Review #190

A Piece Of My Heart

Team Fluffwrights and Team Sex Doctors equip their proton packs and go head-to-head with a creepypasta.




So, this story is actually okay. In fact, compared to what we usually review, it’s uncanny in how innocent it is. But surrounding the story, there are so many oddities that I can’t help but feel like this is a genius-level creepy pasta. I’ll explain as we go.

Mr. Thompson, if you’re doing a creepypasta then count me in!

Oh hey Berry um… Fluff told me to stay away from you.

Fuck what Fluff said, he’s not here right now is he? Besides, you can trust a guy like me right?


I don’t know, I’ll have to ask an adult. Hent, can I trust him?

Only one way to find out. Trust fall!


I was hoping for a spike fall, but that’ll surfice.

It’s first part of June. Melody, James, and the kids are in Whitby visiting James’s family. James and Melody are cuddling on his bed. James is gently rubbing Melody’s stomach as they cuddle. He then notices that she’s extremely pale.

James - Hey, you ok honey?
Melody - I’m not feeling too great.
James - What’s the matter honey?
Melody - I feel really nauseous.

A woman in a story is nauseous? Well shit, when’s the baby due? I mean, that’s the only reason women ever get nauseous, isn’t it?

Are you suggesting this is a child of the devil story?


James - When did this start?
Melody - Yesterday

Am I reading a story or am I reading a script?

Ray - If it’s a script, I think it’s formatted wrong.

Mart - If it’s not a script, I still think it’s formatted wrong.

Whatever format is used they better not fuck up the creepy factor with it.

So far it’s only creepiness is a slight undertone of rapey.

James - Do I need to run you to the ER or urgent care?
Melody - I think we should go to the hospital to see what’s wrong.

Ooh nice, a creepy hospital fic my favorite!

I think we should celebrate summer break with a beach episode. But noooooo. Let's do a Creepypasta.

Creepypastas are great all year round.

James - Ok babe I’ll take you to the hospital.

So you might be wondering, “Who are these people?” Well, on the summary page for this story, there are some pictures and descriptions.

Are they all bloody and creepy?

On the surface… no.


But there’s one in particular that caught my eye.


Made up name, nothing too weird about it. But if we reverse-image search the picture…


…yeah. I mean, it’s just one thing in bad taste, so maybe the author didn’t know. Maybe.

… not sure if I should be present for this story.

They get up from James’s bed. They go downstairs. James tells his mom that he’s running Melody to the doctor cuz she’s not feeling good. They arrive at the hospital.


All better! Story over.

One of the nurses puts James and Melody in a room. The doctor, who is James’s cousin, on call comes into the room to see what’s wrong with Melody.

Fiction psychic here. I already diagnosed her. She’s pregnant.

Get this woman 69cc of tentacles stat!

Doctor Molly - Alright Mel what seems to be the problem?
Melody - I’m really nauseous.
Doctor Molly - When did this start?

Melody - Yesterday when I gave my soul to Satan.

I’m not the writer, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t say that.

But man wouldn’t it have made the story so much less boring.

Alright, let’s dive into part 2 of my theory on why this is a creepypasta.


This story was found on www.hockeyfanfiction.com: why the fuck would this be on a site for hockey? Also, why does a site for hockey fanfiction exist in the first place? Pretty spooky if you ask me.


Spooky enough for me.

Melody - Yesterday and I had some slight cramping too.
Doctor Molly - Alright I’m going to run some tests on you so we can figure out what’s wrong with you.

Dr - Here, go pee on this stick.

Melody - Ok

The doctor runs a whole battery of tests on Melody.


A few hours later the doctor comes back with the test results.

Doctor Molly - I have the tests results.
Melody - So what’s wrong with me?

Doctor Molly - You’re possessed by a demon.

I can see why Fluff dislikes you.

I’m not the one that promised a certain person a creepypasta.


We’ll go over the evidence soon enough.

Doctor Molly - You’re pregnant.


Fucking called it.


The baby turns out to be Sonic.exe


Speaking of babies!


Of the eight characters listed in this story, why are five of them depicted as babies, even though characters like James clearly aren’t? I’ll tell you why: psychological disorders such as repression and arrested development, because this is a creepypasta!

I think it’s creepy enough that this author has invested this much on fictional characters.

Those sound like fighting words! If you wish to do battle then prepare yourself for… Hold on… Zoom and enhance!



This story just got a whole lot better.

Melody - Wow, I wasn’t expecting that news. What about you sweetie?
James - (Smiles) I sure wasn’t but I like the idea of adding to our family.
Doctor Molly - I would like keep you overnight.

Why tho? That seems completely unnecessary, unless—


This story is a creepypasta. I just know it. It’s too innocent to be anything else.

