Review #195

Forbided Love

Martin and Ray retire to the Batcave for their first full-length Batman review.




Chapter 1

Batman was walkin down the aile off the bat church in teh middle of batCave. (Dis twinty yrz in futur and he builtded it in that time)

There’s always something really suspicious to me about stories written in this style—that style being shitty, but a specific kind of shitty. It smells like trollfic. Luckily—

I always keep a dollop of Bat Troll Repellent in my belt. What do you think, Martin the manservant?

A dollop? Does it go on baked potatoes, sir?

IT GOES ON BAT POTATOES.

[Ed.: Ray has decided that Batman’s voice in this review will be represented by all caps and bold.]

He iz about to marry Cat Woman. She walks down aile to.

Alley?

He looked at her and thuoght, i am so glad she is not evil anymor becauz she is hot.

Oh well this story definitely wasn’t written by a… actually, I was going to say a thirteen-year-old, but I have roommates who are in college and probably think the same thing.

I wouldn’t put the spelling past college students either.

Batamn and Cat Woman got marryed and he put ring on her long felyne finger. Cat Woman whisper, Thank u for teh ring. It is expensive becauze you ar billionar.

“Ha, jokes on her it was my mother’s ring.”

(She could tell sinc she like dimonds)

He is flatred and blush bashfuly. Then they kiss.

Are they in their bat/cat suits right now? Because that’s definitely how the scene is playing out in my head, but then that makes me wonder who would be in attendance.

Bat,am

Yeah fuck the backspace key.

feelt her wiskers on his moth (she has rlly wiskers in this vershun becauze Batman is into furrys !)

Well, with a name like BATMAN I had a sneaking suspicion.

IT’S NOT A FETISH ALFRED, IT’S A LIFESTYLE.

EVERY time he kissed her he liked tickle and feel so good.

“Mmm, makes me think you have a mustache…”

I lov u Cat Wmon, he said under his bresth.

Tehn they prononcd them batman and batwife

and they went 2 Batmans room for…..

Don’t hold me in suspense!

Sexx!

BAT-SEX.

*Next part is sex so NO KID READ*%

FUCK!

Door’s right here if anyone else needs to leave.

In room cat Woman tak off all hjer clothes. She had purrfect body (lol c wat I did there)

but lots of hair becauz she is cat. Your soooo hot, Batman sais. "You take off cloth now, Batmn! She say in dark sexy meow.

Hey, hekehwrites, close the quote behind yourself when you leave.

Im scared, BaTMan said. Becaus my parent got shat, I am now parnoid. That why I fight crime. Im empty inside." Tehn Cat Woman felt all sorry for him and seh gave him best sex ever.

"HOW DARE YOU!"" Was Alferd!

Oh my god. Before seeing it was Alfred, I thought it was Batman saying that in response to the best sex ever.

What did I miss?

Oh, welcome back. Um, when a person on fanfiction.net loves a bat and a cat very much… BAT SMOKEBOMB!

He bust in door wit bottle champgn and Batman pulled out, he jumpd and hang upsid down on celing for protecsion

with Bat Powers. Catwoman hissed throuhg her purrfect lips with red lipstick still on miraclusly.

I want to get mad over these purring puns, but there are probably less here than in the canon.

PUT CLOTHES ON, say Alferd shoutingly.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

U cannot tell me wot to do, Cat Woman retarded. "I am wife of Billionar." Should put on clothe, said Batman. I dont want any other man seeing ur butt.

Again, I want to say this was written by a thirteen-year-old, but

So she did but not becauz Alferd said so!

I gotta admit, at least his misspelling of Alfred is consistent.

Den Bat Man caught Alferd lookin at him to, so he put on his smexy Bat Tuxedo from weding, but this time he left of the shirt under it so his rippd chest show thrugh attractively.

Alferd did little gasp like omg i like your chest Master Wain.

Oh okay we don’t even have to read the rest of this story I know where it’s going.

Batman got down from clieng an asked, "What do want with me, silly butlre?"

I WANT YOUR BODY yield Alferd before he could stop his self. There was dramatic paws!

Fuck you.

(and not just Cat Womans)

*Sex stuff end here, KID READING OK. 2 Catch you up with storie: Alferd caught cat woman and bat man doin it and he is madst butler in gotham. Alferd alsoo wants Batmans sexy body.*

I feel like the summary version was exactly as explicit as the in-scene version.

Then Cay Woman had enough! She pounce on Alferd and scartch his face until blood everwhere! Alferd tryd to fight back but she was 2 much and he ran away criing in Irish acsent.

So, not crying?

