIFs!

 

Do sexy Nickleback tunes even exist?

Do good Nickelback tunes even exist?

Either way, I'm surprised you don't hide your porn somewhere more blatant.

 

Who said I hide it? I just haven't updated my Facebook in a while.

Harry blushed shyly; and got to his feet. His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls.

Well why the fuck would she?

She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks;

Where on earth did you hear that. I am fairly certain that there is not one woman who doesn’t thank about how others see her.

 

Your argument is invalid.

A; you would probably still do her. B; She did her hair?

A; So what? B;

 

but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord;

 

 

An explanation from someone like her          

because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair.

I get the feeling that there is some genetics you just skipped.

We are all just dolls to the Lord.

 

More like this -

 

Why not this?

 

God doesn’t fuck you in the mouth.

He gives that job to the Jehovah's Witnesses.

I prefer these.  

 

I bet the male version of this is painful.

Taking care of that is important! Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.

I’ll be the judge of that.

 

I’m getting a very Cupcakesy vibe from this.

Pay no attention to the “Doctors” at work.

The two little ones stepped out into the brisk, chilly night; and for a few minutes, they were both silent. Harry did not think it was possible for this sweet, demure girl to be as nervous as he was; but going by the silence, perhaps she was a little nervous herself!

She was probably thinking to herself “what the fuck am I doing with my life”, but I’m just guessing.

After a few minutes, Hermione welcomed shyly, "Welcome to Hogwarts!

By "Welcomed shyly," surely proudhousewife meant, "Exclaimed boldly."

Boldly?

 

It is a wonderful place; and we really are so glad to have you here."

Harry's face reddened as they crossed an expansive, flowery field. They were going in the direction of a cluster of imposing, stone, academic-looking buildings. "Thank you," he muttered happily. "It is beautiful; and it feels very holy."

Haha, “holy.”

"It is," Hermione commented enthusiastically; and her chocolate-colored, carefully curled tresses were bouncing along with her steps.

I have no clue what a tresses is but bouncing I can work with.

 

"My father is a very godly man; and to spread the word of the Lord is his greatest dream."

Dream or command? Those are two very different things.

 

Nothing is more holy and true to Jesus’s vision than stabbing a guy to death for having different ideals.

"Truly, that is a noble dream," Harry responded gravely with wisdom beyond his few years.

Perhaps it would be noble if we knew anything about why he wants to spread the word of the lord. Like I said in the last instalment of this story, Yeshua had quite a few good points. But those good points have been extremely misconstrued over the years, so without any context as to Dumblydore's motivation, it's difficult to say whether it's noble or not. But based on pretty much everything proudhousewife has said, I'm going to assume that noble is about as far removed from this story as logic and empirical evidence.

They walked for a few more minutes in silence. Eventually, they reached the end of the lovely, green meadow.

"The boys' dormitory is this way," Hermione exposited knowingly;

Just imagine the state of shock proudhousewife would go into if she learned that coed floors are a thing.

and, with the innocent, casual affection so often found in children,

*Insert pedifile joke here and hope no one will yell at me for it*

*Yell at Hent for it*

*Yell at Hent for it*

*Yell at Hent for it*

*Sarcastically yell at Hent for it*

*Make fun of Hent for getting yelled at for it*

*Shut up Yellow*

she grabbed Harry's hand as she led him around the edifice of classrooms.

Seeing how this is supposed to be read to children, how the fuck are they supposed to know what edifice means?

If only proudhousewife had even the slightest fraction of this guy's sensibility.

Harry was so nervous; he could not think of anything to say. His brain fumbled for the perfect, Christian thing to say;

So you do know not everything you say has to be christianie.

Have you hear the good news?

but, before he could even manage a word, Hermione came to a stop in front of a tall, stone tower.

 

"This is the boys' dormitory," the devout young woman explained kindly; and she gestured to the heavy, oak door beside them. "I would show you inside; but I would hate to cause a scandal."

