Review #100

Introspection Round 2

Story by The Retributionists

Review by The Retributionists




Two months ago, we announced the second round of Introspection. It took us long enough, but we finally got it done.


So, how did everyone like the fishing trip?

Oh, we were supposed to be fishing? I was out golfing.

 

I loved it. I caught  two fish!

  

What did you guys catch?

Nothing that can compare to yours.

 

Well now that my childhood just got fucked I say we get this shit started.  

Oh, shit, did we start? Hello all of you lovely literary sadomasochists and welcome, to the second round of Introspection! We've all been hard at work writing stories over the last couple of months, inspired by prompts from our fellow subreddits. And after extending the deadline by a week, we finally have them written. So without further ado, join us as we take a long, hard, deep, penis, introspective look at ourselves!

Voldemort Creates his First Horcrux on James and Lily's Wedding Day While Professor Orange Rapes Hermione and/or Luna Lovegood, by Ray Thompson

Who is that sexy beast with the mask?

It’s Batman.

Prompts from /r/HarryPotter

/u/Obscuretrolling: Write the story of Voldemort creating his first Horcrux.

/u/balin2k: Write a story about james and Lilly's wedding day

/u/_Hentai_Man_: You should do a story where Professor Orange rapes Hermione and or Luna Lovegood.

Which one did you pick?

Pick?

        Tom Riddle dashed to the far end of the Hogwarts Kitchens with a burlap sack slung over his shoulder.

Was it a sack full of guns?

He passed by several shelves of brass cookware, and on his way to the grandiose fireplace he snatched an especially large pot.

Time for some cooking.

 

Overhead Tom heard the faint sounds of a gathering in the Great Hall, but regardless of the crowd upstairs, the four long tables in the kitchens remained empty.

        After placing the sizable pot on the fire, Tom opened his burlap sack and reached inside.

 

What could it be?

First he retrieved a box of sugar.

Anticlimactic.

 With a flourish he poured it into the pot. Second he produced a pouch of spice. After raising the pouch to his nose and smelling its piquant odor,

Damn you big words! Piquant…...pleasantly sharp taste. Ok.

he tossed it too into the pot. Finally, he held his burlap sack over the blaze and dumped the rest of its contents; everything nice fell into the pot.

All of the nice.

Well I know where this story is going.

 

First The Little Mermaid, now Powerpuff Girls, we’re systematically killing our childhood.

I’m a man on a mission.

        Tom watched with a smile as the concoction bubbled, but his satisfaction was short lived. A glaring flash and a roaring crash exploded from behind him.

Conflict just had to crash into the scene!

 

When he turned to the clammer he beheld a trail of fire leading to machine made of shiny black metal. The side opened up, and three women stepped out.

        “OMFS fangz 4 leting us Use ur tim machine morty McFli!”

 

I only see bad things from this.

Girls that can’t use english in a fanfiction? Only good can come from this.

        The machine gave a monstrous bellow and sped away towards the door to the kitchens. Before colliding with the oak a hand emerged from the machine, with the middle finger raised, and in another flash the machine was gone.

        “Who are you?” Tom asked, addressing his abrupt company.

        “Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness—”

You just couldn’t help yourself could you?

It's a bad habit, I know, but I promise to start shooting heroin into my knee so I can get over it.

I’ll go get the flamethrower.

        “Nevermind, I don’t care.”

 

Crisis averted.

        Ebony continued to speak regardless of Tom’s protests, explaining in great detail what clothes she was wearing.

        “Ignore her,” the blonde advised.

We’ve tried, never worked.

It would have worked but Ray made us listen.

Damn it Ray.

        The brunette nodded, adding, “She’ll get bored and inexplicably disappear in a few minutes.”

        Shrugging, Tom returned his attention to his work. The pot popped and frothed. His creation was nearly complete.

        “heyy sexi goffic bi guy r u makin a Volxemortserom?/”

        “What?” Tom questioned,

They just said to ignore her and what do you do?

not shifting his gaze from the pot. “No, it’s a Ho—”

        Ebony gasped, and declared something utterly incomprehensible. “Crookshanks!” she exclaimed before diving headfirst into the boiling pot.

At least you got her personality correct, and are you still punishing me for choosing Ebony from the last Introspection?

Honestly, I don't know who I'm punishing at this point.

You know….you’re a little too good at writing for her.

He’s really too good at writing about her, knows her too well.

