Review #103

Clifford's Dog Years

Story by Bluewolfbat

Review by Ray




Now I have to say, the description of this story really grabbed my attention, so let's take a look.

We all know Clifford as "Clifford the Big Red Dog", but have you ever wondered what Clifford's adventures would have been like if he had only grown to the size of a regular dog?

No. Niet, nein, non, ne, and every other no in every other language.

 

Clifford is big, that's his only interesting character trait. He's already a pathetic excuse of a protagonist, but if you take away his size, he becomes nothing. I divert further explanation to Louis CK.

Join Clifford and his friends in these One-Shot adventures, and find out.

Your one shot is three chapters long, something doesn't quite add up. Anyways, enough about that, let's get to the story.

Chapter 1, Clifford Grows

On second thought, fuck the story.

 

I have some questions about the title of this chapter. We already know that Clifford is going to be a regular sized dog in this epic tale, so why in the name of his noodley appendages is the first chapter called Clifford Grows? And more importantly, why did somebody capable of spelling and capitalizing properly decide to write Clifford fanfiction? That alone is more disturbing than Cupcakes, Sonic in the Mood, and The Other Story all rolled into one.

* This is my first "Clifford the Big Red Dog" Fanfiction story.

Well I'm sorry to hear your life has come to that.

I only own the ideas for the story. Also, this story takes place before Clifford, Emily Elizabeth, and the family moved to Birdwell Island, and is based on the TV series.

So basically, this story is about a red dog. Did it even have to be fanfiction? Change it to a green dog and I promise that nobody would call you out on ripping off the oh so iconic personality of Clifford, which is sure to shine through in this three chapter long one off.

"Clifford the Big Red Dog" belongs to PBS Kids and Scholastic Books. All Rights Reserved.*

If only the right to remain silent was an obligation.

Far away in a big city, Clifford the little red puppy was lying on the couch in the family room. His owner Emily Elizabeth and her parents were also in the house doing chores.

Hold onto your seats everyone! With fast paced action and chilling drama like this, anything could happen!

Clifford loved everyone, especially Emily. In fact, the more Emily loved Clifford, the more he grew.

Son of a bitch, is this really going to be another bestiality smut review?

A few days later,

Because the story sure as fuck couldn't just start off a few days later. Oh no no, this story just wouldn't be complete without the riveting chore scene.

Clifford was no longer a little red puppy; instead, he was the size of a good medium sized dog. After that, Clifford didn't grow as fast. Now he would only how a little bit, or stayed the same size each day.

Congratulations story, you've reached the peak of mediocrity. You're not outright terrible, but you sure aren't anything interesting.

Clifford was happy to live with his family, but also enjoyed having friends too. Sadly, Clifford knew that he was already bigger than his friends from his puppy days.

 

Now he is big? Or at least, moderately bigger than the other dogs? Writer, you've yet to present a single interesting concept, but at least stick with one.

Actually, it made Clifford wonder what his friends would think if they saw him now. Clifford needed to find some friends that weren't too small, but not too big either.

Does size really matter that much? Do we learn after all these years that Clifford is a prejudiced motherfucker?

But who would those friends be?

"Clifford! Come on! We're going for a walk!" Emily said, calling him over.

"Clifford, stop trying to get a plot started and go do more mindless bullshit!"

Clifford's tail wagged as he walked up to the Emily and let her put his leash on him. Soon, Emily, Emily's mom, and Clifford all walked out the door, and into the fresh air.

The first chapter is out of the way, and I think most readers would agree that it should've been a paragraph long at the most. But hey, let's give the second chapter a shot, maybe it'll get better from here.

Chapter 2, Friends in the Park

Chapter 2: Friends in the Park

As Emily, her mom and Clifford walked around town, Clifford was enjoying all of the sights and smells.

 

I see, I see, we now have a setting, this is a good start.

Suddenly, Clifford saw Nina and her dachshund Jorge hanging out in the park.

 

Mhmm, and some characters, this is quite the development.

Luckily, Emily Elizabeth and her mom saw them too and they walked over towards the park.

 

Fantastic, an interaction; this might actually have the potential to be interesting.

While Nina talked with Emily and her mom, Clifford talked to Jorge.

 

Sure, why not. Now can something even mildly worthwhile happen? Pretty please?

"Hi Jorge. How are you?" Clifford greeted kindly.

