Review #200

Fan Mail




Welcome to review #200! In this “““review”””, we’re going to re-view some mail that I’ve gotten over the years since we got our own website :3. I’ve done my best to scrub/anonymize these messages, just cause I don’t want this to be about like, being mean to people who have gotten in touch with us—to be honest I enjoyed getting every one of these emails. Think of this as just a special peek behind the scenes I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Is getting ready for this review why we were gone for two years?

Nah we just kinda didn’t do anything. DnD is fun.

Subject: Wrong Forum...
From: [RetributionistsFan1]
Date: March 2016

Hello!

Sorry about the Google Forum that ended abruptly. My bad...

Nahhhhh, that "forum" being the web-design equivalent of a dumpster fire was entirely my bad.

We tried…

knucles and the fairy Chapter 1, a Sonic the Hedgehog + Winx Club Crossover fanfic | FanFiction

- [RetributionistsFan1]

P.S. I know I'm fangirling your internet business of reviews, but keep in mind I'll let you know when I'm officially done with a story of mine.

I don’t know exactly what that means but I respect it.

Are they just going to use us as free critiquing to find out what’s wrong with their story?

I’d be down.

Subject: re: Wrong Forum...
From: Ray
Date: March 2016

Hey [RetributionistsFan1], long time no see.

It's actually not your fault in the least that the forum got taken down. It was just a bad system in general, and while redesigning the website, I decided to scrap that part. It'll probably be back someday in the distant future, once Martin and/or I are more competent web developers. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anywho, that knuckles/fairy story looks like a doozy. I'll add it to the list of "Stories that we really need to get around to reviewing already."

Oh yeah that was a thing wasn’t it?

Yeaahhhhhh I think I lost that like two phones ago. My bad.

Cheers,
Ray

Oh yeah, I used to sign all my emails with cheers cause I wanted to be british or something I guess.

Wait we’re not british?

Subject: re: Wrong Forum...
From: [RetributionistsFan1]
Date: March 2016

Okay,

Since you're too busy, how about this in case you can free up my requests.

Doug's Huge Adult Party, a doug fanfic | FanFiction
-[RetributionistsFan1]

Editor! Begin compiling a new "Stories that we really need to get around to reviewing already" list!

[Editor's Note:

]

Subject: Review #[num] "[title]" (The Retributionists Entertainment)
From: [fanfic author]
Date: March 2016

All right, I don't know how to work emails very well, even with me using them sometimes. I am [fanfic author]. My email name might not seem like it, but don't worry, I go under quite a few aliases. If you really need proof, I'll simply confirm with either my FanFiction or FictionPress account; whichever you prefer. Before you go deleting this email,

Mm indeed clearly I’m a very busy man with better things to do. "Things" in this case being reviewing literal hundreds of pieces of bad webfiction, I... guess. Still not 100% sure why all of this started in the first place tbh. Like, I know the how, and I'm glad it did, but that pesky, pesky why...

I am not here to flame or insult you. 'Twas my bad writing, and I look back on my past works with shame.

Saaaaaaaaame thoooooooough.

Once upon a time, I was searching on how to see comments I made on deviantART. Some people just said to Google my username to which I did out of boredom. At the bottom of the results I received, I saw this review.

Yup that sounds right.

First, I merely shrugged it off as being "another [fanfic author]". I proved myself wrong only a few seconds later.

I was quite confused while re-reading my bad writing (that I thought nobody except some chat members saw), as I did not use em dashes. Before you say anything, yes, I did find out about the editing.

Any idea what that’s in reference to?

The entire purpose of this email was to go "Wow!" at the fact that, well, my terrible erotic fiction has been reviewed. Thank you for your time.

- [fanfic author]

We clllllearly had nothing better to do at the time. And still don’t.

As an aside, I think I replied to this person but I can’t find the reply anywhere, so, who fuckin knows if like half of our fanmail is missing in some inbox somewhere.

Knowing how we work, probably.

