Review #188

Harry Potter Becomes A Communist

Is communism really better than capitalism? Bah, I say! A plague o' both your houses!




This story is so bad it’s good. In fact, it’s so so bad it’s good, that I can’t help but wonder if it was on purpose. So, in lieu of a Mary Sue Counter for today’s review, let’s start a SBIG Counter.

SBIG Counter: 0

Chapter 1: The New Harry

I dont own HP. JKR does butt it should be owed by the stat cuz privacy property is evil lol.

SBIG Counter: 2


> Butt
> Sweeping political statement followed by lol

btw, Vladimir Putin is the only gif I’m using for the rest of this review. There is no political statement. I just think it’s funny.

Workers of the world urinite!

SBIG Counter: 3

If you flam you have false consciousness.

Your mother has false consciousness.

"Harry, you look different," said Hermione as I joined her and Ron in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express.

Oh, this should be amazing.

I suppose I did. I was wearing an ushanka with a Red Star,

SBIG Counter: 4


a Che Guevara T-shirt,

SBIG Counter: 5

And not even for what’s on the shirt. You can wear a T-shirt with your favoritest communist leader on it. Fine. But oh no, this SBIG strike is for wearing a T-shirt and a winter hat in the same outfit. (The hat is the ushanka. For the record.)

and browline glasses.

…Okay?
SBIG Counter: 5 still?

I had grown a scruffy beard and had had my scar changed from a lightning bolt to a hammer and sickle.

SBIG Counter: 6


"Why are you wearing a shirt with that murderer on it?" asked Hermione as I sat down.

He’s not a murderer, he’s a war hero. Huuuge difference.

"He's not a murderer, he's a soldier," I explained.

Oh hey I just said that. Except I was being obviously sarcastic.

"I'd be offended, but I know you've been brainwashed by the bourgeoisie capitalist establishment.

SBIG Counter: 7

You're suffering from false consciousness."

"What's false consciousness?" asked Ron curiously. I knew he would be more open to communist ideas because he was part of the proletariat, whereas Hermione was part of the bourgeois intelligentsia.

I mean, say what you will, but at least mister HardcoreCommie has done some research. Unlike the fucking libertarian gerontocracy supporters.

"False consciousness is when people think communism is bad," I explained. "Since communism is good, it means they're obviously insane."

Incorrect Definitions in this Paragraph Counter: 1
Logical Fallacy Counter: 2
SBIG Counter: 10

"Harry, are you a communist?" asked Hermione in a quiet voice.

“Hmmmmmmmmmmm, amazing question Hermione, let’s ask the title!”

I could tell she was scared, probably of losing her private property.

SBIG Counter: 11

"As a matter of fact, I am!" I said, knowing I had nothing to be ashamed of. "Uncle Vernon was complaining about communists one day and I decided that anyone hated by Uncle Vernon couldn't be that bad. So I read The Communist Manifesto and discovered how the world really worked."

Completely unrelated to communism, but everybody should do themselves a favor and watch this guide to the futurist art movement. The narrator reads the script with such perfect seriousness that it sounds like the intro to a mockumentary.

"But — but," said Hermione, at a loss for words, "President Reagan said the Soviet Union was the evil empire. He wouldn't have said that if it weren't true!"

Well, it’s exactly as sound as Harry’s reasoning.

I signed, wondering if Hermione was too deep in false consciousness to ever come around to the correct way of thinking.

Chapter 2: Freedom of Speech

AN: Here's chapter II. Any1 who flames haz false consciousness.

SBIG Counter: 12

For using roman numerals in “chapter II”, and regular-ass numerals in “Any1”.

Everyone stared at me as I entered the Entrance Hall, which was the entrance to Hogwarts.

Enter Counter: 3
SBIG Counter: 13

I guessed most people in the wizarding world didn't know about communism, because they just seemed to think I looked weird. That was good. I'd be able to talk to them about communism without having to break through the revulsion conditioned into so many people by western media.

Fair Point Counter: 1
Interesting Premise Counter: 1

Suddenly, Professor McGonagall approached me. Now that I knew about communism, I could see that her face had the smug, satisfied look of bourgeois elitism.

