Review #106

Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles ) (Post 1)

Story by proudhousewife

Review by Warnuts




Well I figured I'm going to hell for calling myself god, so I figured why not piss off the big man upstairs some more. So without further adu, Blessings


 

Hey buddies! What are we doing today?

 

Warnuts wants to review the bible. While we consult our PR team, also known as Martin, we're going to review a story Fluff found instead.

Lets do it!

 

Chapter 1

Author's Note: Hello, friends!

Heya.

My name is Grace Ann.

Of course it is.

I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing

I’m already pissing myself with fear.

; but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books;

Oh my Fonz it can reproduce.

Oh we’re totally fucked.

Sounds good to me.

and of course I'm happy for them to be reading; but I don't want them turning into witches!

Mother of diddly, she's literally Ned Flanders.

I would be more afraid of the children turning British.

I would be even more afraid of people actually taking this shit seriously.

So I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly?

So she’s one of those religious nuts.

 

I think someone beat you to it.

And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem?

 So-Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! So, without further ado-

 

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive

I find that offensive! You are talking about Harry Potters privates!

with his aunt and uncle. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores; but he felt that there was something missing in his life.

Correct me if I’m wrong  but I don’t think that’s how the book starts, that’s how the movie starts.

Actually the movie starts with this.

 

Looks like the start to a very Christian-friendly movie to me.

Something big and special; but he could not quite name it.

Well, let's take a look at the chart.

 

From what I know about Harry Potter's pre wizarding years, I believe he's missing safety and everything above it. So yeah, that is something quite big.

Sir. That chart is out of date. This is the new one.

 

I will see your hierarchy of needs and raise you another.

 

Fun fact, I've transcended this pyramid according to over half of US states.

He stayed up every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door-and everything changed.

"Answer the door, Harry!" his Aunt Petunia, a career woman,

 

Yeah, career woman...

Slut.

 barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up.

She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup.

 

Let’s go with both.

Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven.

This last sentence confuses me. It might not be completely black and white yet, but the writer, proudhousewife, is very clearly painting Petunia and Vernon as the bad guys. That's fair enough; them being unpleasant is actually somewhat canon, so well done. But why the brownies? Wouldn't most children reading this think of brownies as a good thing regardless of who's making them?

Brownies have a whole new meaning here in college. And yes, only good things come from them.

Shouldn't you be doing that? Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away. He turned the brass, metal doorknob;

Fact of the day: Brass is a type of metal.

 

 and pulled open the heavy, wooden door.

On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard;

So just going to skip the whole acceptance letters… Okay.

Chain mail is the Devil's work!

and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick,

God this sounds so familiar.

unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair.

Red plaid, leather boots, hairy chest; are we sure this isn't a lumberjack we're dealing with here?

No it’s something worse, a Ebony-Foxyline crossbreed.

He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T.

Oh my God it’s Mr. T!

Well since this is a Christian fanfic, I guess he’s Mr. t

Just looking at Harry feel happy, peaceful somehow; but he couldn't say why!

"Good morning, kiddo," the man greeted amiably; and smiled at Harry. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust.

"He had those features that you can trust without actually knowing anything about his character, you know, like a liar would have."

Features you can trust?

 

"My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mommy and daddy?"

"I don't have a mommy or daddy," Harry replied sadly;

Gee you would think a school of wizards would know about that.

And I don’t remember Harry Potter acting like a 5 year old in the books.

and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue.

#1. Learn how to use a semicolon properly.

#2. Are his shoes so important that they just had to be brought up, no matter what the cost?

Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely, he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing-a mommy and daddy.

Yes actually, if we refer back to the original chart—

But no, that was not quite right.

 

Wait a second Ray! We are looking at this all wrong! What would Sigmund Freud Say in this situation?

Ah, a fantastic point Hent. Freud would undoubtedly inhale a pile of cocaine and tell us that proudhousewife spoke correctly. It isn't quite right that Harry just longs for his parents; it's that Harry longs to have sex with his parents, but can't because they aren't there, and so he must instead allow seven inches of the holy spirit fill the hole they left.

