Review #156

Childhood Lost




Ray, why must you live in the most stereotypical villain house there is?

I’m an author now, where else am I supposed to live?

Right, well since it’s a dark and stormy night, I figure it’s a perfect time to finish of the horribifuckus writing of Link’s Queen.

Authors notes:

And the first word is missing an apostrophe, we’re off to a terrific start.

Well seems like I’m at it all over again. I’m flying right threw

Oh goddammit with this typo.

Welcome back.

these song fics. ^_^ Now this one is going to focus on Princess Zelda.

Let me take a guess. It’s going to be about her overcoming her feelings for Link after he married you. Wild stab in the dark.

 

I’ll take dumb shit Mary Sues say for 200 Trebek.

After Link defeated Gannon, they made a decision not to go back in time, but to stay in the present and live their lives as current adults.

Wait, am I wrong? Is Link’s Queen finally done putting herself in stories? It’d be my fucking birthday.

Life seems to resume for Zelda, but then it seems that life is not turning out the way she expected and she soon comes to the realization that maybe, just maybe she grew up too soon. Again this one is based on another one of Mariah Carey’s songs called “Close my Eyes”

Alright, let’s give it a listen.

(Yep you might have guessed it, Marian Carey is my fave artist)

Really, I thought it was Nickelback.

Rated PG 13 for adult langue and themes.

Is it really adult language if you can’t fucking spell language?

Disclaimer:

This story exists?

And the disclaimer is of course vastly different than the author’s note, so I’m glad we could keep them distinct.

Ok I know I do not own Princess Zelda, Link or any of the other Zelda peeps. They belong to Nintendo (Though I wish I owned Link hehehe).

Didn’t she make that joke in literally all of the other stories?

Every. Single. Fucking. Time. It wasn’t funny in the first one, and it hasn’t grown on me since then.

I’m just borrowing them for my stories.

Borrowing, huh? Why do I get the feeling that once you’re done with them, Nintendo won’t want them back?

Childhood Lost

   

Tears of a Rose

Nnnnooope, fuck it, I’m out!

 

Oh don’t be such a bitch.

Good point.

Darkness, red eyes, fires of a raging hell surrounded her, the hideous laugh cackled threw her ears as she sat suspended inside her crystal prison.

Goddammit. That is the purplest prose I have ever seen, and I’m fucking purple! This is worse than A Lost Rose!

What the hell are you talking about?

[Editor’s Note: TV Tropes! Review #149!]

Her eyes widened with horror as she watched the final blow being struck, the mighty sword clanked to the ground as Hyrule’s last hope crashed to the floor, pools of blood surrounding him She cried, screamed and clawed to break free of her prison, but to no avail.

What scene are we even in right now?

At first I thought it was when Link was fighting Ganon, but she wasn’t in a prison. Hell, she kind of helped deliver the final blow.

Then those hideous red eyes stared at her, stared deep into her soul, sending shivers of a paralyzing fear down her spine and she knew that within those eyes that the beast was coming for her,

Phrasing.

ready to remove the piece of the Triforce that she held within her.

That has to be an innuendo.

Her blue eyes widened,

We checked, they’re blue.

Well, the story is perfect, guess we should go home. Bye everyone!

Biiitch…

Fine.

her screams tore into the air as she watched the hands of death slowly reach for her,

When did Zelda become a pussy? A quivering pussy?

I would just feel better about this if I knew:

  1. Where we are
  2. Who we’re there with
  3. Why any of it matters

I get that it might be a cold open, but those are supposed to be interesting, not just confusing.

until its cold fingers were around her neck, choking the very life out of her. She coughed as she felt her lungs struggling for air, her body twisting under the beast’s grip, her wide eyes looking down into the beasts just before unconsciousness claimed her…

Zelda sat up in her bed;

Oh god dammit.

Son of a…

Fuck you it’s a dream? FUCK YOU IT’S A DREAM?