        Tom lept back to avoid the splash.

Because Ebonys’ splash does damage.

His jaw hanging open, he looked to the two remaining women. They were equally speechless.

        The pot clanged and rattled above the fire, shaking more and more violently until the side burst open and a figure emerged. Clad in a black suit and an orange bowtie, the man stood and grinned.

Sup Bitches?

 

        Pointing to Tom and the women in turn, the man said, “Eeny, meeny, miny, all three of you!”

Best… Line… Ever.

        He pounced on the blonde, who screamed. “Run Hermione!”

You can not run from me!

Hent you’re really getting into this.

“her”

I’m truly disappointed that you didn’t have it be foxyline.

        Hermione headed the advice and took off towards the kitchens’ door, Tom racing alongside her.

        “Not so fast!” the man yelled, and with uncanny agility he lept from the blonde to Hermione.

 

        “Luna, help!”

        Tom didn’t look back, but he didn’t look where he was going either.

Wait what?

Tom stumbled on an uneven bit of masonry in the floor and fell onto one of the four long tables in the room. His face contorted into a tight wince and he curled up, preparing his body for the worst.

What part of his body was he preparing?

Does it have to be just one?

Only the necessary parts.

Sorry Tom. No homo.

        “Tom?”

        He opened his eyes. Rather than seeing the dull kitchens, Tom found himself in the Great Hall.

 

The tables were lined with guests in formal attire. A man and woman stood at the alter.

 

He must be so proud.

        In a hushed tone, a man with a long grey beard commanded,

IT’S DUMBLYDORE!

“Tom, get off the table, what are you doing?”

        “It was, there were, the kitchens, I,” Tom paused. Taking a seat beside the bearded man, Tom sighed and whispered, “I don’t know, some magical bullshit. Are the tables in the kitchens—”

        “Brimming with magical bullshit,” the bearded man answered. “Hey, want to make a Horcrux later?”

        “Oh cool, that sounds like fun.”

Fin~

Perfection.

Simply beautiful.

Needs more Hentai.

Ebony still seems to be haunting your writing Ray. If I had to rate out of eight how great, mate, I would give it a seven.

Fuck you Ray, by Warnuts

Properly titled.

Prompt from /r/Zelda

/u/linktothenow: Ganondorf has a daughter who he sends to kill Link but she ends up falling in love with him

So I got my prompt from the great people from the Zelda Reddit page, thanks Ray.

 

So I say we get this shit storm over with. ONWARD!

   

Warnuts, you can't add pictures to your story.

Also Ray if you say I can’t add pictures to my story, I just got one thing to say.

   

 

I take it back, add as many pictures as you want.

One clichéd dark and stormy night in Ganondorf's castle one of his minions entered his study. “Ah disposable minion #69

Obviously.

have you returned with the final ingredient?” “Yes mast… Wait did you just call me a disposable minion?” “What no, I would never do that.” “Yes you did, see look up two lines. It litalery say “disposable minion #69.

Disposable minion #69 does have a point; generic bad guy #420 has some explaining to do.

I don’t have to explain anything to you.

 

Well that describes it pretty good.

“ That’s besides the point… The ingredient?” Ganondorf said putting his hand on 69’s shoulder.

 

See it's funny because he touched the 69.

“Yeah I got it right here”. he said holding up a bottle that said Chemical X

What’s with the Powerpuff Girls getting involved in our stories?

Don’t worry about it, that’s why.

...so when is the Powerpuff Girls story coming?

Well I know what I’m doing tonight.

Fapping?

   

“I had to kill some Samurai Jack looking mother fucker

Let’s just get all of our childhood shows out of the way.

 

Huh, they actually do look a lot alike though.

Coincidence, I think not.

It’s canon in the doujinshi version.

and his three daughters.” “Why did you even need this?” “Come with me and I shall show you.” So 69 did just that. Ganondorf pulled on a Nintendo Power magazine and the bookcase opened up to a lab.

As 69 looked around he noticed it looked like something straight out of Dexter’s Labratory.

 

Angular outline? White clothed torso? Indistinct silhouette legs? He's part of the professor-samurai triumvirate!

Triumvirate? You forgot about the guy from Invader Zim and the Mom from Teenage robot.

 

Then he noticed a line of metal tables in the back. when he went to the tables he saw that they all had a body with a toe tag.”Reven, Lura, Xxxxemo4everxxxX,  KAWAIIFLOWA, Ebony Darkness

Ok I’m calling it right now. Everyone had her in there story didn’t they?