Now we can keep doin it, said Cat woman satisfactorly. "Nooo u hurt Alferd!" say Batman in loud voice becauz he acshuly care about Alferd he just dissed him cuz he was so horny.

How do your erections work, hekehwrites?

He thot back to all the tims long ago, when Alferd took care of him wehn he was little boy n not sexy yet.

You know what? Thank god hekehwrites decided not to go the other way with that.

So much had chagned. Sigh…

"Gtg Cat Woman. Got busnes to take care off." He said huskly. Tehn he skipped off into night like did four many yearz. /

Chapter 2

Batman sat in Batave sulkingly. He could not get over waht he sid to Alferd! He felt so bad he was even mor depresed than usual which is sayin alot becauz he has no parent.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqv_LUStxDw

He didnt want to fight any1 and what elz could he do? He cryd. Was all alon.

…..OR WAS HE. Suddunly Alferd show up! Master Wain? he said shily.

Foreshadowing but instead of subtly hinting at what’s going to happen next it might as well blatantly say it.

Let me just foreshadow you straight to the point eh?

ALFERD! shout Bat Man thru his water fall of taers. I made mistaik!" I kno said Alferd.

The 2 men embraxed each other and Batman cryd on alferds sholder. "Dont cry master Wain," he say too him. "Call me Bruc,"

Brock?

Just how many series are you dipping into hekehwrites?

says Batman. "Dont cry Bruc, he said Irishly.

I don’t… think Alfred is Irish? Am I remembering wrong?

Batman say he liked Alferds acsent nd Alferd promise to speak extra irish if it will mak Bruc love him.

"Why u not tell me love sooner?" Bruc asked as he strokd Alferds forhead romanticly.

This story takes place twenty years ahead of the Batman canon, so yeah, you’d think he could’ve found some time to bring it up.

“Here’s your coffee sir, also, I am madly in love with you.”

Alferd told that he is lowli butler nd he didnt think Bruc culd love him. Bruc shak head. Silly Alferd, he said. You were liek my fathr. I love u like I love fater. Not in perv way, in famile way.

Tehn he hug Alferd, NOT KISS. Alferd got mad. "I am not you're Father stupid! I love u like for real!" He ment in perv way.

Bruc knew he could not do dis. His parentz wuld not approv.

That… that’s the only reason?

But Alferd knew he must hav a chacne, cuz when Batman was in high School he tell Alferd, Im comin out as bi.

So… so many questions are packed into this sentence. It’s kind of beautiful.

I like man. And so Alferd had hop.

Reminder: Look for Zootopia fanfiction at some point. Preferably something clean because bad Zootopia erotica would make me sad.

He was man, Bruc was man, they could have relasionsihp! He tell Batman and Batman got anger and lef.

Sounds like most of my relasionsihps.

Chapter 3

p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-align: center;" align="center" /p

Hm, okay. Well first off, you’re going to have a lot of problems if you don’t put your html tags in greater-than/less-than signs. Also, while technically valid, it’s not a great idea to spread your styling across a class, a style attribute, and an align attribute. Just a class would be much cleaner. Martin, thoughts?

The obviousness of this being generated from something automatic and the laziness of the author to leave it in when his upload appeared like this amazes me.

p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi;" /spanspan style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"Chapter Three/span/p

Hm, Times New Roman. Not the best font choice for the web, but again, technically valid.

The switching from 12 to 14 point font feels too small to really feel like a difference.

Mm, also, now that you bring it up, that font size is 12.0pt. I’m not even sure if you technically can have a non-integer value for pt without it just cutting the decimal off.

There are half points in some word processors, Word for example goes to the half point. Not sure where you need that much accuracy other than trying to get to that two page minimum on that assignment you procrastinated on.

p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi;" Becauz Batman was marrye now, he foghtu crime with Cat Woman.

Sounds like a fun date. Not even sarcasm.

She wore sexy spandeks that show cruves and he wore batsuit but this time wit ring on finger to show faithful.

Hey nobody Google image-search degloving unless you want to vomit and/or you have a strong stomach. Instead, just take my word for it that wearing a ring into acrobatics/battle is a really bad idea.

He would not loose ring cuz he purpsely attacked it to finger with bat glue and taht never fails.

BATGLUE.

They fogt Penguin Joker Two Face Mr. Freeze n more. Cat Woman was bettr fighter than Batman so he mostly lookd at her butt whil she pulld a ton of moves none of the othrs had ever sen.

Well, until now.

Bat Man thought she mut have improvved sinc she was villan, maybe she traind 2 get fit for wedding! Whatver it was, she was kickin butt! He was soooo happy to marryd her. /span/p

If the span is going to be the size of the entire paragraph, you could really just get away with the paragraph tag. There are some cases where having both is useful, but—

BORING!