FYIAD, BITCHES!!!

Thanks Hent, that should be all.

Glad to help.

her face flushed a deathly white as sweat beaded her face. That was the fourth night in a row she had that nightmare, and as always it made her wake up drenched in a cold sweat. She rose from her bed and went to her window. The moon was full in the shy and shadows of trees on Hyrule Field stretched under its glow. She had wondered what the dreams meant;

That you’re gonna die.

they made little sense

Yeah we already covered that.

but were always horrific.

Or confusing.

But the scariest thing about the dreams was that Link died in it each time and then Gannondorf came to remove her piece of the Triforce.

So this must take place…

Never?

Well, after Link pulled out the master sword and travelled seven years in the future, she would know she had the triforce. But the only problem is that she’s looking over the field of Hyrule, and… fuck it you’re right, this doesn’t work in any Zelda timeline, I put way too much thought into this.

Well don’t you feel foolish.

Wait, I got it now. Clearly it’s just a checkpoint of Link fighting Ganon and losing, then going back to his last save point. Now don’t you feel foolish.

That almost works, except when Link starts from a checkpoint, he wakes up in his bed. So this is clearly Zelda losing and starting from her last checkpoint.

We are so smart.

Zelda looked down at the top of her right hand. A soft glow emanated from the Triforce of Wisdom that was imbedded in her hand.

No no, everyone knows that to activate the triforce your body has to have a seizure of spastic arm movements. That’s just a fact.

She had often wondered if having the piece of the Triforce was a curse, but she knew that even if it was, she and Link were the chosen ones to carry a part of its power. If it had not imbedded those parts of itself inside her and Link, Gannondorf might have just succeeded in conquering Hyrule and their lives would have been lived in darkness.

I don’t know if Link’s Queen played the games, but Ganondorf conquered the shit out of Hyrule.

And on multiple occasions. There are entire splinters of the timeline dedicated to when and how Ganondorf takes over the world.

But…but what would have happened to the Triforce pieces that were in them if she had decided to send Link and herself back in time?

It’s hard to say, but we do know one thing; Jenna would still find a way to steal Link from you.

Would things have been different, would her life have changed for the better? It seemed to her that her life had just gotten harder ever since that day, the day her and Link decided that they wanted to remain in their adult forms and continue on with their lives from there.

Wait, so what the fuck was the dream? I’m so confused again.

You had best unfuck yourself, Link’s Queen.

But she had started to feel as if a part of her had been lost, felt as if she had never lived her childhood.

That’s probably because she never lived her childhood.

She felt as if the weight of the world fell on her tender shoulders

I’m calling bullshit on her “tender” shoulders, and I barely even played Ocarina of Time.

so suddenly from the day she became a full grown adult. “I’m not ready yet to take my place as queen, I feel it’s not my time yet.” Zelda whispered to herself.

You know there is a really simple solution to all of this; just take the Ocarina of Time from Link. It’s six buttons dude, I don’t see your problem.

“What happened to me?What happened to my childhood?” “I felt as if I have never lived it.”

“Oh god,” “I almost forgot about the “quotes.”

She opened the windows to her balcony and stepped out into the cool night air, the gentle breeze of the night blew gently threw her blonde locks.

Gentle breeze is gentle, got it.

She raised her head skyward

A reference to Skyward Sword or a random choice of words? You decide!

and stared at the small twinkling lights the lined the night sky. “What has happened to me since that day seven years ago?” “Why do I feel as if I have been sent astray?”

Because you fucking have.

Also, am I the only one noticing something missing from this songfic yeah a song.

“Have I really succumb to the effects of the stress that has been placed upon me as a princess ready to become queen?”

Holy shit, I dare somebody to diagram that sentence. I bet it looks like the Big Dipper.

“But the feeling feels more then that: it’s a feeling of fear, loneliness, abandonment, horror, and trepidation.” “I feel that I have become lost, as if I’m not even supposed to be here.”