 

Fuck you Bible! You need more explicit content!

 

 

Well that makes me mad.

The Bible does say that your wife is basically your slave so if you’re into BDSM, you’re in luck.

Sorry Fluff but I treat my wifu with respect.

 

"I understand," Harry declared graciously. Too many young men these days

pressure young women into things undesired and forbidden.

Really I don’t think anyone at this school is going to try and do anything undesired and forbidden.

Certainly not in this version of the school anyways. In the canon they would've been all over that shit, and even in the fanon they'd be going at it in a much more explicit way. But here, yeah, not so much.

So is there still a point system for the different houses or is everyone just a winner like in little league baseball?

The important thing is that Team Sex Doctors always comes in first.

....

This means war you know.

Yeah, Team Sex Doctors can't just stand unrivalled! Get your guns Fluff, we're starting a team!

 

Team Fluffwrights has been created.

  ..

FIGHT!

It is the mark of a true, old-fashioned gentleman to respect the fact that every young woman is another man's future wife.

Before any feminists begins to flame, this was written by a woman.

And a christian woman at that, so no matter what you say you’re wrong.

Challenge accepted. Me + Girl = Funky Town

And we all know that it would be a dreadful, terrible sin to bring another man's wife into intimacy.

Only if you are caught.

Why does modern culture suddenly treat that as okay simply because he does not have her yet?

That doesn't even… how could… that's, that's just…

 

Ray, the moment you try to understand this story is the moment you lose.

Man's laws may permit it; but the laws of the Lord are not bound by time.

They’re not bound by logic either, but you don’t hear us whining...oh wait.

Hermione moved to push open the imposing, large door, but she struggled with the knob.

Try working the shaft. (shout out to all the british people who read this)

Make up your mind. Are you British, Japanese, or an experiment gone wrong?

Yes.

It was quite a heavy door! But Harry was a good, devout Christian now. He would not have a young, godly girl struggling to open a door which he was perfectly capable of opening himself!

Did she just play the men are stronger than women card?

Yes...yes she did.

With the simple faith so often seen in little ones, Harry got down on his knees; and lifted his hands skyward; and shouted prayerfully, "Dear Lord, please open these doors; and allow me to enter my new home!"

How about you open it yourself you lazy fuck. I can somewhat get when they asked god to get them food, but he’s right fucking there. You exerted more energy getting on your knee and shouting at the sky.

Also, I can't help but notice that all of these prayers are eerily similar to the very thing proudhousewife was trying to avoid; spells. They make a gesture, they say a thing, and then something magically happens.

   

With a loud, thunderous boom that echoed throughout the expansive, beautiful campus, the doors crashed open.

God has a boombox, now that’s something you never see everyday.

 Harry stood up piously as Hermione's jaw dropped. Now, she knew for certain that this was truly a man of the Lord!

Let it be known that to be a Christian all you have to do is get kidnaped by the church, adhere to gender roles, and make demands to the sky.

Harry was about to step inside when Hermione grabbed his arm. He blushed once more.

"Wait, Harry!" Hermione uttered quickly. "There's something you should know."

"What is it?" Harry queried questioningly.

Questioningly, as opposed to what other type of query?

"My father says that dark times are coming," Hermione spoke worriedly. "There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for.

“He’s helping the preps take over the world!”

Stop Flamen you dumb Goff.

He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely."

It is called education.

 

"But that is what our founding fathers built this nation for!"

Bitch you live in England, but I still don’t don’t think they would pass such a law.

I mean, they declared their power through the crown, which is supposed to be tied to God, so it's not completely inconsiderable.

Harry cried indignantly. "The freedom of religion!"

 laughing animated GIF

The founding fathers primarily declared themselves a country as a giant "fuck you!" to England. And I wouldn't exactly say they built the country; it was around as a landmass for just a few years before they showed up, and it already had people living on it for quite some time as well.