Okay.

p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi;" Tjhen they were back in the Bat Cave and she want too take hot bubbel bath wit dimonds in it

That sounds very uncomfortable.

(she can cuz seh is rich now!) so batman leve her alone and sat on his bed alon and very dejeckted. He lookd down at his sexy chest hair becauz he alredy took off his bat suit nd sighde in his deep and gruf voice. I wish I had parent, he say. Wait no i dont he rethort becauz if they were here tehy wouldn't let me date Alferd! Wait waht? He culdn't belev what he just thot! An then he had mentel conflickt crisis.

When did you get here?

/span/p

p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi;" When crisis over he kno what 2 do. He will hav affair wit Alferd!

Brilliant!

Cat Woman will neve r suspeckt becauze he has plan will thro her off trail. She get out of tub an he tell her he is straihgt. (He lie) Cat Woman belive him! Dey made out but Batman didnt liek it.

Didn’t he say he was bi? Previous writing would suggest he lieks Catwoman, especially the marrying part.

I just like picturing the dialogue in that scene.
“~Honey, I’m straight!”
“I believe you Bruce! Let’s make out then!”
“Ew, gross. I mean, okay!”

He tought about Alferd. /span/p

p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi;"Cat Woman sleep. Batmsn creept out of Bat Cave to Alferd's bedroom in Wain Interprizus. Knocked on door HELLO? Alferd moand. Batman thot moan was hot. Im tirred Master Wain, said Alferd annoyed. Ive come to have affair, said Bruc. Tehn they had affair!

They had to keep quit cuz Cat Woman might here them, but it still wsa good./span/p

p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi;"After throgh, Bruc and Alferd layed in bed and Alferd put arm arond Bruc very comfort. "I see youve come to except who you really are, Bruc." Alferd whisperd. A hot rich bisekshul? ask Bruc joking.

Joking? Fucking life goals right here, man.

Alferd laugh becauz he was so funny and had good humuor. Bruc didnt laugh cuz he does not laugh at his own jokes becauze that would be presumptepost. /span/p

p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-bidi;"Then Alferd touched Bruc's leg eroticly. U have a nice bod, Master Wain. I kno Alferd. Sigh. /span/p

Poor Wayne, all they want is his body, and his money.

Chapter 4

Bruc and Alferd began a secert love affair four many week. They hid form Cat Woman very expertly UNTIL IT WENT WORNG.

:O

Dis how it happnd.

Cat Woman was suppoz too be out killin baddys one night and Bruc and Alferd were in batcae having passhonat smex. But den Cat Woman couldnt find enough ppl commitig crimes

In Gotham? She must not have looked hard enough.

so she came to the Batcave early nd TEHRE WA BRUC AND ALFERD WIT NO CLOTHE!1!

She smash Alferd on teh head with a big dimond. (she keept it in her pocket)

I’m seriously questioning how much money is left in the Wayne treasury at this point.

Well she is a cat burgler.

WHAT DO YOU TGNIK YOU ARE DOIN CUZ WE ARE MARRYD! said Cat Woman shouting. Batman try to explain like, Selinna I love you! He looked at her wit deep saphirre eye and taer falls down chek sweetly.

Get out of here with your weak sapphire game, this is diamond-tier.

Cat Woman was not amuse and she tole him she wanted divorec. She will sue him fro all his billion! she will NOT go dwon without fight she said. He proms to give her all the money if she just stay but no.

She leved.

Batmn wep.

He beat on pilow with 1 strong fist and cri "why me god?" (Batman was Christan but he didnt go to chruch becauz he was to mysteros. Then he thoght mahybe this would be a opportune to think.

Okay, we’re never leaving this parenthetical. If we lined up all of our reviews in one massive document, I wonder how many layers of unclosed parentheses/quotation marks we’d be in by this point.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))).

Phew.

He tho ght about how loving Alferd has ben to him all time, he is so kind. But Cat Wmon is so tuf and strong. He was so conflickted as he wipes cheek and wimpers. He feel sucidel and need som1 too love him. Gasp! Alferd!

Alferd came. He tok off Batmans shirt and stroke his Chest and kiss Batrmans neck. He started to bit but Batman NO, Cat Woman might see hickie.

Oh no, it’s like he wrote this before she knew about the affair.

C:\Users\hekehwrites\Desktop\lots%20of%20Alferd%20x%20bATmn%20smut.txt

so Alferd just licked a litle. Batman rubed his hand on Alferd's leg and tehn unzipped pant.

U kno what happend next (hint, was sex haha).

Haha me too thanks

I forgot some. )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).