I surprisingly did not involve her.

I also didn’t include her.

Don’t worry I included like six of her.

Dementia Revenway,Ebony Darkness Dementia Revenway, Ebony Darkness Dementia Revenway, Ebony Darkness Dementia Revenway. Why are there so many Ebonys?” 69 asked.

It’s like we allow My Immortal to hurt us.

We enjoy the pain.

 “Don’t get me started on it, now on to science.” They both walked over to a coldren

First the allusion to the Powerpuff Girls, then the Mary Sue cameo, now the cauldron. This story sounds oddly familiar…

and Ganondorf put some sugar, spice, everything nice, eight hearts, and the Chemical X in the Coldren. “What are you doing?”

Creating bullshit...magical bullshit.

You’re not wrong.

 “I’m making the perfect girl to kill Link.” As Ganondorf finished his sentence a explosion came from the Coldren.

Am I reading the same story twice?

It’s like we are reading My Immortal!

 When the smoke cleared they saw a girl standing where the coldren used to be. “What the fuck just happened?”

Don’t know if I want the answer to that question.

69 asked dusting himself off. “ That would take to long to explain, we’ll just flash forward a little bit.

~~~

 

So they found out that her name was Perfectioneta

The pinnacle of Mary Sue names.

and she was sent out on her mission.

To fuck - I mean kill Link.

Or both.

Lets go with both.

After two days of walking she finally came across link sitting by a lake and fishing. She reached into her side pocket and pulls out a dagger with a gold hilt as she snuck up behind him.

Oh shit a gold hilt, she means business.

but as she was about to kill him his head turned and they made eye contact. It was mutual attraction at first sight.

 

I completely agree with you, but since I've probably explained my feelings on shallow love to an annoying extent at this point, I'm just going to put up a cheesy ecard that has very little to do with the point we're making and call it good.

 

 One short love montage later, it was there one year anniversary.

If only My Inner Life knew how to summarize like that.

“Wow I can’t believe it’s our anniversary already, it doesn’t even feel like one sentence.”

“Sentence, Don’t you mean a year?” “Well no you se…”

“The post was made in like...September so it’s like...been forever.”

Link was suddenly interrupted by a mysterious shadow  “Link my darling, I’ve finally found you.” Jenna said as she came out of the shadows.

 

 

“Darling, How the fuck do you think you’re calling darling?”

How the fuck indeed.

perfectioneta said standing up from Link’s side. “Relax Perfectioneta she’s just another Mary Sue from another fanfic.”

"I don't pretend to love her like I pretend to love you."

“What do you mean by fanfic?” “Well none of this is real. I mean I’m from a Nintendo game, and she is a “author” of a long ass fanfic where I’m her husband.” after hearing this her head exploded.

So did mine.

The fourth wall stuff at the end was funny although distracting if you didn’t know the context. If I had to rate out of eight how great this was mate, I’d give it a five.

 

The End.

Familiar of Kenshin, by Lieutenant Fluff

Bask in it’s beauty bitches!

Prompt from /r/FanFiction

/u/zenith21: Do a crossfic of Rurouni Kenshin and Familar of Zero.

So only Hent actually knows what these stories are, which basically means that anything can pass as canon.

My time to shine! Rurouni Kenshin is about a samurai that wanders around and fights for the little guy. (japaneses Robin Hood) Familar of Zero is the anime version of Harry Potter but at least fifty times better because it has a lot of boob jokes.

Make a crossover of the two and you get this shit.

They sound good seperately. I look forward to boob jokes Fluff.

It’s a dark and stormy night in the country of Tristain.

It was a dark and stormy night, that sounds familiar too… do we all have to incorporate parts of each other's stories?

Mine does not start that way.

Does it contain the Powerpuff Girls?

Or My Immortal?

No and yes. I used things from my childhood. The good shit.

Hent, you had a childhood? I thought you were an alien.

 

I can dream can’t I!

 

Yes Ray. You are boned. Mart and Fluff are safe.

 

 

People flock to their homes trying to get away from the rain. Walking down the road, a man walks peacefully, oblivious of the rain pouring down on him.

 

A mother and her daughter are running to get to their home, but a hole in the ground causes the small girl to trip and fall.

She actually tripped over something instead of just falling over for no discernible reason? Well hey, she's already doing better than anybody in a horror movie.

The girl begins to cry, until the man kneels down to her and extends his hand.

She then screams and runs away because he has no face.

 