Ssshh, don’t speak of evolution and history here, one word of that stuff could make their head’s explode.

"Voldemort doesn't care," Hermione remarked sadly; and she shook her head. "And he is gaining power. The freedom of Christians to practice our faith is disappearing by the day.

So at this point in the story; I think this can be used appropriately.

 

“Our purpose is the total absence of purpose”

Soon, it will be like it was in Rome." Lovely, ladylike tears began to roll down her delicate, terrified face. "And I don't like lions!"

 

What the fuck? When I first read that I thought she meant like no freely worshiping god and shit, but no apparently were all going to lose everything...somehow.

And who doesn’t like lions, someone definitely hasn’t watched Lion King.

"It will be alright," Harry reassured manfully.

 

Manfully? Really? The eleven year old did something manfully? And really, is everything going to be alright? If these two sides' views are such polar opposites, then it's not going to be alright for at least one of them.

And really! The door to your home can only be opened by praying? I mean.. Really!

Doorknobs are too scientific for them.

"We will just need to pray really, really hard! That's why we're here, after all."

Why does everyone have to pray? If praying to god is so powerful, why can’t Dumblydore just pray that Voldemort not do that and boom.

George Carlin can explain it better than I ever could.

"You're so brave," Hermione pronounced admiringly; and she wiped the tears from her eyes. She flung her arms around Harry's neck. "Thank you for giving me courage!"

For Christians, this is called getting to first base.

If a hug is first base, then I don't think half the stories we review are even playing the same sport.

You are so brave! You are going to let God do all the fighting for you!

Harry patted her head before departing and entering his new home.

What is she? A fucking pet?

I wish.

It wasn't until the doors had closed behind him that he realized that he did not know where he was supposed to sleep! The tower consisted of an old, stone staircase winding up the steep, sacred walls; and there were doors leading into each bedroom off of the stairway corridor. Harry felt very lost for a moment, but a quick prayer showed him the way!

"Remember children, if you're ever lost in an unfamiliar place, don't seek an adult's help; just pray!"

As he collapsed into his bed, very tired from such an eventful day, he thought about the days that were coming. It was truly a good thing that the Lord had called him when He did!

Chapter 5, A New Friend?

 ?

Author's Note: Hello, friends!

 

I'm very sorry if this chapter is a bit shorter than usual; because just as soon as one sick little one gets better; wouldn't you know it; another one starts running a fever.

Hent! Who did you use your poison on?!

I sent a letter to her house.

 

Speaking of mysterious powders…

 

Hent, smell this.

 

So You Think You Can Dance animated GIF

One Sex Doctor down, one to go.

Ha, you forget that I'm a doctor, I'll just give him the antidote.

Hey Martin, smell this.

 

 

Now we can review in peace.

Yup, just Team Fluffwrights.

Omegacunts.

Hey Warnuts, smell—

No.

Whew! A mommy's life sure is exhausting. I wasn't planning on posting another chapter until things had settled down; but the hubby says the work of the Lord doesn't wait for the whims of men.

I wouldn't call it a whim, it's really more of a nonnegotiable illness. But apparently that's just my opinion.

So you can all thank Ephesians 5:22-24 for the speedy update =)

This one really is hilarious in a tragic sort of way.

Ooh, and on that note-some of you lovely readers have requested me to write down the Bible verses after each chapter.

About fucking time.

Well, far be it from me to not spread the Word of the Lord!

Clearly.

Another question I have gotten-in the "original books", Harry Potter and friends frequently question authority;

Really?! Because I remember quite clearly that Harry makes a fucking army for the authority.

and how do I feel about this? Well, that is quite a toughie you've asked me! I talked to the hubby about it; and we agreed that usually, it is good to obey authority; but when authority is acting contrary to the Lord; you should talk to that authority about it! Acts 5:29!

So much for explaining your bible quotes.

Don’t encourage her!