 

"I am so sorry to hear that!" Hagrid uttered empathetically.

"You can speak with my auntie and uncle," Harry retorted politely;

Hey Ray isn’t retort usually used in an argument?

Pretty much, yeah. Certainly something that would be hard to do politely.

and blinked his big, blue, childlike eyes.

"What do you want?" Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit.

"Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved,"

Oh shit he’s a Jehovah's witness quick shut the door!

Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat.

Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots. "Saved? Don't tell me you are you one of those Christians?"

And here’s where the fanfic does a nosedive off Fuck Mountain.

Why do I get the strangest feeling that by the time we finish this I’m going to have burned down the nearest church?

Hey, I'll have you know I'm a saint. So, you know, if you want the keys to the back door then I can probably hook you up.

I will gladly take the keys to the back door.

Harry did not know what that word meant; but Hagrid's smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen.

Next we find out Hagrid is a priest and wants Harry to become an altar boy and takes him to his church’s happy room...and I’m just gonna shoot myself now.

It's not like we've never taken jokes further. Hell, I can't even remember where the line is anymore, we've crossed it so many times that it's all worn out by this point.

A year of reviewing this shit can do that I guess.

It made Harry feel warm and happy inside

Well shit I think Fluff was right.

Problem is, I wish I wasn’t.

just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger's face. He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile like that...

"Yes, I am," Hagrid replied kindly. "Are you?"

Hold on. What happened to the other kid that lived with them? The Aunt and Uncles’ kid?

Aunt Petunia laughed again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. "We are too smart for that. Haven't you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?"

Actually, yes; proudhousewife explaining the views of Dawkins sounds hilarious.

You see, she should have said they were Scientologist.

"What is a Christian?"

 

Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time.

"Christians are people who want to be good,"

HAHAHAHAHAHA, oh that is fucking hilarious. Here’s a small list

Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. "We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?"

Didn't we already go over this?

 

Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

"Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God."

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays.

What does birthdays have to do with religion?

Well you see, children are born when a man and a woman go forth and multiply in the missionary position for the purpose of procreation. Atheists can only reproduce through mitosis, meaning they don't technically have birthdays.

I didn’t expect you to answer me...

Wait...Thats what sex is used for?!?! What the hell have I been doing all this time!

 Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things."

So is this Dorkisum just all other religions shittily mashed togather.

A textbook on evolution? You have a completed Pokedex?

Hagrid laughed wisely. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?"

SAYS THE CHRISTIAN! Oh the hypocrosy.

"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched.

Was Christian Hagrid really expecting any other answer?

"Well then prove it!"

Gladly.

Bill Nye! Christians lose.

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion.

Guys, I think if we all facepalm at the exact same time, we can compensate for everything wrong with this sentence.

It’s worth a try. On three! 1….2…..3!

 

 

 

 

It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

Us.

"Tell me how to get to this heaven place!"

Just apologies for all of your sins on your deathbed.

 

Or just start climbing.

Harry cried wistfully,

As opposed to crying sparingly?

clasping his hands together. Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones is really amazing. We think we grownups know it all; but then God speaks through the mouths of little ones;

 

Or God is just socially shy.

and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility.

"All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved?"

From this fanfic yes!

I’m good.

 

"I do, I do!" Harry squealed, jumping up and down.

"Then pray the sinner's prayer!"

Our Lady, who art in North High School.

We pray that you are happy with your creation.

We pray that you are happy with yourself.

We pray that like you we will strive to save the world by overloading it with fun in your name.

May you be guided in your infinite eccentricity by your friends.

We pray to the aliens.

May the Data Overmind protect you with its infinite knowledge.

We pray to the time travellers.

May they let us know of what is to come and how to make it even better.

We pray to the espers.

May they protect us from the destruction of the Celestials and from Closed Spaces.

We pray to the rest of humanity.

Let us share in our fun, for making you happy makes us happy.

Please remembers us in our prays.

Domo arigato.

Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Harry's pure, innocent, holy energy. Soon, Harry had said the prayer.

