I wish for a story with characterless characters, a plotless plot, and sexless sex.
Hi, my name is Charlie and this is the story of a friend of mine, Ken.
And already, I'm perplexed as to why Charlie is our narrator. He plays next to no part in this story, to the point where if he weren't in it, nothing would seem missing. He has no definitive character traits, no goals he's especially committed to, and he doesn't even influence the main characters all that much. Not to mention, Charlie tells us about scenes he wasn't even in, giving him even less reason to be the one telling this story. Basically, this is the equivalent of Star Wars being narrated by this guy.
Ken is happily married, in his 40s but very athletic, quite the family man. Recently Mandy came to work for our company and she is a real fox, long legs, blonde hair, and cute firm breasts, she was about 28.
Hold on, let me do some math here. Lead male character plus lead female character, subtract the age difference, multiply by attractiveness, which all equals… wow, only 352 words before Ken and Mandy are fucking.
We knew she had broken up with her long time fiancé just over 6 months ago and I and all the other single guys had hit on her, but no luck!
No luck? Weird, it's almost like she needs some time to herself.
I asked family man Ken about her and he said, "I'd give my left nut to screw her as long as Jill didn't find out."
Ken, did you even read the title of this story?
Jill was his wife.
Well as it happens we had a conference coming up and would be away for a few nights, Ken was going as was myself and 1 other guy, Dave but at the last minute Dave got sick, Mandy was asked to go in his place as she was experienced in the new product we were reviewing.
Congratulations Dave, you've taken the narrator's spot as the most useless character, putting you right about…
The first night all three of us sat around the table at dinner and were very polite, we found out that Mandy was even more upset about her break up than I had first realized and it became clear, even though she did not directly say it, that she had not had sex since and it was over 6 months!
Pff, that's nothing, I once went fourteen(ish) years without sex. And, because I'm essentially a poetic celibate, there's a good chance I'll break that record in…
Thirteen years and three months.
She left us together and went to bed.
Of course as soon as she left the topic of conversation turned to screwing her,
Ken was willing to leave her open to me, he was married and loved his wife, but I thought better of it on the first night.
Yeah, because it's basically up to Ken and Charlie; why should Mandy have a say in this?
I also reminded Ken "he'd give his left nut to screw her." Ken just laughed it off.
Seriously Ken, how are you not seeing this?
However later on that night there was a knock on Ken's door, he opened it, and Mandy was there and almost in tears. Ken asked her what the problem was and she said she was crying because of her break up and she knew he would care and he was married, all the other guys only wanted one thing from her as far as she could tell (guess what? She was right!).
I would be more aggravated by the blatant male stupidity in these last few sentences, if it weren't for the next few.
Ken calmed her down and she said she would like to thank him but Ken said it was OK. Mandy dropped her robe and she was stunningly naked.
Here's the thing. All of the guys in this story are painted as shallow, sex driven beasts; every single one of them wants to screw Mandy, they talk about it constantly, and the married man would even give his left nut to get with her. And, since we don't know shit about Mandy as a person, we can just assume it's all because of her only discernable trait; her looks. So yeah, the dudes in this story are superficial, and I hate it.
So is Mandy, to an extent. She alluded to emotional involvement, but as we'll see shortly, this is really all about the sex. The shallow, superficial sex. Don't get me wrong; making all of the characters shitty people doesn't completely fix this. Everyone in this story is just a hollow outline of what a character should be, and even the outlines aren't flattering. It's still a disaster, but it's not about gender anymore, so at least it's a somewhat mitigated disaster.
Kens eyes nearly popped out of their socket, his cock must have gotten hard almost immediately. Mandy knelt in front of him and pulled his cock through his pajamas and started sucking, Ken said no and wanted her to stop but Mandy said she knew there would be no ties with Ken, she knew he loved his wife and that it would be just sex.
I don't follow. Like, at all. It may seem like a strange thing to be fixated on, but still, that last sentence has me oddly fascinated. Let's take another look so I can explain what I mean.
Mandy knelt in front of him and pulled his cock through his pajamas and started sucking,
And immediately we have a problem. It would take Mandy at least fifteen seconds to do all of that, and that's a generously low estimate. During those fifteen seconds, when she's naked and very clear on her intentions, Ken has plenty of time to recognize what's happening and put a stop to it. Instead, she has his dick in her mouth before he can say a thing. So, what happens next?
Ken said no and wanted her to stop
Fair enough Ken, better late than never. And what does Mandy do?
but Mandy said she knew there would be no ties with Ken, she knew he loved his wife and that it would be just sex.
Why, she rapes him of course, what else would she do? But even ignoring the clear lack of consent, what kind of logic is that? There is absolutely nothing to say that Ken wouldn't develope feelings for Mandy. So anyways, there you have it; the worst sentence in the story. In fact… one more time.
Mandy knelt in front of him and pulled his cock through his pajamas and started sucking,
Is Mandy so proficient at sucking dick that she can start the moment she gets her hands on one? Contrary to popular belief I'm not a felatio aficienado, but it seems like she's a bit hasty there, especially considering it's been a few months for her.
Ken said no and wanted her to stop
He said no, which does show a clear lack of consent, and still makes Mandy quite rude in this situation. But there's another problem here; he actually doesn't want her to stop at all. That might not be clear yet, but as I'm sure you could guess, Ken and Mandy are about to go a whole lot further, and his protests will end in the very next sentence. So why even bother with this tsundere bullshit if it's not actually going anywhere? If I wanted to laugh at tsundere, I would just go here.
but Mandy said she knew there would be no ties with Ken,
They're on a business trip; I bet Ken has a shitload of ties in his suitcase.
she knew he loved his wife and that it would be just sex.