They're actually at the end of the chapter rather than with the verse. Because putting them together just wouldn't be pretension enough. This one is Peter and the apostles saying that they should obey God rather than man, which is a bit ironic considering it's Peter (a man) and the apostles (also men) who are saying this.

You just might see authority figures making bad decisions in this chapter-nobody is perfect except the Lord; no, not even Dumbledore, no matter what "the original books" told you-

I don't care whether or not he's perfect; I like Dumblydore just the way he is. Or was, before this story.

and how Harry Potter handles this will be a big question in the story.

Let me take a crazy guess; Dumblydore does something that goes against the bible, Harry realizes this despite having never read it, he prays, and then does what the almighty says rather than what Dumblydore says.

Hint: it will be very different than the "original books!"

 

I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

And finally-I got a "PM" from a lovely friend who was a bit confused;

As we all rightfully are.

so I'll just clear this up now: I do not own the "original books"; and those belong to JKR!

How could anybody have possibly been confused by the concept of fanfiction on the site fanfiction.net?

It’s the same people who think Harry Potter is teaching kids satanism.

So, without further ado-

Woah woah, no blessing?

Harry Potter woke up drowsily in a comfy, fluffy mattress.

In the mattress?

It was only now that he had the energy to observe his surroundings. The room was small but also everything a little boy needed; there was a big, warm fire place in the grey, stone wall across from him;

Is that the norm?

a shelf of intelligent, age-appropriate books-the Holy Bible was in the center of the shelf, of course!-

Of course! Because the bible is intelligent and appropriate for all ages!

They just need to ignore all the murder, calls for murder, rape, pillaging, and slavery.

So basically all of the old testament, and the good parts of the new testament.

Basically

and there was a simple, wood dresser of respectable, school-appropriate attire; and of course a clean, porcelain sink for washing up and brushing teeth and such.

It was only then that our hero noticed that there was another bed in the room. It was the same as his own bed; except that this other bed had not been made.

 Gasp -  all of my gasp

Also, this bed had its own Bible in it; and it looked different from the one on the shelf. But where was this new roommate of his?

Harry looked behind him to see a small, pallid young boy with shockingly bright red hair kneeling with seeming piety as he prayed to a small statue.

Worshipping false idols?

 

At this shocking sight, Harry felt a horror; but he quickly composed himself; and declared bravely, "Hello, friend!

Well that's awfully presumptuous of him.

My name is Harry Potter; and I take it that we are roommates. What's your name?"

"Ronald Weasley," the other boy responded friendlily;

There's actually a word for that proudhousewife, and not just one that you pulled out of your ass. It's amiably, and you used it earlier.

and he reached out a hand to shake. "Welcome to Hogwarts. I am a Christian, too."

 

"Really?" Harry exclaimed delightedly; and clasped his hands together. "This is joyous news!"

Dude I don’t think that anyone at your school won't be a christian.

Ronald smiled deviously; and Harry remembered that he had just seen this boy praying to a statue; and he wondered why that would be; but he was new to this whole Christianity thing; and maybe that was okay. Still, it didn't feel quite right.

"The rigid patriarchal system on the other hand, that just felt reasonable."

He bravely resolved to would bring it up with Dumbledore.

"Would you like to come with me to breakfast?" Ronald queried politely; as he got up from the statue he had been kneeling in front of. "They have delicious food here in the Great Hall."

"Would I ever!" Harry cried delightedly;

“Golly Gee Wilikers!” said stereotypical 90s kid.

 and he bolted out of bed; and brushed his teeth; and washed his face.

"Anytime now Harry," Ron said impatiently, smoking a drugs and fist bumping satan.

This little one certainly had a healthy appetite!

In a jiffy, Harry and his new friend had joined the stream of young lads on the steep, winding stairs heading to breakfast. They could smell the aroma of breakfast from the Great Hall; and it wafted right into their noses!