It’s like you’re not supposed to fucking be there!

“What am I to do now?” “Where do I go from here?”

Link’s house. Solves two problems really: you being stuck here, and the loneliness.

“I was wayward child With the weight of the world That I held deep inside Life was a winding road And I learned many things Little ones shouldn't know”

I’m not convinced that was a sentence. I think Link’s Queen just knocked her box of cliches onto the page and went with it.

Honestly, I just think she took a bunch of song titles and threw them in there.

“But I closed my eyes Steadied my feet on the ground Raised my head to the sky And though time's rolled by I still feel like a child As I look at the moon Maybe I

grew up A little too soon”

Oh wait a minute, this is the song! That’s why there’s the random capitalization! She turned the song into prose and didn’t even bother to make it work as fucking prose!

“I have seen far too much in my days, and the weight of a near century's

amount of stinging memories are finally beginning to unveil themselves in

full force as I remember those seven years of horror Gannondorf placed upon this

land” “But for a reason I still do not understand, I cannot help but feel

cheated, wronged, as if this whole occurrence should never have happened.”

Yeah so I zoned out at clause three of that sentence, and I don’t feel like retracing my steps, so hopefully there was nothing important in there.

Dude it’s Link’s Queen; is there ever anything important in there?

“I feel as if my entire life has been stolen from me.” Zelda felt her enchanted

blue eyes well up with stinging tears

She might want to see a doctor about that.

as the wrenching thoughts of the past plagued her mind like a torrential storm. “First thing I knew, I was a care free child, running around and playing all day long without a worry in the world, then all of the sudden he came.” “His blood red eyes pierced my soul as the evil that surrounded him, raged devastatingly threw my innocent dreams.”

So do we have a story yet? Like, any story, at all? Because so far the only action has been Zelda bitching about a problem that she could solve fairly easily. In fact, it’s a problem she did solve in the canon!

There was a scary dream. Don’t forget the scary dream.

“Then a small light of hope showed up in the Palace Garden one day.” “As I turned to see the figure in green with the small blue fairy floating by his head,

HEY, LISTEN!

I saw the glimmer of hope that I had seen so many times in my haunted dreams.”

You mean that same glimmer of hope that died?

Yeah, that one.

“With his help we planed on overthrowing

You didn’t plan shit, you gave him a song.

the greatest evil to ever show up in Hyrule,

Jenna?

but it seemed that with all the courage and valor we placed into his quest, Gannondorf managed to over throw my father and proceeded to take over Hyrule.”

Warnuts and I spent the last fifteen minutes discussing what timeline we could possibly be in right now. We’ve got nothin’.

“I still remember the fear in Link’s eyes that day Impa and I fled the castle on horseback.” “I swear I will never forget that for as long as I live.”

“Never had I imagined that leaving the sacred Ocarina with Link would give Gannondorf the way into the Sacred Realm.”

Oh my god shut up and tell a story. This is not a story. This is you reminiscing about a story while simultaneously not telling the story, and that would almost be impressive if it weren’t fucking annoying.

“When Link entered the Temple of Time and pulled the scared Master Sword from the Pedestal of Time, his entire being was trapped inside the Sacred Realm and thus started the seven years of darkness.”

Yes, anyone who played the game would fucking know this shit.

“Funny how one can learn To grow numb to the madness And block it away I left the worst unsaid Let it all dissipate And I try to forget”

This is the song again, and it’s sad that I wouldn’t have known that if it weren’t for the random capitalization.

“But I closed my eyes Steadied my feet on the ground Raised my head to the sky And though time's rolled by Still feel like a child As I look at the moon Maybe I grew up A little too soon”

Okay, I’m gonna let everyone in on a little secret. When I’m chilling out on fukitol and listening to music, it’s not uncommon for songs to remind me of stories I’ve written. But you know what I don’t do? Force the songs into my fucking stories. It would be pointless, annoying, and it wouldn’t make much sense. But, that’s where we’re at with Link’s Queen, and you can see for yourself how that turned out.