I am confuse. Before this he didn't even know religion existed, yet he knew that particular prayer.

Hagrid beamed happily.

"You're a Christian now, Harry!" Hagrid cried proudly.

I suddenly felt a great disturbance in the force. It’s as if millions of childhoods suddenly cried out in terror and suddenly silenced.

Don’t you have to dunk his head in water first?

Harry smiled but then interrogated,

Well shit, I guess Harry's the one dunking Hagrid's head in water.

"But how do I be a Christian? I don't know how!"

Hagrid grinned widely. "There is only one place to learn that-Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"

Because a church is to mainstream.

Author's Note: SO what do you all think?

I think my first class ticket to Hell was well worth that prostitutes life.

I personally think this story needs a little more Hitler.

Sweet Zombie Jesus do our running jokes go back a long time.

I may not be a professional writer; but I think I am being given the talent to pull this off in service of a greater mission =)

 

Blessings!

- Grace Ann

Chapter 2, New Horizons

Author's Note: Hello, friends! I have been getting so many lovely, thankful messages from mommies everywhere;

You are the reason childhood sucked.

and I just want to say-thank you all for your encouragement! However; I have also been getting several messages saying that my story is bad because Harry Potter is not just about witches;

There is also warlocks, slavery, oppression, genocide, and racism!

 it is also about friendship and kindness and bravery.

Or that.

 Friends: this is exactly what I have been saying! Harry Potter has many good things about it; but it still has witchcraft; so my children cannot read it.

But can they watch the movies?

Or think critically for themselves?

BUT that is why I am writing this! So they can have all the adventure and good morals of the Harry Potter books without all that bad stuff that is bogging it down.

No Grace, it’s you that’s bogging it down. And I gotta say, Christianity must not have big stones down there if the simplest thing like a book about wizards makes it threatened.

I can’t believe I’m about to say this but… My Immortal was closer to the canon than this.

 I mean, Matthew 3:12, am I right?!

After extensive research, I have concluded that this verse barely has anything to do with Harry Potter, witches, or writing. It's just a verse explaining that sinners will burn, which is covered in plenty of other verses. In fact, why not; since we're on the subject of quoting random verses, here's my favorite section. "If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity."

This is why I’m a pastafarian.

Haruhiism for me.

So, without further ado-on to chapter two =)

You know, this story would be completely different if you replaced the word peace for penis.

 

While I was at it, I also replaced Christian with slut.

"Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles?" Harry queried; and clasped his hands. Just at hearing that name, he felt such a sense of inner penis. He wanted to have more of that penis; and he wanted to learn how to be a good slut-he was starting to think that penis and being a good slut were in fact the exact same thing! "I want to go there!"

Oh we definitely went there, and it was beautiful.

Hagrid beamed widely. He had been praying so hard to save a soul today; and he was so happy to have saved the soul of such a sweet, earnest little one. The poor boy, being raised by two parents who were not sluts;

Thats almost a compliment.

and who both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long.

Explain to me how that’s a bad thing.

 It was a good thing Hagrid had got here in time. Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist!

Do you now see why people hate christians?

"Don't be silly, Harry," Aunt Petunia commanded; and wrung her long, bony hands. "Come back inside; I will read to you about Evolution from the Dawkins.

OH MY GOD! THE GUY SHE IS RIPPING ON IS Richard Dawkins. Richard Dawkins is the guy that coined the word meme! We can not let this go unheard! Death to proudhousewife!

You do not need that silly religion."

Harry scrunched up his innocent little face; and thought very hard. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were as close to parents as he had; and this was the only home he knew. Could he really leave? But-he was saved now.

Semicolons and dashes—;;:-learn how to use both of them.

He had prayed the Sinner's Prayer. He could not stay here not anymore not with what he knew now. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do.

"No, Aunt Petunia," he uttered calmly with childlike wisdom.

So in other words, no wisdom.

Basically

"Evolution is not real.

 

Anything else you would like me to disprove?

And I am going to Hogwarts."