Well no shit the smell went into their noses. If it didn't, it wouldn't be a smell.

Before they knew it, they were all sitting in the Great Hall.

"Come sit with me and my family," Ronald offered eagerly; and he motioned frantically toward a table packed full of people with hair just as red as his. "Come on come on come on; I can't wait for them to see that I have made a new friend!"

These two know fuck all about each other, yet they already call each other friends. I gotta admit, that's actually a very realistic depiction of children, well done proudhousewife.

Probably the only realistic part in this entire fic.

Harry followed Ronald with the obedience of one who does not have many friends in a new situation.

That… actually isn't a terrible notion either. It's phrased in a clunky way, but as far as the point goes, it's not bad. Shit, there must be something wrong with me, I need a doctor.

Well I’m the best you got for right now.

Doctor, lieutenant, what's the difference? Do your worst.

 

This will only be a pinch, I’m giving you a dose of fukitol, it should help.

When did you become Asian, and female?

You know, there’s some questions you just don’t ask Warnuts.

Oh, what a difficult circumstance that can be-and how many believers have been led astray by those situations!

What is with you and making Christians out to be the most victimized people in the world? You people fucking run the world!

"Guys, guys, guys!" Ronald screeched joyously as he pulled Harry toward the table of his family. "This is Harry Potter; and he is my new roommate."

"Hello, Harry!" the Weasleys chorused in unison. "Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"

"H-hello," Harry stammered shyly. Something about this group made him nervous.

Just don’t drink the koolaid and you’ll be fine.

"Nice to meet you."

He sat down at their table. He could smell a delicious breakfast-but where was the food?

Gee, could the food appear exactly like it did last time?

No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when the Reverend Dumbledore came onto the Great Hall's stage; and dropped down to his knees; and raised his hands skyward; and screamed, "Dear Lord, please provide these devout young ones with three strips of bacon or links of sausage each-two for the ladies-a bowl of hardy oatmeal flavored with cinnamon and apple chunks; two poached eggs cooked all the way through; home fries seasoned with garlic; a glass each of orange juice and milk; and dishes up to the task."

A; stop being so demanding of god. B; I love how the girls get less bacon. C; how could they smell the food if god hadn’t even made it yet.

D; Why does Dumblydore have to be so specific, couldn't he trust God's judgement? E; if only the devout young ones are getting food, then won't Ron's pagan rituals become pretty clear when food doesn't magically appear in front of him? F; I just wanted to get to F so I can say fuck this story.

Harry was once again amazed to see the food appear in front of him.

Almost like fucking magic.

The food looked and smelled amazing. He suspected good old Minerva had something to do with this delicious spread!

But we already established that it was God and maybe Dumblydore and I'll just shut up and stop trying to make this make sense.

But before he dug into the food; he remembered that he had something to discuss with the reverend. Harry fought his nervousness; and he ran after Dumbledore as he hopped dexterously off of the stage.

"Excuse me!" the young believer cried innocently as he ran after the reverend as fast as his little legs could carry him. "Excuse me, reverend!"

"What is it, son?" the reverend reiterated kindly. He was dressed respectably in sturdy, manly jeans and a red, white; and blue plaid shirt over which a few virile tresses were visible; and a pair of admirable, brown cowboy boots.

 

"Are you settling in alright?"

"I sure am," Harry retorted graciously. "How are things with your family?"

Almost the equivalent of…

"Very well," replied Dumbledore knowledgeably; and he was impressed with this little one's manners. "Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Well," Harry began uncomfortably; and he scuffed his blue-sneakered foot against the polished wood floor of the Great Hall. "I woke up this morning and saw my roommate praying to a statue. Is that really an okay thing to do?"

"That is a real toughie," Dumbledore answered ponderously.