 

Jorge, any response?

"Hello Clifford, it's been so long since I saw you as a puppy. Glad to see you too!" Jorge replied with a smile.

 

It's not worth it; it's not worth being invested in this story, even sarcastically.

Suddenly, two kittens ran over to the two dogs and stopped in front of them.

"Hi Clifford!" The two kittens said. It turns out the kittens were Flo and Zo, Clifford's kitten friends.

Good, more pleasantry and no conflict, that's the balance every story should strive for. Now allow me to roll my eyes so far back into my skull that I can actually see the brain cells I'm losing while reading this.

"Hi Flo and Zo. Nice to see you again," Clifford responded before Jorge greeted the kittens too.

"Hey Clifford, look who's coming to see us!" Joge said as he looked up. The kittens and Clifford looked up too as a familiar green bird landed next to them.

Hey writer!

 

Finish the characters on your plate before you open a new one!

"Hello Clifford. Hello Jorge. Hello Flo and Zo," the green bird said kindly.

"Hello Norville," the four friends replied with smiles on their faces.

"So Clifford, how are you?" Norville asked.

"I'm doing good. Thank on Norvile," Clifford replied.

 

I'll quote Tom Servo here and just say, "I think we're at the point where something's got to happen."

"You're welcome, Clifford. Besides, it looks like I can't call you 'pup' or 'little red' anymore!" Norville commented.

 

Humour! This story has finally attempted to convey something! Something! It's a fucking miracle! It's still a slap in the face to the momentous potential of human ingenuity, but at least it's something.

Everyone laughed after hearing what Norville said.

"No, Norville. I guess you can't! Maybe you could call me big red instead," Clifford replied kindly.

His name is still Clifford the Big Red Dog?

 

"'Big red'? That's a good idea, Clifford! I like it!" Norville replied. Eventually, after some more talking with his friends, Clifford hear Emily Elizabeth call him and tell him it was time to leave.

Good. If we keep trying different mixes of settings and characters, we pretty much have to find a combination that makes an interesting story happen.

"It was nice seeing you guys again. See you later! Bye!" Clifford said before running back over to Emily again.

"Bye Clifford!" his friends called back. As Clifford started heading home however, he couldn't help but feel happy to see his friends again.

However? Couldn't help but? Writer, those are words to use when some type of conflict is brewing. Face it, this story has never provided the basis to use those words.

Chapter 3, Autumn

Chapter 3: Autumn

It was a nice breezy day outside as Emily Elizabeth and her mom went out to get apple cider and donuts.

Okay writer, I know you're going to fuck this up if left to your own devices, so here's the plan.

 

You have cider and donuts. As of right the fuck now, this is a crossover containing the cider addict Rainbow Dash and the donut zealot Homer Simpson. This gives you two characters who actually have a personality; maybe together they can do something that's worth reading. Maybe they could go on a food based adventure, or maybe they could go head to head in a battle to determine the best sustenance. But anyways, it's up to you, so let's see what you come up with.

Meanwhile, Clifford and Daffodil were at home with Emily's dad who was doing chores.

 

"I can't wait for Emily to get back! Who knows what she'll bring us!" Clifford said as he wagged his tail.

So I just noticed; Clifford's size has had absolutely nothing to do with the story so far. It's been mentioned, sure, but it hasn't been a driving force in what little plot there is. Everything said would still make just as much sense whether he grew to three feet tall or twenty. I had such high hopes for this story, and now I just feel cheated.

"I know. Especially since it's Autumn," Daffodil added.

"Exactly! What do you think she'll get us? Apple cider? Cinnamon donuts? Early Halloween costumes?"

"Three loaded chambers so we can just end this already?"

Clifford replied wondering what could be in store.

"I have no idea, Clifford. We'll just have to wait and see!" Daffodil responded.

Yes, the anticipation is killing me.

Time passed by and it was an hour later until Emily and her mom came back. Clifford and Daffodil came rushing over in excitement. Emily then got out a bag and gave them some new treats. Clifford and Daffodil were very happy with the treats.

And on that climactic note, the story is over. Personally I think the ending came about three chapters late, but regardless, at least by the end there were actually things happening. It wasn't much, but it was something, so…

 

What can I say? It was underwhelming, but with the introduction it gave in the very beginning, it would be ridiculous to expect anything else.