More like

 

The girl reaches for his hand and he pulls her to her feet. “Thank you,” the mother says for the child. The mother and daughter begin to walk away.

“Excuse me, but before you go, could you tell me where the Tristain Academy of Magic is?” the man asks.

 

The woman turns to him and points north. “The Academy is that way,” the womans says

Yeah, all womans be sayin' that.

Gotta keep that story a’going if you know what I mean.

before leaving with her child.

The man goes toward the direction and before he knew it he stood in front of the greatest academy for wizards in all of Tristain.

  

The man goes and walks through the main gate and comes across a boy and a girl talking to each other.

"He proceeds to walk right past them, because it's not that unusual."

How about now?

 

“Hello,” the man says. The two turn to the man in front of them.

“Who are you?” the boy asks. “Do you have business with the academy?”

“You don’t look like you’re from here,” the girl says.

And you don't sound like you're very polite.

From what I’ve read, she’s not really polite in canon either. Hent, your thoughts?

Tis true.

“My name is Himura Kenshin,” Kenshin says. “I’ve come here to learn about the art of magic.”

Sorry but magic in this show is only for the Rich’un snobby.

 

The two look to each other and then back at Kenshin. “Maybe he’s from earth like me,” the boy says.

What’s that got to do with him being magical?

EVERYTHING!

Hent, verdict?

The main character in the show Familiar of Zero is a regular dude that is transported to the magical one. He can not use magic. He is a slave to the person that summoned him there. Hence the “Familiar” in the title.

“Maybe,” the girl says.

The two turn back to Kenshin. “Do you have any magical powers?” the girl ask.

“Nope,” Kenshin says with a smile on his face.

 

Loyalty to the canon restored (I think), well done.

I did something right without knowing shit about the canon, go me.

 

Kenshin never smiles!

 

What is this then?

 

...Fan art?

The two students look at each other again with bewilderment.

“Sir, you do realize to go to the academy you at least have to have a little tiny bit of magic in you right?” the girl says.

“I think I’ll learn the basics fast,” Kenshin says.

 

“Uhhh,” both students say in confusion. Suddenly, a loud explosion can be heard on the other side of the academy.

"Um, you do realize that this plot can't go anywhere now, right? Quick, explosion time!"

“What was that?!” the boys yells.

I don’t know! But I think it was an explosion!

“Saito, let’s go find out,” the girl says running to where the explosion occurred, the boy runs trying to keep up with her.

 

“Louise, wait up!” Saito yells.

I will say, this does a good job of showing the names before telling them.

“I should go find out what’s going on as well,” Kenshin says, heading for the same direction.

*insert terrible One Direction joke here*

Or just go to my last Introspection story.

The students reach where the explosion occurred. Several other students and teachers lie on the ground. A woman stands around all the bodies and looks at the two.

Please let it be Tifa. Please let it be Tifa. Please let it be Tifa.

 

“So you two finally got here,” the woman says. “Things just got a little more interesting.”

“Sheffield!” Louise yells. “You’re gonna pay for this!”

Fuck! Not even one of the main villains!

 

 

“We’re gonna end this right now!” Saito yells.

“And I’m guessing you’re gonna try and take me on all by yourself?” Sheffield mocks. “Do you really think a weakling like you could defeat me alone?”

Quick he’s monaloging, kill him.

  

“Excuse me?” Kenshin suddenly says. The students look at Kenshin surprised. Sheffield turns her head to Kenshin.

“Who are you?” Sheffield asks.

“My name is Himura Kenshin,” Kenshin says. “Would you be the one that caused that explosion?”

“No. He did.” points to the charred remains of a student on the floor.

“Yes,” Sheffield says. In a second, Kenshin takes out his blade and strikes Sheffield.

 

 Sheffield tries to dodge, but the sudden attack and Kenshin’s speed catch up to her and he strikes her on the shoulder.

Hey, does everyone remember when 69 got touched on the shoulder? Classic.

Kenshin is immediately blasted with a magic blast and lands on the ground, hurt. “That bastard actually got me with that pathetic sword,” Sheffield says. She suddenly cocks her head toward Louise as she prepares a spell.

And this is where not having watched the show wrecks your story.

 

 

Also, I know she sucks at using spells, I just wanted to have her use spells to continue story.

 

Just as she fires, Sheffield creates a magical shield in front of her, the attack hits but doesn’t hit Sheffield. Unnoticed, Saito comes up from behind her, holding a sword,