“I guess you’re just gonna have a new roommate, oh don’t worry about the old one, he’ll be...taken care of”

 "Well, I don't worship idols. It is, in fact, a very un-Christian thing to do. But you see, here at Hogwarts, we divide ourselves up into Sorting Hats. After breakfast, all the new little ones will choose their Hats. Each of the different Hats have different beliefs; but we all love the Lord! And what more in common do you need?"

So what you’re telling me is that these kids are stuck to a religion based off what hat they pick… What kind of fucked up system is that?

Yeah, that's almost as fucked up as kids being socialized into a religion based on their parents' beliefs. Almost.

"That does sound true," Harry pondered sensitively. "But is it really? It seems that, if we all really love the Lord, we don't need to divide ourselves.

Are the divisions between the different Hats really so significant as to merit dividing Christianity? What are these divisions?"

Great question, let’s see what the “reverend” has to say.

"Well, they are somewhat significant," Dumbledore allowed tentatively. "For instance, I am a Gryffindor Hat. We believe everything in the Bible; and only the Bible. That redheaded roommate of yours is a Slytherin Hat."

You put Ron Weasley in Slytherin….YOU PUT RON WEASLEY ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS OF THE BOOK IN SLYTHERIN!

 

Okay, now I’m convinced you have not read a chapter of the original books. You probably never even touched the book before. Why.did.you.write.this!

"And Slytherins worship statues?" Harry queried innocently.

The reverend nodded gravely.

"Then how are they Christian?" Harry questioned skeptically. "What about Exodus 20:4-6? That's a ten commandment!"

"After all, he was new to the whole Christianity thing. But he memorized the verses by name and understood their meaning and he held strong opinions on how to implement them accordingly. But other than that, totally new."

"Well, they have different commandments," Dumbledore explained well-meaningly. "They love the Lord; and that is all we need."

So is proudhousewife ever going to explain what religion Slytherin is supposed to be equivalent to?

Why would she start now?

"But do they really love the Lord?" Harry posited timidly. "If they do; then why do they worship statues?"

"Dark days are coming," Dumbledore replied earnestly.

And your telling him this because...

Because Jesus.

 "We need to be inclusive. If there were only Gryffindor Hats at Hogwarts; then there would not be many people left."

How much passive aggression can proudhousewife shove into this story for her kids?

"I see," Harry conceded uncertainly as he walked back to Ronald's overcrowded table. He was getting nervous about this Hat business; but he supposed he did have to trust Dumbledore. After all, grownups know best, right?

Or do they‽

Author's Note – Blessings!

Oh thank god we finally got our blessings.

Chapter 6, Sorting Hats!

 

Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize to people who's private messages I haven't been able to reply to; but things are awful busy here in Fort Parsons; and a mommy's work is never done! Many thanks to those lovely friends who have asked about the little ones. It looks like the second sickie did not have pneumonia after all; and it was just the flu. It was a rough few days; but now all the little Parsonses are in tip-top shape. Phew!

 

Harry Potter walked back to the table of redheads.

Okay this redhead stuff is starting to get racist.

I don’t think gingers are a race.

It was only now that he noticed that they were all wearing black and green baseball caps with snakes on them.

Now I may not have read the bible, yet, but I’m pretty sure snakes are the devil.

Pretty much, yeah. Again, proudhousewife, maybe you could ease off of the passive aggressiveness just a little bit. Try to be more subtle about it if nothing else; your starting to sound like Ņoo̴̷̢r̶҉̛͜͜t҉̧͠͠h͞͏̨ BEST KOREA ! ! !

Tentatively, Harry sat down next to Ronald; who was not wearing a hat; since he, like Harry, was new.

"So," Harry began nervously; and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon. "What Sorting Hat do you think you will chose?"

A; swallow your goddamned food before you talk. B; the fuck did Harry just ask?

"Oh, I will definitely choose Slytherin," Ronald declared confidently;

 

I get the feeling I’m gonna be punching a lot of walls this review.

and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands. "My whole family is Slytherins." He gestured to the countless redheads sitting at the table;

So care to explain why Ron is a pig?

and they all turned to Harry and smiled and waved. "You should become a Slytherin, too! We could do it together!"