Actually that makes sense, because after I read The Catcher in the Rye, everybody looked like a stupid idiot phony. My point is that Harry/HardcoreCommie might be going through a phase right now.

"You are not permitted to wear that shirt," she said oppressively.

Oppressive SBIG Counter: 14

"Che Guevara was an evil murderer or something."

Laugh all you want, but did you even know that much about him before reading this? Because I sure didn’t.

"HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!" I yelled outrageously. "I FUCKING HAVE FUCKING FREEDOM OF FUCKING SPEECH!"

But you get your freedom of speech from AMERICA, and AMERICA is capitalist! Checkmate atheists!

"Mr. Potter, that kind of language is not allowed in school,"

lol

McGonagall said capitalistly.

SBIG Counter: 15

"Neither is the image of Che Guevara, the hammer and sickle, or other symbols of hate."

"THE FUCKING HAMMER AND THE FUCKING SICKLE ARE NOT FUCKING SYMBOLS OF FUCKING HATE!" I explained.


> explained
SBIG Counter: 16

"THEY FUCKING ARE FUCKING SYMBOLS OF FUCKING PEACE! FUCKING ANTI-COMMUNISM FUCKING LED TO FUCKING IMPERIALIST AND FUCKING RACIST WARS IN FUCKING KOREA AND FUCKING VIETNAM! YOU'RE A FUCKING RACIST!"

Then I put up my middle finger at her

Stop hanging out with Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way goddammit.

and ran into the Great Hall before she could stop me. I couldn't believe racist Professor McGonagall had tried to repress me! It was like Kent State all over again!

Yeah. Just like it. /s

Chapter 3: Dumbledore's Announcement


Sorry, sorry, I know nothing funny has happened yet. But when Dumblydore gets involved in a fanfic, things jump from So Bad it’s Good to So Bad it’s Great.

An: Hadrian Malfoy, Harry did NOT overreact. McGonkical was tring to take away harry's FUCKING BASIC RIGHT of feedom of speek! I think you might be suffering from false consciousness.

“AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!”
-Tara Gilesbie

Further evidence that HardcoreCommie is yanking our chain? Perhaps. But this is so fun to read that I ain’t even mad.

I instantly saw the Great Hall had changed a great deal over the summer. The walls were now covered with gigantic, flashy advertisements.

Sadly plausible.

Everywhere, the glossy and fake images showed the smiling faces of people thrilled to own consumer products made by starving children in Japan!

i dont think japan is the main hub of child labor but i also dont know enough to dispute it

Thoroughly disgusted by these symbols of bourgeois excess, I tried to avoid looking at them as I walked to my seat. As Dumbledore began to walk up to the podium, I saw that he was dressed exactly like the little "Monopoly" man, complete with a top hat!

Yes! If I had confetti, it would be thrown. Dumblydore you glorious man you, never stop being the best.

"Hello, my students," he said, stretching out his arms. "As you've probably noticed, Hogwarts looks a bit different this year. That's because the Ministry of Magic has been spending so much on wars against Voldemort that there's no money left over for Hogwarts. Therefore, I decided it'd be a good idea to privatize the educational system. I don't see any problem with this because I'm a libertarian."

“Furthermore, fuck all of you, I’m Dumbledore. Suck a dick protagonist. That is all.”

I gasped. I had never known Dumbledore was a libertarian! Libertarians had the gall to say they loved freedom while being nothing but corporate shills working tirelessly to make us all slaves to the big capitalists! All the respect I'd ever had for Dumbledore disappeared in an instant.

Because that seems like the rationale of a fair and balanced person.

"This year," said Dumbledore, his face shining with corporate greed, "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is brought to you by... the Bertie Bott's Candy Corporation. Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans: they're a risk with every mouthful! And by the Nimbus Racing Broom Company. Why walk, when you can fly with the Nimbus Racing Broom Company? Additional funding is provided by Gladrags Wizardwear Group, Whizz Hard Books, and Coca-Cola."

Oh, sorry, I have AdBlock on. Didn’t catch that.

My mouth was hanging open. I couldn't believe the extent to which Dumbledore had sold us all out to the capitalists for a buck!