Subject: Another trollfic, another nickel!
From: [RetributionistsFan1]
Date: April 2016

Doom Repercussions of Evil By: Peter Chimaera

From: [RetributionistsFan1]

Oh nice, it's one that we already reviewed.

[Editor's Note: Actually we reviewed Peter Chimaera’s fanfic about the NES game Desert Bus.]

I am confused and amazed. I mean, of course I knew about this, I read all of our reviews.

Editor! On the list!

[Editor's Note:

]

Subject: DownTheHobbitHole Anthology
From: [RetributionistsFan1]
Date: April 2016

Ah yes, “Anthology.” Past-me thinking he knew what words meant is a longstanding tradition in The Retributionists.

Whaaat I’m not still misusing verisimisitude of whatever it is.

From [RetributionistsFan1]:

One more request and nothing less.

http://downthehobbitthole.deviantart.com/art/The-Robot-Washing-Factory-569205009
http://downthehobbitthole.deviantart.com/art/the-auto-laundry-574764965
http://downthehobbitthole.deviantart.com/art/spring-cleaning-574764669
http://downthehobbitthole.deviantart.com/art/The-robot-factory-2-0-gift-story-by-brushslut-569378111

I don’t know why but just looking at that block of links gives me My Inner Life flashbacks and that worries me. I can’t go back man.

Subject: One More Final Thing I Totally Forgot to Request Before I Go
From: [RetributionistsFan1]
Date: May 2016

Monica Gilbey-Bieber | FanFiction

Why does that name sound familiar?

I—

Make a Bieber joke and I punch you.

Oh nevermind then, I would not be brave enough to do that.

- [RetributionistsFan1]

Subject: Not Another Request?! *facepalm*
From: [RetributionistsFan1]
Date: May 2016

Kirby's Adventure Chapter 1, a Mario + Kirby Crossover fanfic | FanFiction

This is [RetributionistsFan1], signing off! :)

[Editor's Note:

]

Subject: Oh... NO!
From: [RetributionistsFan1]
Date: May 2016

http://spyleader149.deviantart.com/art/Mommy-s-New-Baby-201454482

- [RetributionistsFan1]

P.S. Have fun!

What do you mean have fun?? What is—Mommy’s New Baby???

Yeah I’m frightened.

Isn’t this like that cub training one we read? I lost sleep over that one! That was some weird shit!

Hi, Future Formatting-This-Post Ray here! After Warnuts and I reviewed this I went back and reread our review of Cub Training Institute because I may or may not have wanted to give Warnuts crap about being a lightweight. Turns out, holy fucking jesus fucking brain fucking christ is that story bad. I had forgotten like 90% of the terrible things that happen in it. Anyways. Back to this though.

Subject: Another Fanfic Request
From: [RetributionistsFan1]
Date: July 2016

Unicorns, rainbows, and a bluebird of happiness Chapter 1, a my little pony fanfic | FanFiction

I was thinking this story was going to be so pleasant until I got to the My Little Pony part of the title. My Little Pony fanfic is weird about the nice titles being super fucked up stories.

I was living happily until you reminded me of the cupcakes. Which is such a fucked up thing to say! Everyone loves cupcakes!

I gotcha!

- [RetributionistsFan1]

Subject: Another Fanfic Request for the Umpteenth Time
From: [RetributionistsFan1]
Date: July 2016

https://m.fanfiction.net/u/4827596/

From: [RetributionistsFan1]
P.S. I've been thinking of you sometimes, but I hope you enjoy your great summer so far.

<3

Subject: Happy Halloween and Cheers to You!
From: [RetributionistsFan1]
Date: October 2016

Aw.

Subject: Neopets - Welcome and Account Verification
From: Neopets
Date: April 2018

Hi! Welcome to Neopets! We're glad you could join us.

Before you can continue on your adventures through Neopia, you'll need to activate your account so we know you're a human and not, like, an evil robot or sentient plush doll or something like that. You never know!

Why do we have this.

