Review #104

I Need You

Story by Cindy henriquez

Review by Ray




As those of you who have read the sidebar know, this subreddit was inspired by Rob Bricken's Fan Fiction Friday. Here's another fun fact; the first Fan Fiction Friday I read was Alvin and the Chipmunks erotica. Well, I figured there had to be more bad 'munk smut out there, and as it turns out, I figured right.


I Need You

It was the first day of eighth grade,

A work of erotica that starts on the first day of eighth grade?

 

I mean, think about this; not only could it be worse, but it has been worse. In Cub Training Institute, adults took advantage of infants, some of whom were only a few months old. Hell, in The Other Story one of the leading characters wasn't even born yet. So even if this starts in eighth grade, at least it's featuring characters who are on the cusp of being sexually mature, and who are at least mildly capable of making their own decisions.

Alvin had many girlfriends before, like 7.

 

Does it really matter? Does that change the rest of the story in any way?

He wondered he find the perfect girl, and hoping that girl would come to him.

 

So, Alvin was Sleeping peacefully... Until... Alvin! Wake up! It's time to go to school!'' ,Yelled Dave from downstairs.

I think you meant to write, "Yelled Dave from inside the narration."

''Can't I just miss one day!'' he asked and shouted. NO, YOU NEED PERFECT ATTENDANCE, NOW GET UP!'' Shouted Dave.'' Fine, I'll get up,'' he said to himself.

Oh good," it's going to be one of those stories that doesn't have a goddamn clue how" quotes "work.

He took a shower, got dressed, ate breakfast, and Dave drove them to school. ''Oh, yeah I'm so excited for algebra and Calculus!'' Excitedly yelled Simon. see you, boys! Waved Dave.

I don't even… something about that was wrong, I'm just not quite sure what. Did his wave literally say that phrase, or was it implied? Does it deserve quotes? Wouldn't the quotes be used wrong anyways?

 

Simon was at class, and Theodore was in The bathroom, while Alvin was by his Locker. He was putting his books in his locker, and getting ready to go to Ms. Hudgen's Class for Math class. He was a little messy and lazy that day. Until…

 

The ellipsis has many purposes, and that doesn't fit any of them. Nothing is being omitted, I know that because this story is full of arbitrary details as it is. There's no need for a pause in speech, because the narrator is speaking, not a character. And this doesn't deserve to be a dramatic pause in general, because no definitive action was being performed to warrant one.

 

Three Young Female Chipettes

 

walked in There was Brittany Miller, The oldest, And Jeanette Miller, and the Youngest was Eleanor Miller. ''Okay, so I get Math Class first.''said Brittany. What do you have Jean? asked Ellie. ''I Have Language arts''. So, they went to their lockers... Alvin was still waiting. Then Brittany passes by, and Alvin notices. Alvin bumps into her.

But he'd already noticed, so he must have bumped into her deliberately. Well played Alvin, well played.

Brittany accidentally drops her books.

And the narrator accidentally drops into the present tense.

'' hey! Watch it!'' Brittany exclaimed .'' Sorry,'' he apologized. as he picked her books. '' Hi, my name is Alvin Seville,'' he added. ''I'm Brittany Miller, The leader of the Chipettes.'' as she shooked hands with him.

 

So that certainly wasn't the worst story that's been reviewed around here, but it was nothing worth praising either.

 

This story had two comments, let's take a look at them.

Simonseville3: Please please please continue!

ticcitoby57: are you going to continue the story?

 

Hent and I really need to get working on that yuri erotica; once we become literary prostitutes, the internet won't be able to resist our subreddit. But in the meantime, Cindy Henriquez has in fact continued the story, so let's take a look at the follow up.

I Need You: The Story

Yes; that's the actual title.

 

p style="text-align: center;"

 

Cindy, I think what you were really looking for is, ".body {display: none;}"

They were 16 Years old.

Considering chipmunks only live to be about three, I'm going to assume they're both ghosts at this point.

And Alvin decided that he would try it with her for the very first Time.'' Please, Brittany! I want to fuck you!

Subtle Alvin, real subtle.

I need you! Please!'' Alvin Pleased and Begged To Brittany, His wife. ''No, Alvin! We both agreed that we'd wait a little longer!'' She Talked back.

Wait a little longer for what? First of all, they're married. Second, even by human standards, sex is quite possible at sixteen. She has a choice of course, but as far as reasonable arguments go, I'm kind of on Alvin's side here; at least he said please.

Alvin Made The puppy/Dog eyes ''Ugh! Fine!'' Brittany Admitted as Alvin took off Brittany's pink and white dotted dress.

 

He touched her breasts

 

Yes, her non existent breasts.

as she started to moan'' Woah...'' Brittany Moaned Very loudly. Alvin started sucking her Pink nipples. Then he took all of his clothes

Which really shouldn't be a huge deal, since they're already animals. Socialized and personified animals, but animals all the same.

and Brittany stared at his penis, She Started To lick the tip very smoothly. Alvin moaned...'' Oh, Britt, Aaah! Suck It Hard''. He inserted his dick in Her ass.

"Suck my dick with your ass Brittany! Don't make me give you the puppy eyes again!"

 ''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh!She screamed.'' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!'' She Moaned.

Either that is one hell of a moan, or Cindy doesn't know what moaning is. I know which option my money's on.

He went in and out.

 

Well, it's anal, so I guess there actually might be.

They maDe Love. WOOH!'' They sighed. Thanks for reading this!

No problem narrator, it's always a pleasure.

Bye!

 

/p

So out of curiosity, what do the comments look like on this one?

Boop: PORQUÉ?!