Review #1

My Immortal

Chapters 37-39


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Chapter 37.

AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11

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DARKO’S PONT OF VIEW LOL

Well at least she told us this time.

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor.

“Oh mi fucking satan!11” Enoby said. She wuz so hot.

Why even change the perspective if everything else is going to be the same?

“Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1”

Pardon me for not being overly familiar with the cannon, but shouldn’t an amnesia potion induce amnesia?

“But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata,” said Vampire. “Why would u need it?”

“To make everyfing go faster lol.” said Enoby.

“But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?” I asked jelosly.

“OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” said Britney, a fucking prep.

I think at this point it’s fair to say that the story just has ADD.

“Shut the fuk up!1” said Willow.

“Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry’s room.”

Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater’s room. But Profesor Sinister wasn’t there. Instead Tom Rid was.

Tom Rid; one of the few characters in this story that I don’t hate, along with Dumblydore, Volxemort, and the tree.

Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez.

Sure, he may give Ebony clothes from time to time, but she’d find them anyways. And let’s be honest, who’s still reading the clothing descriptions at this point? Even I’m just skimming them for the obvious lolz.

I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said ‘666’ on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.

“OMG fangz!” I said hugging him in a gothic way.

I’d hug him too; he replaced Ebony’s elaborate wardrobe with a simple and relatively painless to read about outfit, saving us time and agony.

I took da clothes in da bag.

“OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?” asked Draco.

That does beg the question, just what was Tom doing in Sinister’s room?

Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall.

“Oh my fuking satan!1” I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now.

Being too gothic is a crime, and Sinister is the only one guilty of it. Dafuq?

Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now.

  • Dumbledore
  • Dumbledeor
  • Dumbeldor
  • Dumbeldore
  • Dumblydore
  • Dumbledoree
  • Dumbelldore
  • Dumbledork
  • Dumbledum
  • Dumbldore
  • Dumbledor
  • Dumblydor
  • Dubleodre
  • Dumblydum
  • Dubledork

Nevermind, I’m completely okay with this if it means Dumblydore is teaching the class.

Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.

“OMFG!111” I shoted arngrily. “How could they do that!11”

Suddenly Dumblydore came.

“WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1” he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly’s blak tim machine!111

I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was……………Profesor Slutborn’s efface! I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz……..Profesor Slutgorn!11

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don’t kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.

Lack of punctuation can make this a bit difficult to understand who’s saying what Green said but I guess it’s hard to be bothered by such things at this point.

“Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class.” you said finally hoping he couldn’t c da potion in ur pocket.

Am I a part of Tara’s delusion? Are we all, part of Tara’s delusion?

“Oh ok u can go now.” said Profesor Slutborn.

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes.

Was she wearing anything before that? Because I feel like that should’ve been meantioned among Slutborn’s questions.

Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR.

“Oh hi you guys.” I said seductively. “Wheres Satan?”

“Oh he’s cumming.” said Serious.

Alright Tara, now you’re just trying.

“BTW u can kall me Hades now.” Suddenly Satan came. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.

“Ok I will see you guyz at da concert.” I said and then I went with Satan.

Oh good, more concerts.

Chapter 38.

AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory

and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation?

oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111

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Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco’s car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it.

Oh, I didn’t know Stan was in this.

We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan),

And because you’re unpleasant people.

kuttting, musik and being goffik.

“Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11” Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy)

If Justin isn’t bi, I’ll go ahead and add another point to the list of reasons I don’t like Tara.

“Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena.” I said in a flirty voice.

Damn you Gerard.

“……….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?”

Ending the story, it’s the only way.

“Well………………” he thought. “I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod.”

Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater.

How would one go about doing that suddenly? I would thing driving up to the back of the movie theater, even in a possibly flying car, would take a little while.

Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol. Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we’re sadists.

While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan’s gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it.

So, so many questions. First and foremost, why the fuck does the Nightmare Before Christmas have a line of cigars? Second, how does one go about putting a liquid into a cigar unnoticed? And third, why would Ebony think her ideas are of any merit at this point? I mean really, how’s everything been working out for her lately?

I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag.

She took it from his pocket, and put it back in his bag. Is it a pocket on the bag, or is the bag in his pocket? We may never know, but luckily, we never have to care.

Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.

“OMG!111” Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. “Enoby gess what?”

I new that the amnesia had worked.

“Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work.” He said.

Do I even need to say anything here? Meh, fuck it:

  • Inventing something doesn’t change the physical properties of it; something that works in one time should work in any other time provided the environment doesn’t undergo a drastic change.
  • Surprise surprise, a character named Satan is a dick. He was teasing Ebony by telling her to guess what, and then immediately explained why she’s a moron for assuming logic works in this story. She is, and I’m doing the same thing, but apparently he actually likes her.
  • Ebony just assumed the potion had worked when Satan was excited, even though it might have just been an incredible cigar that emits pentagrams when smoked. Because it is.

“2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u.”

“Kul.” I raised my eye suggestingly.

Amnesia and afrodisiac are two different things, for fucks sake.

And den………. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit. He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched.

“Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111” shooted da lady behind us she was a prep.

And a decent fucking human being.