AAAAWWWW yeah. Derflinger the sword is one of the best characters in the show! Can’t wait for when he talks.

...It talks…

 

I give up.

his hands begin to emit a blueish glow as he swings it at Sheffield.

Sheffield counters with another shield which blocks the strike. Behind her, Kenshin strikes with his sword; Sheffield notices in the last second and puts up a second shield. Sheffield puts both of her hands in front of the two and blasts them away from her.

Kenshin and Saito both land on the ground with a thud. “I’ve done enough here,” Sheffield says. “I will be back.”

So you exploded a classroom and then leave. What was your objective in the first place?

With that, Sheffield suddenly disappeared. Louise runs over to Saito, who stands to his feet slowly.

“Are you okay!?” Louise asks, worried.

Doing pretty well actually, I’m a bit confus-

No one cares Martin.

Some of us do!

“Y..yeah,” Saito says. Kenshin stands up and walks toward the two. “I can’t thank you enough for helping us,” Saito says.

“It was my pleasure,” Kenshin says.

“You said earlier that you wanted to join the academy,” Louise says.

"I did, but after that shit, you'll understand if I'm having second thoughts."

“Our headmaster is on a mission away from the academy right now, but when I make a report of this attack I’ll be sure to tell him about you.”

Even though you still won't be able to use magic...ever.

“Thank you,” Kenshin says.

 

Bad Fluff!

You do a crossover without even knowing either one of the original stories!

Sure, bad Fluff, no idea what happened in your story.

Warnuts X Ray A love story, by Hentai Man

It’s time.

 

If there was ever a moment to overdose off Fukitol.

Prompt from /r/Hentai

/u/Daxter2121: No one? Allright... A goo girl alien and a her oppai loving brother use their space technology to take over a school of catgirls with loli teachers and have their way with them.

Prompt that was used instead

/u/Lt_Fluff: I'll do an Adventure of Hentai Man fanfic, if you do a Warnuts x Ray fanfic.

Hentai Man

Introspection Round ll

11/2/14

Warnuts X Ray A love story

I am going to kill Hentai Man first, then you Fluff.

I didn’t even think he was going to write it in the first place. Besides, I have to write an Adventures of Hentia Man, that alone is going to kill me.

I’m still going to kill you.

AN: Note the proper MLA format. Fancy as fuck. This is the proper way to present shit to the internet.

Clearly a god among men right here.

And the double spacing makes this so simple to add our own comments to!

Chapter 1: The creation of a God

There’s chapters??!!

Its for the next fifty reviews.

I’m going to enjoy killing you more than I should

                Through history every civilization has looked up to some sort of God, created through their understanding of the world around them.

 

Oh here we go.

Every aspect of the world has a God, and this is one of them. The God of # of fucks given, Warnuts.

                One day the six most Important gods, The Winged Dragon of Ra, Haruhi Suzumiya, The Flying Spaghetti Monster,

 

Pain

You’re giving me a lot of Pain right now Hent.

 

, Deus Ex Machina and The Fonz were sitting around a pool talking about life. The Fonz was telling the story about how he once jumped a shark to Haruhi and Ra,

 

Pain was giving Deus Ex Machina a speech about how the only way people could connect with one another by slaughtering an entire village.

 

While this was all going on The Flying Spaghetti monster was in the corner not giving a shit about any on it.

Nobody puts Flying Spaghetti Monster in the corner!

When the Fonz said Ayyy for the seventieth time and Pain said pain for the hundredth time, The Flying Spaghetti monster couldn’t take it any more.

                A single meatball fell from the monster.

That's alright; even if he's short one, he's still the god with the biggest balls.

Amen.

Ramen.

As it fell from heaven it took the form of a human with a blue tie and a fedora.

Every sentence feels like Walnuts slowly putting his hands around my neck.

Why would he ever do that? It’s not like you gave me the prompt or anything.

Besides, I don't know if you read the title, but I'm pretty sure his hands are going around my neck pretty soon here.

Upon landing on the earth, he crashed into a My Inner Life autograph signing.

 

This is where the god learned to read, write, and speak.

Are you deliberately trying to piss me off Hent?

Hay man. I’m just writing for the prompt that was given to me.

Yes. Yes he is.

Shut up yellow.

Oh my Fanz! You can see him too! I told you I wasn’t crazy Ray!

Ray? Who's Ray?