“I lived those seven years on the run, living in fear that Gannondorf was going to catch up with me and do something drastic, something so scary that it scared the living shit out of me.” “There were even times where Gannondorf almost caught up with me, the intentions of a deadly desire that shown in his face caused my heart and soul to wrench with twisted fear.”

For a while there I didn’t know what was a metaphor and what was a dream and what was reality, but then I remembered that it’s all bullshit anyways.

“ And I knew that if he ever caught up with me, my life as I knew it would’ve come to an end.” “But I survived for those seven long years and at the end, my greatest hope was rekindled when the boy I met years before, showed up as a full grown handsome young man holding the sacred Legendary Master Sword.”

So how do we get from this point to the point where she’s no longer interested and Jenna takes over? Because it has to happen eventually.

“Dressed in Sheikahs garb, I followed the “Hero of Time” as he journeyed

to each of the five Temples and freed each of the trapped sages that were held

captive within them.” “After he obtained all six medallions, the last part of

his destiny was to fight the King of Evil himself.” “But before he made his way

to Gannon’s castle he had to stop at the Temple of Time for an unexpected

meeting.” “It was there that I revealed myself as Princess Zelda and not a male

sheikah.”

This really isn’t fanficton, so much as retelling the canon, only shittier.

Basically.

“Explaining his destiny to him, it was then that I revealed to him

what Gannondorf had done to Hyrule in his absence, and that he did not obtain

the complete Triforce, but that two of the pieces were hidden in the both of

us.”

Who is she talking to? Why is this in quotes?

“Just when I thought all my hopes were finally answered, Gannondorf came and trapped me inside a crystal prison.” “It was then I knew that Gannondorf found out were the two missing pieces of the Triforce were hidden.” “And it was then that all my fears had come true.” “Nearing the edge Obvious I almost Fell right over A part of me Will never be quite able To feel stable That woman-child falling inside Was on the verge of fading Thankfully I Woke up in time”

And we’re back to the song, and it was pointless. What a surprise.

“It felt like a living nightmare as I hung suspended inside that crystal prison, watching the twisted desire wash over Gannondorf’s face as he felt the “Hero of Time’s” presence getting closer with each step he took.” “But I knew that Gannondorf had more in store for Link then he knew.”

This shit is so long I could’ve watched an entire Ocarina of Time playthrough before she was done.

“I could tell that within those horrific blood red eyes, he had a plan of twisted evil ready for Link when he arrived at the top of his tower of darkness.”

Have we tried seeing this story from Ganon’s perspective? Maybe he turned Hyrule into a utopia, but we never really saw past the dark appearance.

“And it was the end result of those plans that looked grim.” “But I waited and watched as the pieces of the Triforce began to glow when all three felt their presence after Link entered room.”

I was going to say, “All in favor of skipping this shit,” but that would probably be the rest of this story.

…Aye.

“And all I was able to do was watch in horror as Link was forced into a torrential battle with Gannondorf when he would not give up his piece of the Triforce.” “There were times during that fight where I honestly thought that Gannondorf was so close to winning that I started to give up on my hope for a different future.”

Did anyone actually struggle to fight Ganondorf? You play tennis, hit him with an arrow, repeat. I had a harder time with Mido than Ganondorf.

“Though I was wrong, Link did emerge victorious and succeeded in defeating the Great King of Evil, but our happy rejoice was soon to be interrupted.” “That was when Gannondorf tried to crash that damn cursed castle down on top of us.” “Thankfully we got out in time, but we soon came to the realization that the battle was not really over.”

Hey Warnuts, want to give up on this story and play Ocarina of Time because it’s the exact same thing but enjoyable?

Fuck it!

 

“I watched in horror as Link went to check out a disturbing noise among the ruins and was trapped inside a circle of fire.” “Then the worst of all nightmares had reared its ugly head.”