“Fuk u!11” I said. Suddenly…………………. I attaked her suking all her blood.

Holy Personal Jesus, overreact much bitch?

“Noooooo!11” she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether.

Okay, some of the typos just make this more entertaining.

Satan and I started to walk outside.

“Zomg how did u do that?” Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.

“I’m a vampire.” I said as we went into the car.

“Siriusly?” he gasped.

“Yah siriusly.” I said drinking sum beer.

Sum beer: The sum of bad writing and bad habits.

Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily.

I doubt anything in this scene smells pleasant, so her happiness about it bothers me.

“Itz too bad we didn’t get 2 c da rest of the movie, don’t u fink?”

“Yah.” I said as we kised passively. Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol.

I’ve never been a fan of Marilyn Manson, but I will give him credit for playing a concert at eleven years old.

“Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111” screamed Marlin on da stage. We did the devil fingers. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way.

Everyone is fjuckeng shmexay and everyone looks alike, we get it.

I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.

“I wood like to peasant……………..XBlakXTearX!11” he said.

The eleven year old Marylin Manson just opened for her band, I’m going to let that sink in, because nothing in that statement sounds right.

I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag.

“Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111” I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy.

You don’t have to say it’s a girl version. First of all, that makes no sense, that would make it a different voice. Second, Gerard’s voice isn’t far enough from feminine to be unimaginable; it still sounds masculine, but if mixed with Amy Lee then sure, it’d probably sound like an incredibly talented Mary Sue rather than an incredibly talented Gary Stu. So since Tara’s simile makes no sense, Ebony now sings like Spongebob. And not Sweet Victory Spongebob, Striped Sweater Spongebob.

Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation.

I don’t know what it is about that word for her, but Tara is always so formal about belching.

“I’M NUT OKAY!1” I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak.

“OMFG!1” yielded James. “Wut the fuck?”

“Woops im sory!” said Lucian.

The song was called Wrong by a group called Mistake. I’ve never heard said song, but I think I agree with James being pissed at Lucian for thinking it would be a good song to play. Also, Google has no mention of such a song, so I’m pretty sure Tara made it up in about five seconds.

“You fuking ashhole!1” James shouted angrily.

“U guys are such prepz!11” Snap said. “Cum on it wuz a mistake!1”

“Yah itz not his fault!11” said Serious.

“No he ruined the fucking song!1” yelled Samaro.

“U guys stop!11” I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife.

“OMFG no!11” shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm.

Well that’s a pretty specific goal.

And den……………………………I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11

“No!111” yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak.

Why? Unless that bullet was a delicious piece of meat, more often just called a steak, there’s no reason for her to be dying. I’m not opposed, I’m just sayin’.

Chapter 39. I Am A Trolling Genious, lolz

Holy fucking shit, yes. I’m not touching this chapter, it’s too incredible for me to even attempt to improve. So enjoy, this chapter is almost definitely my favorite.

Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series and I am not the real XXXbloodyrists666XXX.

AN// I am an extremely immature pathetic idiot girl, I know. Out of boredom, I crack this girl's passy for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a troll right now. Meh.

And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. (And take note I haven't even finished reading this fic yet, but instead skip over to skim chapter 38.) Flame, laugh, do whatever you want "preps."

I, the American retail wearing british vampire Sue, coughed up blood.

Satan kneeled down beside me.

"Noooooooooooooooo! Don't die!"

I gave him a rueful smile. "I'm sorry. It's something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the noble gothic Mary Sue."

Satan sobbed. "I love you Ebony."

"I love you two. I'll...I'll see you in hell." I mumbled, already finding my surroundings fading to black.

B'loody Mary Smith suddenly popped into the room for no apparent reason. She frowned when she realized the room was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Ebony's lifeless body, she screamed. Her face became pale with horror. She screamed for the healers, Dumbledore, Mcgoogle, and every single gothic person she could think of.

Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Ebony. Everyone stared in shock. Her body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone's shock, it started to incinerate.

When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Sue became nothing more then a pile of ashes.

A loud resounding of everyone bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!!" filled the room.

A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed.

All the silly goth clothes dropped from everyone's bodies (AN//I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened.) and, in their place, clothes the characters would normally wear in canon appeared on their bodies.

When everyone got over the shock of becoming free of the gofick power, everybody cheered. Everyone started singing 'Ding dong the sue is dead...' Well, that is, until all the HP characters realized the true implications of becoming more canon like again.

All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless. Harry and Voldemort started dueling. On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax.

And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Draco and Hermione fled the scene and got married.

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Meanwhile...

Down in hell, Ebony shed a single tear because of her current situation. A situation that would live on for all eternity. Or at least until the end of fanfiction time.

She lost it all, but she knew she had to remain strong. Nothing would ever break her down.

She looked down over her pale body, and frowned. 'Where are my emo clothes?' She asked herself in confusion.

And then it occured to her...

For her shirt, she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the (right or left? I can't remember) side. Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the "destroyed" look on it. Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom. And then Ebony realized, on her shoulder, she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag.

Ebony supressed the urge to scream. Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, AND Hollister.