Heh, do it. It's funny, because an orgy involving young children might actually improve the story at this point.

"Hm," Harry uttered ponderously; and he took a bite of eggs. "Why don't you tell me about what Slytherins believe?"

"Why don't you stop talking with food in your mouth you little shit?"

"Sure!" Ronald replied ecstatically; and he kept eating his oatmeal. "Well, first of all, we believe in the Bible."

"That is wonderful!" Harry reacted happily; and he took a sip of his orange juice. "I do as well. Perhaps I could be a Slytherin after all?"

"But wait-that is not all!" Ronald continued excitedly;

You also get a brand new car!

and washed his oatmeal down with milk. "Gryffindor Hats believe in the Bible, too. But Slytherins have even more. We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do."

So you made the Ten Commandments longer and have a bossier pastor, got it.

Harry furrowed his innocent, childish brow; and he took another bite of oatmeal; and he questioned confusedly, "Why do you need all that if you have the Bible?"

*The bible which was originally written/transcribed by mortal men, translated into English by other mortal men, and printed and distributed by mortal men.

Ronald guffawed; and he shoveled more oatmeal into his mouth; and he replied, "Why only have the Bible when you can have more? Why, that would be like only praying to God!"

Harry gasped in horror as he bit into more bacon.

How do you do both of those actions simultaneously? Second question, why do you still have bacon.

"Of course I only pray to God! Who else would I pray to?"

"What about Mary?" Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. "You have to at least worship to her!"

Question one; why the fuck does Ron insist on worshipping Mary? Question two; why the fuck does Harry insist on not worshipping Mary?

"You mean the mommy of Our Lord?" Harry demanded in scandal; and he chewed his bacon. "I don't worship her?"

BLASPHEMY!!!

"Well, then, God hates you!"

Spoken like a true Christian.

Ron stated simply; and pieces of bacon flew out of his mouth as he did so.

Harry was tentative; since he was new to this whole Christianity thing; but he did not think God would hate him for not worshipping His mommy.

Wouldn’t she be his baby mama?

On the contrary: he had a hunch that God wanted people to only worship Him.

He’s a selfish prick like that.

"Don't listen to him," commented a drowsy voice self-righteously from behind Harry.

Harry turned around; and he saw a girl about his own age. Her pale yellow hair was tied into braids; and she wore a tie-dye shirt and faded jeans and flowers in her hair. "Peace" signs and donkey patches were sewn all over her clothes.

Mother of god, a hippie

 

"That's right, Warnuts hasn't seen my bandana and technicolor bellbottom pants yet," said Ray's internal monologue.

"You should not become a Slytherin Hat," the girl continued confidently; and she was eating what looked like it was supposed to be bacon; but it did not smell or taste like bacon.

Wait, how do you know what it tastes like? What did you eat all of your bacon and still hers?

Yeah Harry, be more considerate, she only got two to begin with.

It missed that smokey, meaty taste that bacon is supposed to have. Instead, it tasted like vegetables blended together and died red. Yuck! Harry would take real bacon over that any day of the week.

Hey proudhousewife, you like bible verses? Here are a few for you to mull over; Leviticus 11:7-8, Isaiah 66:17, Leviticus 11:1-47, Deuteronomy 14:8. Basically, they all give a very direct message to not eat pork, which would include bacon. Though you won't believe this; there's a contradiction in the bible! Gasp! There seem to be just as many verses which declare all food acceptable, which I can only assume includes human babies. So I know what I'm making for dinner.

"They are far too strict."

Harry hmmed skeptically. He was not sure about this whole Slytherin business; but the word "strict" was not what came to mind!

Really it wouldn’t, “We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do." Yeah they’re way to fucking lenient.

"You should become a Hufflepuff Hat," the girl instructed arrogantly; and continued to nibble at her breakfast. "That's what I'm going to do."