"No, no, Harry," Aunt Petunia screeched desperately. "I have an idea. You can have a second birthday today. You like birthdays, right?"

there’s your problem, you should have offered him breakfast.

I gotta say, I do enjoy our references. Readers, if you're ever confused about why we said something, there's a simple solution; just reread every review we've ever posted, it's as simple as that.

Or ask us to explain it in the comments section. It’s there for a reason.

"Birthdays are not of God," Harry verbalized knowingly; and looked at his aunt with an innocent wisdom. "You tried to corrupt me; but it did not work.

How dare you corrupt this poor boy with facts and things that can easily be proven!

Now you’re just corrupted by different kind of bullshit.

But I forgive you, Aunt Petunia; because of Luke 23:34."

So by  saying some prayers you’re now a master of the bible.

Apparently. The quote Harry referenced is from Jesus, who said, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." Now I will say that this is quite the poetic quote, and it really does speak to the values Yeshua (The historical figure Jesus was modeled after) would have advocated.

 

So it really is a shame that proudhousewife has completely twisted the magnanimous meaning of the quote and turned it into her own spiteful bullshitery.

The great power of Christianity.

Hagrid was amazed once again at the wisdom of little ones.

God she sounds like she’s Tenenbaum from Bioshock 2

He did not know if he could forgive someone who had hurt him as much as this woman had hurt little Harry.

How? He was about to get a second birthday cake!

Also isn’t the point of Christianity to forgive all?

Not exactly. That was Yeshua's point, but for at least the last several centuries, Christianity as an institution has been more about economics and social dominance.

Deny him the truth? Who could be so cruel? But Harry did not even think twice about it. He forgave-just like that! Truly, Hagrid gained a new understanding of Matthew 19:14 that day.

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'" Again, in the right context I wouldn't hate this quote at all, but this story makes it difficult to like anything it references.

"Do not leave, Harry!" Dudley wailed childishly.

Oh, hello completely unestablished character, I didn't even realize you were there.

I asked about you earlier! Why didn’t you speak up!

"I must," Harry said; and stepped over the threshold. "Goodbye, Dursleys. I hope you are saved too one day."

What a dick. As a Christian, it is your duty to force your teachings down there throats!

And with that, he and Hagrid began to walk down Private Drive.

Don't you mean Privet Drive? You know, the name of the street which you actually spelled correctly earlier?

"How will we get to this school, Hagrid?" Harry queried curiously.

"We will pray," Hagrid retorted knowledgeably.

It will be a Christmas miracle!

"How do we do that?" Harry solicited inquisitively.

 

Didn’t you just learn how to do it?

"Watch," Hagrid said; and then got down on his knees on the road.

So has Hagrid basically abducted a small child at this point?

He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too. Hagrid raised his hands to the heavens; and cried out in a deep, thunderous voice, "Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts!"

 

And so, there prayer was answered.

Harry felt himself being whisked away; and in a moment, he was sitting in the cool, damp grass outside a humongous, beautiful castle. He looked in awe at the tall towers and the gray stones. What a beautiful place!

A tall, thin man with a long, pointed beard and big, wire spectacles stood in front of Harry.

 Mother of god

 

It’s Dumballydor!

Silly Warnuts. Thats Captain Aisen.

Silly Hentai Man. Dumblydore is everyone.

He was wearing a brown, tweed suit and a nice, matching hat. His shoes were made of leather and polished until they shone. He had a smile much like Hagrid's smile. So penisful, Harry just knew he could trust him!

 

Good call with the peace-penis switch Fluff, that was brilliant. Actually, has anyone seen Fluff lately?

….no

 

A lovely, kindly young woman with flowing blonde hair and a pleasant, heart-shaped face stood beside this holy man.

"Hello, there, little one," the man greeted amicably. "I am the Reverend Albus Dumbledore,

If Dumblydore is a reverend now, then I can make up titles for myself too. In fact, I have, and I outrank is glorious beard of nonsense.

At least he has a beard.

 

 

and this is my wife, Minerva.