If Fluff wants to see his friend’s souls intact it better be.

Ha! Jokes on you, I gave that up a long time ago.

Melody - Alright
James - Can I stay with her Molls?

I feel like he knows the doctor better than Melody at this point.

Doctor Molly - Of course you can stay with your beautiful wife.

I’m happy we finally had some exposition thrown in our face, well said Molls.

Did anyone else find that line slightly rapey?

James - Thanks Molls
Doctor Molly - Anything for my favorite cousin. I will move you guys to another room.
Melody - Ok

James’s cousin

Wohh, now she’s just James’s cousin? She was Molls just a second ago.

Anyone else find the rapey vibes growing stronger?

The creepypasta vibe is definitely going up.

has Melody moved to another room on the pregnancy floor. Melody is taken up to her room for the night. She is put on an IV with medication for her nausea. James sits on the bed beside her and smiles as he runs his fingers through her hair. He then gives her a kiss.

Wait… why is she staying the night it they just learned that she was pregnant? Isn’t the baby like 9 month away from now?

It must be acting like a beast inside her...wink wink nudge nudge.

James - I love you baby.
Melody - I love you too sweetie.
James - You feeling better babe?
Melody - A little bit. I think the medication is making me sleepy.
James - Then just close your eyes honey.



Melody - Will you stay with me?
James - Of course I will.

Molls - Goodnight you two.

James takes off his shoes and then lays down on the bed.

Well THANK THE ALMIGHTY LORD ABOVE THAT JAMES ISN’T A NEANDERTHAL WHO WEARS HIS SHOES IN BED. Fucking heathens.

But he does wear his socks.

Melody snuggles up to him and goes right to sleep.

No sexy time? Worst story ever… of all time.

James calls his mom and tells her that Melody has to stay overnight at the hospital. He smiles and then sighs at the thought that Melody is pregnant again. He kisses the top of her head and then wraps his arm around her. He closes his eyes and is asleep a short time later until the next morning. It’s the next morning.

Thanks.

Good Morning.

Melody is released from the hospital. She is given a prescription for anti-nausea pills to take throughout her pregnancy.

Probably given by Molls.

James and Melody leave the hospital. They stop and the drug store to pick Melody’s pills. They then head back to James’s parents house. When they get back they go up to James’s bedroom and start cuddling on his bed.

Melody - James?
James - Yeah babe?
Melody - I love you.
James - I love you too honey.
Melody - I’m sorry for not feeling good.

Ugh, that line literally made me cringe.

James - It’s ok baby. I’ll take care of you just like I did when your were pregnant the other two times.

Really? The beginning of the story made it seem like these two lovebirds were on their first child, but three? Lady, how have you not seen the signs before?

I also like how he speaks in a way that no human would speak. “I am comforting you my wife who I love. I will take care of you just like I did when you were pregnant with our first child Deter and our second child Harper who was born one year after Deter :) :) :)”


+1 for creepypasta.

Melody - Aww, I know you will.

Just then little Deter comes into the room and crawls on the bed. He crawls over to Melody and gives her a hug. Melody smiles and hugs him back.

Deter - Mommy otay?


The ovaries are exploding.

Melody - Yes, baby, I’m ok. I just have stomach bug.

Let the creepypasta commence.



(First search for baby bugs thought it was too good to pass up).


I’ll be fine.
James - Hey, little man. Why don’t we go downstairs so Mommy can rest.
Deter - Otay Daddy

This physically hurts.

James scoops up Deter when Melody falls asleep. He carries Deter down the stairs and then puts him down when they reach the bottom. Deter runs off to play with his toys James goes into the kitchen and finds his mom washing lunch dishes

The joke for this story is that nothing bad will happen.

Deborah - How’s Mel doing?
James - She’s up in my room napping.
Deborah - So what’s wrong with her?
James - She’s going to kill me for spilling the beans.
Deborah - Oh my god. Are you two having a baby?

Mart - This conversation is so boring and predictable that I’m interjecting myself. Plz enjoy this picture of a pepe.



Hent - Ray! Look before you throw your rage!

Ray - My bad.

James - We didn’t want to say yet anything but yes we are.

Ray - What didn’t you yet want to say about?

Deborah - Aww, that is so great. Explains why she’s been sick.
James - I was hoping she wasn’t going to be as sick as last time.

Wait, so if he was hoping beforehand, that means they were trying to have another baby! How was this so surprising that they had to see a doctor about the mystery nausea?


Oh well. I’m going back to listening to 80s soft rock. Which, as you can see from a couple of my spooky screenshots, is what I’ve totally been doing during this review.

Deborah - Aww, well you’ll just have to take extra good care of her then.
James - Do we have any chicken soup for her to eat later if she’s up to eating?
Deborah - There’s some in the freezer that I froze after your sister was sick with the flu last month.