How much Fuckital did you guys take? Mart! I don’t think This stuff is good for people in large doses.

 

Nah we’re good.

 

What haven’t you done at this point.

He was enjoying his newfound life and was making friends with a girl named Link’s Queen. They were hitting it off fairly well.

Link was dead somewhere, but no one cared.

                While they were talking a man stood up on a table and called for everyone’s attention.

 

The man had the hair of a jungle man but wore a black suite with a purple tie.

Mein Gott, who is this dashing gentleman?

Bruce Wayne.

Once the man had everyone’s attention, he then stepped off of the table and flipped it into the air. Link’s Queen didn’t like this party crasher and walked up to him. As she did the man chanted the words

“Ebony… Ebony… Let the Darkness tremble. For no Fanfiction shall escape my Tumblr.

Because it doesn't have to mean anything as long as it rhymes.

Let those who troll on authors (insert rhyming word), Beware my power, Saint Purple’s Ferula!”

There was a large flash of Purple light and then a large rod appeared in his hands.

The sex scene is already happening?

No, this is a large rod, clearly it must be something else.

Hent did you write yourself in?

 

...If you got it, flaunt it.

He then proceeded to beat the shit out of Links Queen.

 

I still hate you, just slightly less after reading that sentence.

Brutal violence fixes everything.

Wait for it….

The man in the blue tie realized that he was being cockblocked and ran at the attacker. The Purple tied stranger then declared war on his genitals.

When The man awoke, he found himself tied up in a cage while a man looked over him.

“Welcome. My name is Ray. What is yours?” He said.

 

Your worst nightmare.

“Why the fuck did you go to war on my nuts man? The fuck!” The man in the cage exclaimed.

“Trust me…you deserved it.

The fuck did I do?

Don't act like you don't know.

So your name is Warnuts? Interesting. What were you doing at that convention?”

“I fell from heaven and that's where I landed.”

 

“Sure you did. Well now you’re my new employee. Welcome to hell.”

And so the great and powerful Walnuts was born, and the world was changed forever.

Walnuts?

Inside joke.

Alrighty, good story Hent.

Thank you! I worked hard to plagiari...write that.

Also congratulations Fluff, I’m going to kill you first now.

 

Wait, I need a Title? by Martin Daniels

No flamming u gyus okie?

Us? Flame? You must be thinking of a different group of irrational critics.

Fine. I’ll use this can of gasoline for its intended purpose then.

Prompt from /r/PokemonFanfiction

/u/monky9997891: A Pokémon disobeys his trainer because he doesn't believe his commands to be morally right. What ensues is a psychological conflict from within the Pokémon as well as an external conflict between the Pokémon and the trainer. If you want to take it a step further and if you take it in the right direction, you can incorporate long-term societal conflicts between humans and their trainers around the world.

This sounds eerily similar to a Pokemon story I’ve read.

Shh! That's not canon yet.

Sweet I don’t have to review my own story!

 

 

Room for two?

 

“Hey! Old man I have a new pokemon for you.” said Jimmy.

It’s a

 

“Okay Jimmy you know the drill, just sign here, here, and here.” said Old Man.

So, resident Pokemon fanfiction connoisseur Fluff, are these people in character?

I believe they indeed are in character.

I believe in some circles they are known as children.

10 is considered adult in Pokemon.

“Hey! I haven’t seen that Medicham before, it looks, off.” said Jimmy.

“Oh, ya that’s a rescue, it’s owner died.”

Wait a minute, nothing can die in pokemon, they can only be mostly dead.

  

 

They know to much!

“What! How did it happen?!”

“Well, that’s a long story Jimmy…”

Whacky flashback transition time!

 

“Toxicroak, use Toxic!” said Xavier.

 

That eyebrow though.

“Yes sir.” said Toxicroak.

Alright, so pokemon are talking, I seem to recall that being pretty rare. But, not impossible, so

 

“Good, I was running out of this, Toxicroak return.” said Xavier.

Xavier enters the hotel, tipping the doorman on the way in.

Xavier seems like such a nice person; I bet there's nothing that could change my view.

There is an immaculate staircase

 

Fuck.

in the center of lobby, an ad for the newest Poke-Doll was streaming on the half a dozen plasma screens throughout the room.

Even in the Pokemon Universe, there’s advertisement up the ass.

Xavier passes by the check in counter, he scoped this place out 3 weeks ago he knew where he was going. He made his way through the kitchen, it was 3 pm and dinner wasn’t going to be made for another 3 hours.

Clearly the most important detail of the story.