“I… am… Tara’s Queen!”

Hay! Rule #5 in our employee handbook! No My Inner Immortal crossovers!

“That damned beast Gannon, leaching off the Triforce of Power had returned as a gigantic monstrous beast.” “And when that fowl monster from hell knocked the Master Sword from Link’s grasp,

“He had to fight Ganon with a broken Giant’s Knife, because he didn’t know how to make that shit unbreakable.”

I thought this time for sure, it was going to be over for our only hope for a brighter future.” “Guardian angel I Sail away on an ocean With you by my side Orange clouds roll by They burn into your image And you're still alive (You're always alive)”

So we were listening to the song in the background of this review, and it was so unremarkable that we tuned it out and I didn’t catch any of the lyrics. I’m so glad that we could see them in text form here, because it just proves how unremarkable they are.

“But even as a wise sage…again I was wrong.” “Link over came the beast because of the courage and wisdom he held within his iron-forged soul.” “He stood steadfast, held his all against the towering odds that loomed before him, and with that he put the beast to rest once and for all….or so we thought.”

“Then we were standing there, surrounded by nothingness as Link and I contemplated whether or not we should reverse time and start over again.”  “And even though we didn’t,  fate led me down this path for a good reason; it wouldn't lead me astray.” “…..Or so I thought.”

“Or so I thought… again…”

“Now here I am, befuddled and confused.”

Wait, are we finally done with that stupid ass flashback?

I don’t know, I’m befuddled and confused and bewildered and other synonyms for the same fucking thing.

“I can no longer be sure of anything anymore; Ganondorf's wake has made it so that this world is plagued with such chaotic twists of fate and sudden change that I can no longer follow fate's trail anymore.” “I feel as if I have lost anything and everything that I had in my youth.” “That bastard has taken all of that away from me.”

Hey, what’s your game rated?

 

E, that’s what I thought. Watch your fucking language.

“And now I’m here reaping the effects of his plight on this land.” “Maybe every one else is so sure of their own destiny…but sometimes I question my own.”

Oh my god that is the most cliche protagonist bullshit. I literally had to read it in Arin’s Takahiro voice.

“But I closed my eyes Steadied my feet on the ground Raised my head to the sky And though time's rolled by Still feel like a child As I look at the moon Maybe I grew up A little too soon”

“I can clearly see that for now on, my own road will have to form itself on its own for now on.”

Way to say the most useless thing ever in the clunkiest way ever.

“But I have so many questions and no answers, which is not a surprise, as I look around this land that was once under the Tierney of Gannondorf’s control.” “But I still cannot help but feel as if I had been dealt the wrong hand, as if I had been put at a disadvantage.”

Yeah, maybe you were. Fucking deal with it.

“I will admit that if I had the chance to do it all over again…..I would.”

You do! How many times do I have to mention that she could easily do it all over again?

“Even if it meant undoing what was already done, I would do it in benefit for the people of this land.” “I just cannot come to terms with myself to leave the people of Hyrule with a confused and angry queen.”

“Perhaps I’m just setting my own morals and standards too high, maybe I’m so blinded by fates wrong deal in my destiny that I’m really not thinking of others.” “Perhaps that’s what it is, but even if that’s so….. even as I rise my head up skyward I cannot help but feel that it seems the torrential winds have won once again.” “Close my Eyes”

Song?

Well what did ya’ll think?

It was entirely pointless. I mean, her other stories had a reason: why people weren’t with Link. This one was just retelling how the game ended. Entirely pointless.

Did I out do myself again?

Yes. Yes you did Link’s Queen.

Please give me your impute on this story.

We already did. Over, and over, and over…

All reviews are excepted wither they be good or bad please tell me what you thought. Thanx,

Two letters. I can somewhat understand thx, but you only had to type KS. And the N is right next to the K!

-Link’s Queen

—A very disappointed critic

—A happy man, because I am done with this shit