Review #185

It Hurts

Choose Your Own Review! Yay!




Hey Ray, do you have a review ready for today?

No, but bear with me, I have an idea.

Hello readers! Welcome to another exciting review from The Retributionists: a panel of critics who are always dedicated to literary excellence. Today we have something new and exciting: it’s a Choose Your Own Review!

Oh, please Ray, tell us more.


This time, we’ll provide the story, and you get to fill in the blank with whatever witty remarks that you want to make!

Hey, I'm Amber.

[Fill in your own sarcastic greeting to the protagonist here!]

I live in a horrible world, where life revolves around finding your soulmate. If you're unfortunate enough to be gay, or lesbian, like Riley, my best friend, then what've you got to live for?

[Fill in your own witty answer here!]

I don't care to find my soulmate. Am I the only one?

[It’s important that you answer every question, no matter how rhetorical. Place your answer here!]

Oh well. Sorry, Society.

[Make a joke about how edgy the protagonist is here!]

I just don't care. I've lived without colour my whole life, I don't need it. I don't ever want to hear anyone hear the exact words: "You okay? Be careful. Oh. Oh, it's you."

[If you know what the narrator is trying to say right now, then please, let us know here!]

I mean, what kind of a first words greeting is that? I dunno, but it's on my necklace. And I have acquired many, many, random scratches and bruises. You idiot, be careful.

[Flip a coin! if it’s heads, offer some legitimate storytelling advice that could help this writer improve upon their future works. If it’s tails, make a dick joke!]

Least I know he or she is out there somewhere. Yes, I said 'or she' even though I'm a girl. I don't care, Society.

[Make a callback to the earlier joke about how edgy this protagonist is!]

My best friend is lesbian.

[Find a link to a gif of sexy lesbians and paste it here!]

And she is proud of that, as am I. What's wrong with it?

[Flip a coin! If it’s heads, console the protagonist, telling her that there’s nothing wrong with being lesbian at all. If it’s tails, make a dick joke!]

F*** you, Society. F***. You.

[Make a joke about how the protagonist is so edgy that she censored her edginess for the safety of the readers! Now that we’ve gotten you started with the prologue, finish reviewing the rest of the story on your own!]

Wasn’t that fun?

It was a blatant cop out because you wrote this review at the last minute. But yes.

Good enough for me. Bye everybody! The new website is coming soonish, and when it does, we’ll be diving headfirst into Blood Raining Night.