CAN THE AUTHOR MAKE THIS SOMEWHAT FUCKING INTERESTING! I FEEL LIKE I’M READING THE SCRIPT TO A FULL HOUSE EPISODE FOR FUCK SAKE!

Well it’s better than reading a script for Fuller House.

James - Ok good. I’ll take it out and heat it up for Mel later.
Deborah - Aww, it’s sweet that you care for her as much as you do.
James - I just love her so much that it kills me when she’s sick.

You’re almost there keep going!

Deborah - I know you love her lots. You should go out and get her some flowers and her favorite chocolate. That would make her feel better.
James - That’s a good idea.
Deborah - You should also have the kids make a card for her.
James - That would really make her smile.

Okay, here’s reason zero for why this has to be a creepypasta: if it isn’t creepy, then there is no conflict. And part of me just refuses to believe that a story can exist outside of some sort of tension.

Are you saying after all the shit I read so far, this isn’t even a creepypasta, and not even a bad one?

Seems like it.

YOU’VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!


Is… is he dead?

Nah, if it was that easy to kill him I’d have done it months ago.

Oh hey Fluff. When did you get here?

Around the time the baby was announced, Berry was around and I like to keep my distance from him as much as possible.

Well welcome to the party.

I wonder how many people in the audience have no clue what is happening.

I wonder how many people are in the audience.

Just then Deter comes into the kitchen and hugs James’s legs. James smiles and then scoops him up.

Deter - Daddy I ungry.

Oh baby talk my favorite.


Oh come on Ray, I just got into the review and you already kill yourself.


*Cough cough*, ugh. Don’t worry, I feel better.

James - Ok buddy I’ll get you your lunch.
Deter - Ok Daddy
James - How about you go make a card for Mommy to make her feel better while I make your lunch.
Deter - Ok Daddy


Everything about this story sucks. From the bland dialogue to the bland characters this story has no story. It’s Knocked Up if you removed all the funny bits. What’s the plot, the mom getting pregnant? Okay, that can make a story, but the way the characters act and talk to themselves is too realistic that it causes the reader to lose all interest in the story.

James puts Deter down. Deter runs off

Quick! To the laboratory!


You do realize it says Deter. Not Dexter.


to go make a card for Melody. James smiles as he and his mom continue to talk.

Holy shit, this story is kinda like My Inner Life: it is just blatantly the author’s fantasy life and nothing else. Like, by all means, have a fantasy life. I’m just sayin’, maybe don’t feel so compelled to post it.

Deborah - He really is a sweet little boy.
James - He really is and I would have loved him all the same had he not been my real son.


Wut.

Wut.

Deborah - I know you would have.

James takes some soup out of the freezer and throws it in the microwave to heat up.

Please do a internal monologue of him waiting for the food inside the microwave, I’m positive it’ll make this story five times more interesting.

Just then Melody comes down stairs and comes into the kitchen. She sits at the kitchen table. James then joins her. He takes a hold of her hand and smiles.

James - You feeling better babe?
Melody - I’m ok. I was starting to get hungry.

OH REALLY!? HOW CONVENIENT!!!


James - I’m heating up some chicken soup for you to eat if that’s ok.

YEAH I THINK SHE’S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT WITH IT, JESUS TITTY-FUCKING CHRIST.

You called?


Melody - That‘s fine. Did you make Deter his lunch?
James - I will when I’m done warming your soup.
Melody - Ok

Dear diary:
Today I learned how it feels like to be suicidal.

James gives Melody a kiss when Deter comes into the kitchen. James gets up from the table and makes lunch for Deter and Melody. Deter crawls into the chair Melody is sitting in and sits in her lap.

Deter - Love ooo Mommy.


Melody - Aww, I love you too baby.
Deter - (Hands Melody the card he made for her) Made for Mommy.

This is literally making me cringe. Baby talk is bad enough when actual children are doing it, but it gets an order of magnitude worse when an adult is behind it.

Melody - Aww, did Daddy tell you to make a card for me to make me feel better?
Deter - Yes Mommy

Kid is gonna learn the hard way that snitches get stitches.

James then comes back over to table with lunch for Deter, Melody, and himself. They eat and then James picks up the table. Deter runs off to play with his toys while Melody goes back up to James’s room. A little while later James goes up to his room. He sees Melody is sound asleep. He smiles and then joins her on his bed. He covers her with his blanket and then wraps his arms around her so that they’re spooning with one another. He kisses the top of her head and then closes his eyes. He’s asleep a short time later until later that night. A few days later James and Melody get a call from Christian to come to Montreal cuz Elyse is in labor.

Now after that large block of words that I refuse to read, what is the moral of the story Hent?

The moral of the story is -