First of all that's not canon, but given the circumstances, that's the least of our worries. The bizarre part is that under typical circumstances, reverends are sworn to celibacy, meaning they can't marry. There are plenty of exceptions, but it just seems odd that proudhousewife would go against anything regarding the church.

Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"

Author's Note: Blessings!

Gazuntite.

Chapter 3, Dinnertime!

Author's Note: Hello, friends! I have struggled a lot about whether or not to keep going with this story; but, with a lot of praying, my husband and I have decided it is the right thing to do. We want our little ones to have good, slut literature to read;

 

Still funny!

and in this modern world, sometimes, that can be hard to come by!

Believe me, slut literature is incredibly easy to come by. As proof, I cite /r/TheRetributionists.

Or just read 50 Shades of Gray.

Or anything in my browser history.

So I will just have to make do =)

"Pleased to meet you, Reverend Dumbledore," Harry replied enthusiastically; and got to his feet. "This sure is a beautiful place you have here!"

The Reverend beamed. "Why thank you, little one!" His voice had a distinctive southern twang to it that made Harry feel so safe and welcome.

 

Hogwarts isn't in Scotland anymore, is it?

Since when has the south been a know as safe?

If you're a straight, white, God fearing male, it's been safe since Jesus created America two hundred years ago.

I now see the error of my ways.

He knew in that moment that the Reverend was a man of God.

 

"This poor little one was being raised in a terrible situation," Hagrid declared concernedly. "He was watched by a babysitter every second of the day. His aunt saw him as part of her perfect life package. Like the big house, the fancy career, the speedy car."

Damn her for wanting nice things and getting a job to pay for them? I'd also like to point out that the only time we actually saw his aunt and uncle, they were in fact at home with Harry.

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "Too bad no one told her: parenting should be about the children. Not the parents. That is why it is called parenting!"

Hagrid nodded wisely.

...did that make sense? I don’t think that made sense.

Dumbledore turned to Harry and announced authoritatively, "Now, you can start your classes tomorrow morning. Today, you can get settled into your dormitory. But first, why don't you eat dinner with my family and me?"

"Really?" Harry gasped excitedly. "I've never had a family dinner before!"

 

He celebrated birthdays with his family. What do you do at a birthday? You eat cake. When do you eat birthday cake? Right after birthday dinner.

"Why don't you come with us, then!" Dumbledore cried kindly; and then got down on his knees. Everyone else did the same. Raising his large, massive, manly hands up to the heavens, Dumbledore bellowed in a voice even louder than Hagrid's had been, "Lord, please take us to the kitchen!"

He's awfully demanding of the lord, isn't he?

Suddenly, they all found themselves in a tasteful, decorated kitchen!

 

Hell is still sounding way better.

"Wow!" Harry shouted in awe. He was still getting used to the power of prayer!

Same here. I've seen a lot of people pray, and never once has one of them done anything so blatantly magical as a result.

Sometimes, we take the wonderful things the Lord gives us for granted; and it takes a newcomer to the fold for us to understand just how blessed we are! "That was amazing!"

Hagrid smiled knowingly. "God is an amazing guy."

I'm officially merging headcanons; this story now takes place in the same universe as Wolfblood Lineage, meaning that Hagrid smoked eight pounds of marijuana before saying that.

"He sure is," the reverend's wife chuckled, before getting down to her knees

It’s about fucking time! I can finally start making sex jokes.

 and raising her own hands upwards. "Dear Lord, please set the table with the sky-blue cloth and the Sunday dishes,

You lazy fuck, get off knees and set the table yourself.

 

Thanks Hent.

It wasn’t for you. I can’t make any good sex jokes in this story!

and please give us biscuits fried golden brown and gravy, creamy mashed potatoes, my great aunt Eleanor's corn casserole, corn on the cob slathered with butter, and for dessert, some chocolate raspberry cookies."

Okay correct me if I’m wrong again, but I don’t think God is saposed to help you with the little things like setting tables and making food

You are correct, but still, I would appreciate it if He could intervene on this story and fix the punctuation.

Geez cut me some slack. I can’t do miracles, that’s only in hockey games.