Panicked, Ebony hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. Ebony frowned, and looked under her shirt. All she saw was a bra underneath (dare I point out it's from the Aerie line available at American Eagle?). Ebony tried to remove the shirt again. But to her frustration, there was yet again another polo to replace it.

"THIS IS UNLOGICAL AND DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!!" Ebony bellowed out to the air. She failed to see the irony in her statement, how hypocrytical her words were, seeing as she was practically calling the kettle black here.

Ebony slit her writs and mumbled to herself, "Omigod."

/End Crap Fic.

And now, the dilemma. I could follow the HellfireComms approach and bail out here, because this is definitely as good as it gets, or I could push on and do the last five chapters.

Fuck it, I’ve come this far. But I can assure you, I won’t be giving nearly as many fucks from here on out.

AN// Oh yeah, if you wanna see the original content this chick had planned for this chapter, I accessed it through the document manager thingy, which I copied and pasted, so you can read it here:

While I appreciate your addition to the story Troll, I’m telling you that nobody cares about what Tara had planned, because it’s essentially another chapter. It might be shorter, but I doubt there would be much proofreading going on had it been released when intended.

AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111

You know, I would believe that the troll wrote this author’s note. I mean, it’s pretty much a parody of itself.

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I woke up in da Norse’s offace on a special gothik coffin.

Kind of weird that the nurse’s office has a coffin, but hey, maybe somebody brought it in for her. Which brings up an odd point; is the coffin mandatory for vampires, or is it just a preference?

Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up.

Now if you’ll recall, Hagrid was a student in the “present,” which I quote because present is relative. But the point is, apparently in Tara’s world he’s been a student for a couple of decades now. Or then. Or in the future. Whatever, this time travel malarkey is nonsense anyways.

Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.

“Oh mi satan wut happened!” I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual.

“Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11” I yielded.

“Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11” he said arngrily.

Oh, this again. Okay, so it looks like we’re back to the original “present” time frame, why not? And I apologize for what I said about Hagrid, even though I’m not ruling it out just yet.

Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective.

“Volxemort? OMFG what’s wrong!111” I asked.

Sudenly………. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B’lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.

“OMFG Enoby ur alive!111” Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B’lody Mary.

“What the fuk happened?” I asked dem.

A great question inspector Way, I was just thinking that.

“Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?” I gosped.

Vampires aren’t my thing (And considering Harry Potter isn’t either, that could admittedly explain some of my misgivings towards this story), but aren’t they already dead?

“Enoby u were almost shot!11” said Serious. “But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time.”

Maybe if I gave a fuck, I’d question that. But I don’t. And I’m not.

“But fangz anyway!1” said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!

Martin, who you’ll get to know later, tells me that in the cannon Lucian always has both arms. And since the wiki doesn’t bring it up, I’ll assume he’s right. I don’t have anything to say about it, just thought it was worth mentioning.

“OMG I cant beleve Vampirz’ dad shot u!1” I gasped.

“Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den.” said James.

“Yah he wuz a spy.” Serious said sadly. “He wuz really a Death Dealer.”

“And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11” said Lucian.

Ah, gotta love these priorities. “He was possessed, meh, he was a spy, sure, he was a villain, who gives a shit? Oh, he was a poser? Hold the fuck up, that’s just wrong!”

“He didn’t even realy no hu GC were until I told him.” Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents.

For getting shot? Come on, you people are just encouraging her to go out and do it again.

I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it)

Well, don’t keep us in suspense or anything.

on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz.

“Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?” I asked gothikally.

So something occurred to me after reading this for nearly forty chapters; wouldn’t speaking gothically mean speaking in old english? The gothic era was in the twelfth century, so perhaps some of these ludicrous sayings are simply turns of phrase lost to the ages.

“No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax.” said Profesor Trevolry.

Nevermind, just… nevermind.

“He duzzn’t know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up.

The Norse commands you to rise!

Cum on!1”

On what?

I got up suicidally.

And then fell back down again because I stood up suicidally.

Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun.

Fascinating.

Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don’t get da idea massage me ill tell u).

That sounds fantastic, I could go for a massage.

I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes.

Sure, I hear congress shoes are all the rage these days.

I left the hospital’s wings wif B’lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.

If it weren’t surrounded by garbage on all sides, I’d have that last line pegged as poetic rather than accidental.

“OMFG letz celebrate!11” gasped Willow.

“We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1” giggled Vampire.

“Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11” said Hermoine.

Actually saying, “six hundred and sixty six,” out loud, how interesting.

We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den………..I gasped………hellip;……………………………… Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111

Hey Ebony, if you’re still looking for Draco, I found him.

He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.

“U fucking prep!11” we all yielded angrily.

“Yah u betrayed us!111” shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.

Oh Justin, what did you do to piss Tara off this time?

“No u don’t understand!1” screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake’s.

“No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111” said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out.

Sexy indeed.

“Enoby no!11111” screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again.

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Sincerely,

An-Anon-Author-Who-Will-Silently-Not-Reveal-Her-Identity-Because-She's-A-Coward :P

A.K.A. Just a troll with rocks for brains.

You may have rocks for brains, but your rock brains rock.


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