He’s running a school, motherfucker. Do you know how much it costs to run a school?

If I were in his place, I'd have closed Hogwarts before turning it over to evil corporate sponsors!

"And now," Dumbledore continued, "allow me to introduce our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Halliburton Pepsi!"

Sorry, what? Still didn’t quite hear you.

A man in an expensive suit with a briefcase stepped forward. He was obviously a member of the arch-capitalist bourgeois elite.

"Stupid fucking prep."

"Thank you for that introduction, Albus," Professor Pepsi said corporately. "By the way, I want your office."

OH, shoot, I forgot about the SBIG Counter. But that’s okay. Dumblydore is here now. The tally is obvious.

SBIG Counter Boolean: TRUE

"Oh, no problem, Hal!" said Dumbledore, laughing. Professor Pepsi grinned and I felt sick as I realized that that corporate fuck would be the real boss at Hogwarts from now on!

One more chapter? Let’s do one more chapter. We’re not doing all of the chapters, because there are 93 of the fuckers and counting. But let’s do one more chapter.

Chapter 4: False Consciousness

author note: If ya flam ur a useful tool of da BIG CAPITOLIST PIGS ON WAIL STRET

Whatever you say dear.

The feast began and we started to eat the food and shit.

WELL then. That escalated so quickly that I think I’ll need a moment to catch up with it.

I thought of how the house-elves were completely happy with their lot in life and realized that they too had been inflicted with false consciousness.

“Happiness? Not in my regime!”

Hermione had railed against house-elf slavery, but it had accomplished nothing because she hadn't realized that it was just one small part of the larger capitalist system of bourgeois capitalist exploitation.

Big words don’t make you smarter, HardcoreCommie. If you want further proof, look at any of our earlier reviews; we thought that we were smart too. Hell, look at our name: The Retributionists. You think that name came from thin air? That, my friends, is a relic of when I was an insufferable prick, who thought that a bigger thesaurus was the key to winning an argument.

But hey, Retributionists still feels like an unbelievably sharp word; I ain’t even mad that it's still what we call ourselves.

"It's a good thing Hogwarts isn't funded by the government anymore," said Hermione with an air of bourgeois intellectual elitism.

Was it ever though? Like, it’s magic: I doubt that JK Rowling ever took the time to explain it that thoroughly.

"Now the educational system won't be like the post office."

^ Best argument I’ve heard in the entire story.

"YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" I yelled righteously.

^ Second best argument I’ve heard in the entire story.

"Dumbledore has turned us all over to the fucking capitalists! We're they're fucking corporate slaves now!"

*Their. For shame, HardcoreCommie.

"Swearing like that is really unnecessary and comes across as immature," said Hermione oppressively.

Wait, is Hermione the sympathetic character in this story? Nah who am I kidding, it’s Dumblydore.

"How FUCKING dare you!" I yelled. "You say I can't speak my fucking mind after YOU defend the fucking actions of the fucking WAR CRIMINAL Dumbledore!

AM I BEING DETAINED OR AM I FREE TO GO?

I suppose you believe the fucking propaganda we're feed about how we're fighting a 'humanitarian' war!"

"Well, aren't we?" asked Hermione. "Voldemort is bad. I know it's true because that's what the media says."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man

"There is no such thing as a humanitarian war!" I said as I laughed in her face.

But wait, wasn't Che Gwhatever a war hero? I am suffering from false consciousness so hard right now.

"The Ministry doesn't give a FUCK about human rights! War is a product of the military-industrial complex!"

“I read 1984, I know the truth about everything!”

Although seriously, if there’s one thing in that book that’s fucking terrifying, it’s not the war; it’s the surveillance. Because it's happening.

"I don't think that's true," said Hermione from her ivory bourgeois tower of capitalism. "It's the Ministry's duty to kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong."

Well shit, with solid reasoning like that, I guess communism is the solution to all the world’s problems.

At this point, I was so mad at Hermione's bourgeois, close-minded false consciousness that I couldn't say anything. If only she could hear herself and realize what a slave she was to the capitalist imperialists! But it seemed she couldn't. It was so frustrating!

Pretty much, yeah.