All of these things appeared on the table exactly as the reverend's wife had asked for them, masterfully prepared and delicious-smelling. Harry's mouth dropped open. Truly, this woman was a real Proverbs 31 wife!

And truly, Proverbs 31 is hilarious.

 

"Hermione!" The reverend summoned loudly. "Dinnertime!"

Immediately, and with cheerful obedience, an eleven-year-old girl in a pretty, pink dress with a matching bow came running down the stairs. She ran over to her father; and gave him the winning smile that daughters have.

 

"Welcome home, daddy!" She smiled, and then turned to his wife. "Can I help at all with dinner, mommy?"

"No you dumb little shit, dinner appeared out of nowhere thanks to God, just like it does every night. Why would you even ask?"

"It is all prepared, thanks be to God," her mother retorted gracefully. Hermione nodded knowingly.

"Hermione, I would like you to meet Harry Potter, our newest student at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles," Dumbledore introduced magnanimously.

In what way is that introduction magnanimous? Here's Wikipedia's definition.

Magnanimity (derived from the Latin roots magna great, and animus, mind, literally means greatly generous) is the virtue of being great of mind and heart. It encompasses, usually, a refusal to be petty, a willingness to face danger, and actions for noble purposes.

In other words, magnanimity is the antithesis of this story. proudhousewife is writing this story out of petty spite for a series of books which causes no more harm than any other fantasy tale. She is completely unwilling to face the perceived danger of her children being exposed to these books, instead reworking them into a veritable minefield of moral anvils. From her perspective it could be argued that writing this was a noble effort, but even so, that's failed on quite a few levels.

Ray have a Snickers.

 

Better?

 supernatural animated GIF

Much. proudhousewife, I doubt the verisimilitude of the purported magnanimity of the aforementioned social stratificational hierarchy promoting discourse on the grounds of a predilectory duplicity

 

 Must….control...anger... brought it….upon myself….must not...slap..Ray….

…which serves to advocate the idiosyncratic interpretations of the contemporary interpretations of the renaissance interpretations of the archaic paragons of disreputable fabulists accompanied by the concurrent dismissal of the coequal quintessence of alternative ideologies—

Fuck it.

 

"Harry, I would like you to meet Hermione Granger, my beloved daughter."

"Pleased to meet you," Hermione responded sweetly, with an shy grin.

Why did you make Hermione, undoubtedly the smartest in the group, into this shy pussy?

Shy can be sexy too my friend.

Harry could barely respond. This was the most beautiful young woman he had ever come across. So different from all the girls in public school; who were focused on trying to be like the career women they saw on The Sex and the City.

No kids his age ever watched Sex and the City. Hell not even adults watched that show.

Not even I would watch that show!

That’s saying something.

This little one was the picture of innocence and godliness.

So in other words, she’s the embodiment of god?

No no no. She “was”. Past tense.

Mother of God, she’s Satin!

"Now," Dumbledore pronounced genially, "let's eat!"

As the holy men, women, and little ones dug into the delicious manna

Mana? I thought she didn’t want any magic in this story!

There’s two ns there buddy.

I see no problem. *Google search manna*......

 

the Lord had granted them; the conversation amongst the adults turned to darker topics. Harry listened intently; and he did not understand it; but he was very interested.

"You hear that children who I'm forcing this upon? The kids in this book are very interested; don't you want to be like them?"

"Dark days are coming," Hagrid pronounced gravely around a mouthful of casserole. "Evil forces are coming into this world; and the little ones at Hogwarts may be our last resort!"

"Psalm 127:5," Dumbledore referenced solemnly,

Man. It sure is nice of you to make a reference that everyone needs to look up except maybe the Pope.

I don’t think this story was written for four non-christians.

I think it was! This entire story was written to convert people!

Well seeing how badly it was written, I’m pretty sure it converted some christians to athies.

and the others around the table nodded knowingly. Hogwarts might be the last hope for the forces of good in this world!

Or you could let people believe what they want,just sayin.

Author's Note: Blessings!