Review #1

My Immortal

Chapters 10-12


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Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off!

A tempting invitation, but I’m finishing this whether I like it or not.

ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

And right now, I’m leaning towards not.

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar.

Sue sign eleven, talent right the fuck out of nowhere.

People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)

No comment, I think we all know why that’s dumb.

and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that)

Au contraire:

  1. “I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears.”
  2. “People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.”
  3. “c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that)”

Hyphenate it all you want, you’re still spelling it.

or a steak)

I get that it’s probably not great for your health to eat a steak for every meal, but does it really warrant a mortal weakness?

and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt.

Considering you seem to be doing this is the presence of your bandmates, I think you were showing off your boobs more without any shirt at all. I also feel like there’s a joke to be made about Simple Plan being written across her ass, but I can’t quite piece it together.

You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

Worst remix ever.

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco.

So did you.

But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)

The canon character, or the character you turned him into? Or more simply put; yes.

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour.

Yeah, because it’s not like there’s anything more important to attend to.

Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

  • Dumbledore
  • Dumbledeor
  • Dumbeldor
  • Dumbeldore

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

Ebony Draco, what an odd name for a new character. Why should we care that he’s about to be brought back to life anyways?

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus!

Viable energy sources for a growing population? The eternal struggle to find the meaning of humankind, as well as the origins of life itself? Coke versus Pepsi?

sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

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“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied!

You just explained that Draco couldn’t be killed by cutting his wrists, and now you’re “horrorfied” by the news that he killed himself by cutting his wrists.

B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Not looking like a perv > Ebony killing herself.

Yeah, that one actually makes sense.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists.

They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume.

Cause and effect is a pretty simple concept, but since Tara/Ebony doesn’t seem to fully grasp it, I’m more than willing to help out. Cutting yourself yields blood, a lot of it. If you’re wearing clothes while performing an action that results in copious amounts of blood, the blood will get on the clothing through shear probability alone.

I grabbed a steak

and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed!

Top hats FTW.

I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings.

Rest in peace pup, you’ve endured enough.

I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!

mas·ti·cate

verb

gerund or present participle: masticating

definition: chew (food).

They were sitting on their broomsticks.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.

Suddenly Vampire ran in.

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.

See, what did I say about guessing the anatomy of these characters?

I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke.

First of all, either that was an incredibly fast gun or this event took a while, nevermind all of the ammunition that it would take. Second, while a gazillion is a nonsense number, it still sounds incredibly specific. Did she deliberately shoot them a gazillion times, or was it a phenomenal coincidence?

Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in.

  • Dumbledore
  • Dumbledeor
  • Dumbeldor
  • Dumbeldore
  • Dumblydore

Dumblydore, one of the few things that makes this enjoyable.

“Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Wait, the gazillion shots being fired wasn’t what got Dumblydore to enter the room in the first place?

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

Okay, let’s try to break this down. Ebony is inside, and just shot Snape and Lupin, or rather Snap and Loopin who, if there is a just and loving Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus, are now lying dead on the ground outside of her window. Then Dumbledore, or Dumblydore, came in to tell Ebony, or Enoby, something that was probably important, apparently completely oblivious to the murders that just took place. Now added into the mix is Hagrid, or Hargrid, who is walking on a broom for no particular reason, and wants everyone to have a talk.

TL;DR: Shit’s fucked.

“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

Wait, is Hargrid an original character, not just a typo for Hagrid? It would explain the sudden change in roll if nothing else.

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

Nevermind, I clearly read way too deeply into that; it’s just plain stupid.

“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him.

When did Dumblydore shoot Snap? And more importantly, how is Snap alive?

“There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

This whole story is mad, I need to take a break.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.

“The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

Alright, I’m back, and I don’t want to know what clook is a typo of.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air.

Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

“Because I LOVE HER!”

Everyone is in love with her, Sue sign… well, I lost count, but I’m sure we were about to run out of numbers anyhow.

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!

Good for you Tara, addressing a barely present problem in American schools by mentioning it in a story that takes place in England.

how du u no snap iant kristian

You did tell us that he is, though to be fair Tara, you haven’t given us a reason to trust you.

plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

Le sigh, let’s just move on.

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him.

Drago?

I thought this was a Harry Potter fanfiction. A horrible, horrible Harry Potter fanfiction.

He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I stopped. “How did u know?”

Know what?

“I saw it!

Saw what?

And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”

Why?

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back.

Preparing to adjust mental settings to better understand this story.

“Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt!

Brilliant!

Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

Genius!

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists.

I love it!

Hey, you okay?

Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too.

Amazing!

Yo, Purple, what’s going on?

They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.

Well of course not!

Oh god, this isn’t My Immortal, is it? Hold on folks, he does this everytime.

Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Hey Red, I need your help!

Is Purple reading My Immor-

Yes, again.

Dammit, I’ll be right over.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

Scalpel.

Scalpel.

“Enoby I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

Forceps.

Forceps.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up preps like you.” I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

Duct tape.

Duct tape.

“No Enoby.” Hargrid says. “Those are not roses.”

Staples.

Staples.

“What, are they goffs too you poser prep?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

Alright, that should do it.

Should we delete this story so he can’t read anymore?

Why bother? He’ll only open it again, he always does.

Yeah, poor fool.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

Purple, you with us?

How the fuck does she ignore auto correct, spell something wrong, and then brag about it?

Yup, he’s back.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.”

Nope, I’ll be taking that!

Dammit.

He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! .

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.

Bitch please, we all know that Billie Joe Armstrong is the wise prophet of rock.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.”

Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!”

Hm, “imo noto okayo,” what could it mean? All I know is it sounds like every Spanish paper I ever wrote.

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air.

Wut

And it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.

That sounds vaguely racist.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”

Wait, I wasn’t paying attention for a while there. Green, does this make sense?

Kind of, he showed up and… never mind, no; it doesn’t. And I’m leaving, this is intolerable.

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

He turn flowers into a floating ball of improbably colored fire, isn’t that enough for you?

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said,

Dumblydore!

watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT)

u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

You know what, fine. Dumblydore does whatever the fuck Dumblydore wants; Dumblydore don’t care, Dumblydore don’t give a shit.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”

  • Dumbledore
  • Dumbledeor
  • Dumbeldor
  • Dumbeldore
  • Dumblydore
  • Dumbledoree

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them.

Red, hold me back.

Why, because she likes Billy Joel?

Red, get the fuck away from me.

I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!)

Bye!

and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

“You look kawai, girl.” B’loody Mary said sadly. “Fangs (geddit)

you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset.

I was sad, but I was still upset.

I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco.

Who cares about Draco? Being in the hair of magical creatures sounds like a fantastic time.

He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

Holy shit, a vampire actually doing vampire things?

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos.

Was he wearing contacts?

Yes, now hand over the hammer.

Hold on, how many of us are in this thing?

We’re following My Immortal logic, the number of people in a scene is as ill defined as what’s happening in it.

I’ll be making the jokes here you son of a bitch.

Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

To be fair, mutual dead ex boyfriend sex is the best kind of sex.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!”

shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

Everyone in the school? The country? The world? Tara’s head?

“Vampire you fucker!”

Literally.

I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!”

It got you half laid once Harry, it’s probably not really worth trying again.

and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

Christmas time already?

“NO!” I ran up closer.

Aww…

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

Shout: 21

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

What fanfiction would be complete without a little bondage?

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

Sweet Jim Caviezel Jesus, Tara understands sarcasm?

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I


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