You know, this is really kicking the cool scene with the talking hat straight in the balls.

"What do Hufflepuff Hats believe in?" Harry pondered aloud; and he took a bite of his real bacon. Oh, how he wanted to find the true Hat!

Perhaps he could look to the stars; to the cosmos.

"Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; but only some of it," Luna explained casually; and she was still feeding on that stuff. "We don't believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism; but we really like Matthew 7:1; and that's about it. We're really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us!"

Fuck, looks like I’m a Hufflepuff.

Count me in too.

The hippies, the gay happy lifestyle, the whatever this is… yeah, count me in too.

That was when a derisive laugh echoed through the cafeteria. A smug-looking young man about Harry's age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna's and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.

"Please, ignore this fool," Draco drawled smugly.

So is Harry psychic? Because he some how knows a bunch of stuff no one has told him.

I'm just grateful that Draco isn't the gothic god of sex appeal in this story.

"Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman; and women are stupid."

Really just really, you’re now going to play the sex card. After you blatantly said “It was quite a heavy door! But Harry was a good, devout Christian now. He would not have a young, godly girl struggling to open a door which he was perfectly capable of opening himself!”

Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!

"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"

   

Draco gasped tentatively. "You are diluting the truth! Women are beneath men!"

This is a woman writing this right...to her children?

Yes, yes it is.

This went from being funny to just being sad.

"No, I'm not!" Harry fired back bravely. "You are twisting the truth so you can be mean with it!

SAYS THE MOST PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WRITER WE'VE EVER REVIEWED.

Women are not beneath men! Men and women are just different!"

Luna smiled at him gratefully.

Really because most women at this point would be pretty pissed.

She's a hippy man, hippies are awesome.

Draco was clearly fumbling for ground here-there is not much ground to stand on when you are being hateful!-but he finally came up with, "Well, at least I don't eat with Slytherin Hats! I hate Slytherins!"

Spoken like a true Slytherin.

Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal.

"I don't hate Slytherin Hats!" Harry declared boldly. "I think they should become Gryffindor Hats; but that is because I love them!

OR LET THEM FUCKING THINK FOR THERE GOD DAMN SELF!

Besides, the Lord ate with sinners all the time!"

He did, and it was a great gesture for many reasons, but I have the utmost confidence that proudhousewife would be able to turn it into some bitter comment on people who don't share her exact views.

"Thank you, Harry," Ronald whispered tearfully.

"Well-well-you should just become a Ravenclaw Hat, like me,"

I’m pretty sure that proudhousewife only put darco in this story because he’s in the canon. Which is stupid seeing how he acts totally different...AND SAYS HE HATES THE HOUSE HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE IN, FUCK! HELL YOU’VE ALREADY FUCKED EVERYTHING ELSE UP I DON’T THINK GETTING RID OF COUPLE CHARACTERS WOULD MAKE THAT BIG OF A DIFFERENCE!

Draco sputtered blusteringly. "We really are the best Hat."

"I think you mean, 'We really are the most hateful hat,'" Harry corrected cleverly;

 

 and then he jumped up onto the table; and he got down on his knees; and he raised his hands to the ceiling of the Great Hall; and he bellowed, "Dear Lord, I have made my decision! I am a GRYFFINDOR HAT!"

‘God than spoke to harry “I don’t give a shit.”

"Yeah fucknuts, wait your turn for the sorting hats, just like everyone else. What, you think you're special? Piss off."

Author's Note: Blessings!

Matthew 7:1 – Judge not, that ye not be judged.

 

 

Ah, Hent, I see you recovered. I'm sure there will never be any repercussions for this whatsoever.

Where’s Hinata?

 

Found her.

I had to fucking ask...Rest in Peace Naruto 1999 - 2014

You will be missed.

And Team Fluffwrights will regret the day they crossed Team Sex Doctors…