Review #1

My Immortal

Chapters 1-3

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The grey text is Tara’s and I’m purple, so without further ado, this is My Immortal: Retribution.

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Had enough yet? I know I have.


Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way

But most people just call me Mary Sue.

and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name)

She was named after her hair. That she was evidently born with enough of to make it worthy of her identity. Go on.

with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).

I wish, but unfortunately I do know of her, so it looks like I’m trapped for the moment.

I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.

I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.

Say what you want, but so far her dental hygiene is her best quality.

I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell)

and I wear mostly black.

But where do you buy the black clothes?

I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.

Okay, but what are you wearing today?

For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.

Sure, but do you have any makeup on?

I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.


I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun,

which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me.

Sue sign number one was the overly exotic name. Sue sign number two; despite the atmospheric phenomenon taking place, people are much more focused on her.

I put up my middle finger at them.

And I bite my thumb at you.

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

Then why the fucking fuck did you call her?

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

Friends? What fr… oh, right, Mary Sue.


AN: IS it good?


PLZ tell me fangz!

Yes, I’ll be sure to mention anything that might cross my mind in the coming chapters.

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

And so it continues.


The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.

Of course it was, why wouldn’t it be?

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

Fun fact; if you play an audio recording of that last scene backwards, it’s still completely fucking stupid. But at least backwards you can try to pretend it has a meaning.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.


Just sayin’.

She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

Sue sign number three, excessive focus on fashion and appearance.

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

Alright, I’m starting a counter, it’ll make more sense as the story progresses. Well, maybe story and progress aren’t the right words, but whatever.

Shout: 2

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

Flirting with the person you said you didn’t like in front of the person you said it to within seconds of saying it? Brilliant Tara, just brilliant.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

If somebody told me, “Guess what” and it wasn’t a question, I’d be asking the same thing.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

Chapter 3.


Nothing about this is okay.

odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN!

Was that German? Because it looked like German.

oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.


On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels.

Underneath them were ripped red fishnets.

Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front.

I put on matching fishnet on my arms.

I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.

Those pictures had nothing to do with the story, I just felt that nobody should have to read that paragraph without something to distract them from the pain.

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

Sue sign four, actions have no consequences. Whether it’s giving people the finger or cutting yourself, odds are that nothing too serious will come of it.

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.

While the story seems too perfectly convoluted to be a troll, I’ll make an exception for this sentence, which I think is meant to mock the readers. We’re reading a depressing story that sucks out our faith in humanity like a Suey gothic vampire, waiting for our eyes to stop bleeding as a defense mechanism to stop them from sending this madness to our brains, and we are desperately searching for anything more profound than this, even a punk pop band would do.

I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner.

That’s probably an exaggeration, but who knows? Maybe at least four thousand pounds of eyeliner is the perfect look for when it’s raining and snowing.

Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway.

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.

The first time I read this, I had completely forgotten it was a Harry Potter fanfiction by this point, and didn’t understand why there would be a flying car. Which brings me to my next counter.

Reasons this didn’t have to be fanfiction: 1

Just have a world of magic, it doesn’t have to be someone else’s.

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

So if you haven’t noticed, the characters don’t even remotely resemble the canon.

Reasons this didn’t have to be fanfiction: 2

“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.

+150 internets to the first person who can exclaim a greeting in a depressed way.

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.

The place with the concert. Since Tara clearly doesn’t give a fuck, I’m picturing the concert taking place in the midst of an all out battle between an army of clowns and an army of unicorns in space, I’d encourage you to do likewise.

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

Lipitor? Amoxicillin? Cyanide?

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage

Which was filled with people who had big red noses and horses that had long silver horns, all floating around in zero gravity.

and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

That too.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

Join the club.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

Sue sign five, the author’s idea of the perfect guy immediately falls for her.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The views expressed by the characters are not necessarily those of the writer who created them. At least not in good stories. Here, I have a sneaking suspicion as to how Tara feels about Hilary fucking Duff.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer

Which had no effect on Ebony because she’s a vampire.

and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts,

Well after being in the midst of a war in space, who can blame him?

instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!

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