Even so, there was one employee taking a smoke break. Slight change in plans, he had to take the back door out of the kitchen and head up the emergency staircase instead of using the elevator. As long as no one saw him leaving the stairwell he would be fine.

Is it really that much of a problem if he's seen in a basically public space? I would argue that the emergency stairs are even more conspicuous.

Xavier made his way up to the 5th floor of the hotel and decided to take a quick break after climbing the stairs. Good thing too, a security guard just walked by the door, probably some complaint about noise or another resident. Xavier made his way through the door to the hallway and b-lined his way to his destination, room 523.

 

“Come on out Medicham.” said Xavier.

“Hello Xavier.” said Medicham.

“I need you to predict the next course of events for me, use Future Sight.” said Xavier.

okay assuming that pokemon can talk what’s stopping people from using that exact move to win the lottery?

Good question; nothing, just like the canon.

“Ok, I see you entering that room, no one seems to be inside, wait I hear the shower going. You enter the bathroom and… you add Toxicroak’s venom to the rim of the glass by the sink. The shower is turned off and you quickly leave the room and make your way to the elevator.”

“Good, come back Medicham.”

It happened exactly as Medicham had predicted.

 

Pokemon + Mission Impossible = Marts’ fanfic.

Now that’s a crossover.

“Here’s your money.” said El Jefe.

The one and only The Jeff?

“Thank you, sir.” said Xavier.

“No need for thank yous Xavier, you do good work. Speaking of which, another job for you has just been brought to my attention.”

“What are the details?”

“I’ve been informed that a Sting operation is going to be going down at the Game Center tonight. I need you to use your skills to determine who’s the rat

 

and take him out swiftly before backup can be called in.”

“Alright, my Pokemon and I should be able to handle that.”

“Why would Xavier poison that man?” thought Medicham while relaxing in her pokeball.

Aw sweet, in the show we never get to see what it’s like inside the pokeballs. I can’t wait to see how you wrote this.

Does it look anything like this?

 

“He’s been so distant lately, we haven’t battled other trainers in months. Ever since he started working for this El Jefe he’s been using us to... kill. I don’t know how much longer I can follow him.”

Sorry Warnuts, like to let my readers use their imaginations.

When people use their imagination we get stuff like My Immortal and My Inner Life.

Good thing too, Or I’d be out of a hobby.

Hobby? Ray Isn’t paying you?

 

“When exactly is this going to go down?” thought Xavier through a yawn

Well shit. Xavier used Yawn. Looks like we are all going to fall asleep.

But I can't go back to sleep! I haven't slept since I killed the original purple; I just don't know what would happen.

Let me help you.

 

Good night.

 

No. We're not going there. Not again.

as the time closed in on 1:00 in the morning. Xavier hears a van pull into the garage out the back and decides to bring out his pokemon to prepare.

“Medicham, I need you to determine which of those men is the rat.

 

 Use Mind Reader.” said Xavier.

Medicham began to enter the minds of the four men entering from the garage.

What it found would traumatize the poor Pokemon for the rest of it’s life.

The first was playing with a knife, stabbing the air as his story came to a climax.

Did someone say CLIMAX!

Hent no!

...how about a little wager?

I’m sorry are we making bets now?

Heads, I don’t put a cumshot gif in. Tails, I do.

But tails never fails.

Lets see.

 stephen colbert heads loses tableflip gif

Woo, what do I win?

You get nothing.

 

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Medicham saw in his mind him using that same knife to stab a woman multiple times before raping her daughter.

I swear I’ve read this somewhere.

 It wasn’t him.

How come police don’t use that move in all of their cases. Also, what the fuck Martin

What? In his defense, we've read much more fucked up stories, ones that would elaborate on that in great detail.

        The next man was large, he carried himself confidently, although what Medicham saw inside was a scared poochyena forced into this life by his older brother. It wasn’t him.

So we just went from a violent rapist/murderer, to a guy who just had an A-hole of a brother. What the fuck is up with these guy’s back stories?

        The third man was dwarfed by the size of the second man, although his mind was sharp, Medicham saw him cheating on the Game Center slots.

 

That fiend.

When caught though he wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. She saw him strangling a man accusing him of cheating in the alley behind the game center. It wasn’t him.

 