My contact email on the website is also my actual email. I left out a looooot that’s basically these.

Anyway, to activate your account, please visit this link and then you'll be ready to go: [verification link]

(If that link doesn't work, you can visit Neopets.com and enter this code in the activation box: [code])

Follow-up question, what’s a grown-ass man doing playing Neopets?

I wanted to see if the games were like I remembered! dramatic-flailing.gif!

Well if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go play pokemon.

And here's your username so you don't forget: porter_robinson

Oh hey everyone go friend me on Neopets. Unless I got banned. Actually yeah definitely don't bother I think I got banned for naming my character Mr Butt or something.

(If you ever lose your password, you can reset it here: http://www.neopets.com/account/passwordreset.phtml)


That's it! Thanks for signing up and activating your account. See you in Neopia!

- The Neopets Team

Subject: Hey i am the writer of [fanfic] and i gotta say you guys are way to harsh with your rewiews,and going from ssj2 to ultra saiyan makes since because ultra saiyan is a counter part yo super saiyan even tho its stronger, and the dodge was not stealing, it was referencing AND YES I AM 16!
From: [anonymous fanfic writer]
Date: April 2018


There’s so much I love about this email. I wish we got another one where he realizes he hit the limit in the subject but kept giving us emails in the subject line to make it look like he did it on purpose.

I love the way that all of our jokes in the review were clearly critical hits.

We struck all of his nerves.

Let’s do it again.

Editor!

[Editor's Note:

]

Subject: Your review of the Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin
From: [snarking onlooker]
Date: September 2018

Your review of that trash brought a tear to my eye. I did some history and digging around and it looks like the author made a remake a few years ago. Any chance you guys are going to snark that one?

Absoheckinlutely. (I think maybe at the time I said nah for some reason, but now fuckit I'd literally do a review of just the same story over again, idgaf)

Subject: Some absolutely fucking DEMENTED new material for your fanfiction review series (Retributionists)
From: [author of the aformentioned fanfiction] [sent twice from two different accounts] [also this guy spams reddit all the time linking to his work and usually gets downvoted even in relevant subs]
Date: January 2019

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17055872

The Buzz On How Maggie Got Fondled By Flecko (Rocko’s Modern Life / Buzz On Maggie crossover)

Wh-who?

Iiiii got nothin.

The small baby from the Simpsons? Look I get technically she’s twenty three now but still. Am I about to polute my google history with this one? … It’s a bug. American animated series. She’s a fly, big dreams, set in the fly metropolis of stickyfeet, controversial world of upstanding flies…

This sounds boring as shit.

And Rocko’s a cow, right?

I think?

Look I know we read something about R2D2 going up Optimus Prime’s butt, but this is where I draw the line needing to know how shit works.

Honestly, my ever-growing giantess brain-fetish fanfiction series as a whole already seems like a pretty damned major shoe-in for a review show

Oh my god I stopped caring about this sentence like twenty words ago and it’s not even over yet.

Can we do the Yu Yu Hakisho method and pretend the rest of this email didn’t happen?

[Editor's Note: Should I… should I write down—]

Nope!

Subject: PM: babe383girll315
From: [fanfiction dot com?]
Date: March 2019

You have received a message from:

babe383girll315
https://www.fanfiction.net/u/12037639/

Reply link: https://www.fanfiction.net/pm2/post.php?rid=254646358#new
--------------------

Subject: hallo

hello xXx-ShadamyFan-xXx.i'm want guy nctact me cute on this dating source - [redacted website] - register and looking me my id 680414 im realy so nicely girl)

Are Hent’s weird dating shennanigans happening to our website now?

I don’t know but if anyone is a guy who wants to nctact this person cute on a dating source, hit them up I guess.

--------------------

FanFiction https://www.fanfiction.net

Follow us on twitter @ https://twitter.com/fictionpress

Lastly, I want to reach waaaaay back into the vaults and pull out a message I saved from my email account I had when we first started The Retributionists.

What a journey it’s been.