Or maybe not, because we've seen nothing that shows Ken loves his wife in the first place; almost every time Jill has been mentioned, it's been related to Ken fantasizing about cheating on her.
Truth be told, I could probably rewind this sentence a third time and still have plenty more to nitpick, but we're not even halfway through this story.
After a while, they moved over to the bed and Ken lay down, Mandy on top sucking him, Ken eating her pussy.
Here's a tip for erotica writers; spend more than one sentence on each position. Writing sex is like writing any other action intensive scene, in that it's about more than the mechanical movements; it's about the emotions/tensions/circumstances/[insert literally anything interesting or worthwhile] behind the mechanical movements.
Mandy was soon cumming, she screamed loudly but kept sucking for all she was worth,
She can scream and suck at the same time? I'm just going to go ahead and press this.
Ken couldn't hold back any more and he shot his load into her mouth. Wow!
This was the best oral sex in years!
It was, huh? Well perhaps if you could give us a clue as to why, then I might be more inclined to believe you.
Mandy stayed a while, long enough to make sure Ken got hard again, she wanted to get laid, she confirmed she hadn't had sex in 6 months and her pussy was burning because of it, Ken obliged and was soon pumping into her, her pussy was tight and wet, it didn't take much to make her cum.
Did everyone see that? In case you missed it, let me point it out; in one sentence, the characters stopped having sex, had a conversation, started having sex again, and then reached another climax. I can't wait for the next sentence, where Ken and Mandy will invent a new sex position, go to sleep, get breakfast, elope in Nova Scotia, fist a donkey, and have sex with each other again. Well, hold on…
My bad, that actually has to be two sentences. Donkey fisting is serious business.
She got on all fours on the bed and Ken took her from behind and she came some more, this was the best sex Mandy had ever had!
Then I dread the thought of how sparsely her typical encounter would be described.
Finally, she led back on the bed, exhausted, and Ken pumped a few more times into her pussy filling her with his load. Wow!
This was the best sex Ken had had in ages.
Mandy went back to her room a little later and the next day I could tell something had happened by the way that they looked at each other.
I would think that you narrating the entire event might also be a good hint.
"You sly dog" I said to Ken but of course he denied everything.
The next night I kept watch on the corridor and saw Mandy go into Ken's room,
He just waited out there in the hallway, and she didn't notice him? For those of you who have never been in a hallway, allow me to explain it real quick.
And that's about it; a hallway is a rectangle. +125 internets to whoever can explain to me how one person could hide from another person while both of them are within the rectangle. Also, I'm posting a +300 internets bounty on the writer of this story, for not explaining this in the first place.
"Lucky bastard!" I thought! After all, I was as good looking as him and looking for it! He was not even trying!
Mandy had Ken lie on the bed and gave him a long, slow blowjob, taking his dick all the way down to his balls in her mouth and making sure he was deep in her throat when he came.
Meanwhile the narrator is watching from the hallway, because logic works however it wants to in this story.
Mandy swallowed every drop! Kens wife still gave him a blowjob occasionally but never like that.
They had a glass of wine, Mandy was able to suck Ken back up again, and she wanted him to fuck her hard.
Ken willingly did so, taking her from behind, thrusting in as hard as he could. From outside the room I could her Mandy screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!".
"And from those three yesses, I was able to discern these one sentence descriptions of the positions they were in."
Listening to that, I went back to my room to take care of my cock, which had grown hard listening to them!
Finally, Ken came in Mandy's pussy, filling her with his creamy hot cum.
And I just assume the narrator is still watching from his room.
The next day I told Ken I had seen Mandy go to his room and that is when he told me everything, I had been friends with him for years so he knew I would not tell anyone, least of all Jill.
"He knew I wouldn't tell anyone, so I wrote everything down and put it on the internet, because fuck Ken."
We got back to the office and Mandy was true to her word, she did not want a relationship with Ken, he was not interested in anything with her and they got on fine.
"Nothing was accomplished by this story. The end."
Jill never knew and asked about the conference. She was a little concerned when she found out Mandy went instead of Dave but thought if anything had happened, it would have been with me.
Why the fuckshitbotherhell would she think that and still be worried about Mandy going instead of Dave?
This would have been the end of the story except for Ken saying he would give his left nut to sleep with Mandy.
Our building has some marble steps leading up to the doorway with a handrail in the middle of the steps.
This set of stairs has been described better than over half of the characters.
On the Friday, after we came back from the conference, it had been raining and the steps were slippery, Ken had a pile of papers he was taking home to review for the weekend, but when he got to the steps, he slipped and went down several steps on his back before straddling the bar that held up the handrail.
He was taken to hospital as he was in pain; we thought he had injured his back. Jill met me there. However, they x-rayed his back and it was bruised so he would be sore for a while but no damage there, but…
Get that ellipsis shit out of here, that's only for omissions and legitimate pauses.
Where he had slid down the steps and straddled the pole he had crushed his left nut so it was a gooey mushy bloody mess and he was in agony!
I have to think they would have noticed that before the x-ray.
He had to have his left nut removed. I did not say anything to Jill. After all, he still had one good nut, but when he came back to work, I could not resist reminding him what he said.
So be careful what you say, it just may come true!
I would eat an entire peanut butter and jelly sandwich to make /r/TheRetributionists a default subreddit.