This story is too smart for me to make a sex joke in! Damn you Mart!

        The last man was laughing at the first man’s story, what Medicham saw inside was something entirely different though. He was disgusted with the life he was living, he wanted to punch the man right in the face but he controlled himself. This was the night. he was going to get away from here and run away with his pregnant girlfriend and-

“Who is it Medicham?” said Xavier.

Well Xavier, maybe if you would stop interrupting she would tell you. I take back every nice thing I said about Xavier.

“Uh, it’s…” said Medicham. But she couldn’t bring herself to say it.

So say it’s the Murderer/Rapist.

Yeah, that actually would make sense. Martin, explanation?

Just keep reading.

I think I know who it is.

 

Medicham needs to bring down the hammer.

She saw herself in that man, she didn’t want him to die. She wanted to run away with him away and escape from this world as well.

“Haha! Xavier! Which of these bastards am I stabbing tonight!”

 

said the first man.

Medicham felt the fear enter the fourth man.

“Medicham, who is it?” said Xavier.

“It’s… I… I can’t” whispered Medicham. She didn’t want to disobey Xavier but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.

Is that the reason why she didn’t tell him? Because if so it still doesn’t explain shit. if she lied it wouldn’t bedisobeyingg him and the fourth guy would live.

“I’m just going to kill all of em’ if I don’t get an answer Xavier!” said the first man.

Problem solved!

 

“No!” shouted Medicham. She used High Jump Kick on the first man.

“Medicham! Come back!” Xavier said as through the pokeball at her. She batted it away in a rage.

They can do that?

Yes.

 

“Toxicroak use Poison Jab!” said Xavier. Toxicroak hit Medicham squarely, although it wasn’t very effective. Medicham used Psychic on Toxicroak and Toxicroak fell.

“Oh no, what have I done.” said Medicham.

Yeah, if the moral anvil at the end of the Pokemon Movie taught us anything, it's that all forms of violence are wrong. And thankfully, everybody forgot that movie ever happened, so the violence continued as usual.

It’s also why The Iron Giant is a better movie.

Power Rangers movie was the best.

She ran to Toxicroak but found him unresponsive. At this point the other three men were beginning to figure out why they had been brought here and were trying to decide who the rat was. The large man swung first at the scrawny third man but he missed and the third man brought out his pistol and shot him when he was recovering.

“I guess it was him huh?” said the third man.

"It must be the target, I just shot it."

“Ya… I guess.” said the fourth man. The third man began to walk towards Xavier before being shot in the back by the third man.

So the third man shot himself in the back.

It’s a reverse backstabbing...I think.

Shit, I meant fourth.

“Medicham, stop him!” shouted Xavier. Medicham was in too much shock and couldn’t react fast enough. The third man shot Xavier square in the chest and he went down.

Was that before or after he shot himself in the back?

Meant to be forth again got mixed up.

Medicham blacked out. The third man began to run before the cops showed up,

Wow this third guy sure is a trooper.

Wow, you guys really like to hammer in a mistake.

Yeah, it’s what we do.

Touche.

but stopped himself. That Medicham had just saved his life, he went back and scooped her up and went back to the garage and got in the van.

“He dropped her off here and then took off in a hurry.” said Old Man.

Now we’re back in the present?’

To be fair, there was a larger than usual indent there, but our formatting made that impossible to notice.

“Wow, that’s one scary story mister.” said Jimmy.

“I just hope Medicham is able to recover.” said Old Man.

“Can I, go talk to her?” said Jimmy.

“Of course, she hasn’t been very responsive since she got here.”

So how does this old fuck know all of this? It’s not like the guy dropping her off told him the story, and you just said she’s not talking.

Jimmy walked over to the Medicham and kneeled down.

“Hi.” said Jimmy.

“Hello.” said Medicham.

So what makes this kid so special that Medicham will talk to him after not talking to anyone all day?

Logic went to hell a long time ago.

True, we pretty much abandoned that from the first story and never picked it back up.

Its over rated anyways.

I must admit, 100 reviews is impressive. Do I have a life still?

A life? Bah, who needs it?

Heres to a hundred more.

  

Now get back to work. We have a lot of shit to go through.

I’ll get right on it:

 

Any room in that hot tub for me?

 

Hot tub for everyone!

 

 

But it was

Free.